Welcome to the Invisible Man, and I must warn you also, brace yourselves. This blog has themes of an upsetting nature, and potential triggers relating to child abuse, sexual abuse and self-harm.
Let's start with what this blog is about. It's been a difficult decision to make to start talking about it, but I think that the time has come to do so.
I am a male abuse survivor.
That fact isn't the fault of my parents or my family, or even most of my teachers, but the fault of my abuser, who committed her assaults on me - like most abusers I think - out of sight and out of mind.
When I began in secondary school, I encountered a school bully, who was somewhat more than a bully, but would actively try and corner me in empty rooms, and force us to kiss.
And to make things a bit more complicated, this bully was a female.
I'd been taught in no uncertain terms that hitting girls was absolutely unacceptable, even in self-defence. In addition, I'd frequently seen clips on TV of female characters slapping, punching, or groin-striking male characters when displeased with them, so I assumed that this was how real life worked. Of course, my tormentor used and she seemed to spent every day emotionally abusing me to the point of tears, threatening me, groping me, and trying to forcibly "seduce" me. Being a hormonal teenager, I thought that her arousing me was normal, and even thought that I wanted it, and pursued her sexual mistreatment of me, having been "groomed" by her for about four years.
This left me a fear and unease around women, the assumption that females were considered to be always right even if committing outright abuse, and therefore if targeted again by a female I was on my own.
When I was 25, I accidentally let slip about what'd happened to me, in jest. A friend of mine reacted in shock, and the realisation of what this girl had done to me set in gradually. I ended up having a colossal meltdown to the extent that I couldn't stop crying. Eventually after speaking to my family, I consulted my doctor, who put me onto a mental health nurse. She then sent me onto my therapist, with whom I had several weekly sessions, an hour at a time, to help discuss, and understand what happened to me. I've faced various ups and downs since, but thankfully I've stopped blaming myself.
That's my story.
The reason that this blog is called "Invisible Men" is because that's what male survivors, by and large are. We are invisible, and forgotten by the societies we live in, to the extent that to the eyes and ears of most, we don't exist. There are numerous reasons for this, and I will go into what they are, and offer some solutions.
The main reason for this blog though, is to offer a voice to male survivors, who have none. For many years I've seen the dismissal, hostility, and callousness aimed at male survivors, sometimes even by progressives and anti-rape activists. Now after the 2008 crisis, we are in a time of change and political flux. With events like Brexit, politicians like Trump and Corbyn, movements like #metoo and the Yellow Vest protests, people of all stripes are looking for change. There are some courageous people out there looking to change the world for the better, and in my own little way, so am I, however I can.
I welcome any comments, whether critical or agreeable, and I welcome any male survivor who wishes to share his story. While this is primarily a blog for male survivors, any female survivors are very welcome to read what is being said or even offer their response. As fellow survivors, you'll be able to understand better than most, so female survivors, please don't feel like you're being left out. However, I will not tolerate:
- Slander
- Libel
- Ad-hominem attacks
- Trolling
- Mocking
- Abuse apologism
- Emotional abuse
- Minimising
- Marginalisation
- Cyber-bullying
I would also urge you to follow these rules yourselves. I would also urge you to spread the word, and help inform others on the realities, truths and misconceptions.
I'm going to post these once every month, to give my two cents on the difficulties faced by male survivors, to give any men or boys treated the way I was, a voice. I will be commenting on attitudes faced towards male survivors, problematic and toxic attitudes, help and advice for male survivors as best I can. Some of these posts will be reflective, some will be angry, some will be positive, but I intend them all to be as honest and open as I can. I apologise in advance for any mistakes I make along the way, which are bound to happen at some point, and I will rectify any that are made.
All opinions are my own, and don't have any affiliation with any political or religious group. Truth be told, we live in a world that doesn't really know what to do with male abuse survivors, and so even those who should know better often treat us inappropriately (and in a way that they wouldn't dream of treating female survivors). Most of this is probably down to ignorance, though for a few individuals this can unfortunately be chalked up to malicious intentions. Either way, the impact they can have on survivors is devastating.
As far as I'm concerned, anyone, and I do mean anyone, who makes the lives of male survivors more difficult, is fair game, and I will be criticising them, no exceptions. I expect to have all sorts of slings and arrows coming my way, being a male survivor and sticking your head above the parapet (especially if you disclose that your abuser was female) generally means inviting all sorts of insufferable and ignorant morons ready to bully, dismiss, slander, sneer at, and patronise you.
Whether it means being called a 'beta male' from the right, or 'MRA misogynist' from the left, by the usual screeching quarter-wits found in both sides, I know that this is going to be difficult, but male survivors have a voice. It deserves to be heard on its own terms, according to how we see fit and what's best for us, rather than what other people can make use of and squeeze out of us. Female survivors have done a fine job sticking up for themselves in the long run, we should too.
If I can help just one non-survivor of any stripe understand, or improve the life of just one of my fellow male survivors, I will consider the blog a success. If a wider impact can be made, more's the better. (For further resources for male survivors, see at the end of this post.)
For the sake of my mental well-being, I'm initially not posting any more frequently than once every month. This will also give me time to carefully think about what I'm writing as well.
I hope you enjoy the journey, and we'll see where it takes us.
And remember, the journey of 1000 miles began with a single step.
Yours,
The Invisible Man.
RESOURCES FOR MALE SURVIVORS
MEN RECOVERING FROM MILITARY SEXUAL TRAUMA: http://www.mrmst.org/
MALE SURVIVOR: http://www.malesurvivor.org/
1IN6: https://1in6.org/
SURVIVORS MANCHESTER: http://www.survivorsmanchester.org.uk/
MANKIND INITIATIVE: http://www.mankind.org.uk/
MANKINDUK: https://www.mkcharity.org/
MATRIXMEN: https://matrixmensa.blogspot.com/
SAMOSA (SOUTH AFRICA): http://www.samsosa.org/wp/
AFTER SILENCE: http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php
PANDORA'S AQUARIUM: https://pandys.org/forums/index.php?
RAINN: https://rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys
