ON SEX

*Trigger warning for those still finding descriptions of sex traumatic*

Dear Readers,


I'm going to talk about sexual encounters now (yes, you can all stop giggling).

A lot has been written about sex, and getting it right in the bedroom. Obviously for survivors of abuse, this can be a difficult subject. Personally, I ended up desperately wanting relations with women, but unable to do so just out of pure fear and alarm bells ringing in the back of my head. Is she going to slap me if I get it wrong? Is she going to start insulting me and get everyone else to laugh? (All related to my abusive experiences.) This has resulted in more missed opportunities than I care to think of.

However, my dry spell soon came to an unexpected end.

Just after I'd started my recovery after going through therapy, I was in the pub one night, sinking a pint and thinking that I'd go home, have something to eat and go to bed, call it a night.

As I was drinking with my friends, one of their friends came over to me, a tall and pretty blonde woman with blue eyes. She started lifting up the back of her top and asking if we could see the bruise she'd recently got on her lower back during an accident at work. In response, I couldn't resist peering at it and saying "I dunno, let me have a closer look!", she giggled and called me a "perv", claiming that she was a lesbian. Of course, the night went on and I didn't give it any further thought, as we were saying goodnight, deciding that I wanted to go home, have dinner and get some rest.

This girl seemed to have other ideas.

As soon as everyone else had gone and I was about to slouch off home, she stops me and invites me out for another drink and to "go back to your place". Surprised, I agreed, and we went over to another pub, where she lied past the bouncer to get us in. As we were getting drinks, I told her I was too nervous to lie to bouncers in case I got found out, to which she strokes my face and says "you're cute!" before proceeding to thrash me at pool. After we're done, we nip over to her place, start kissing, then head over to my house. Sneaking upstairs into my room, we started kissing, and she stripped off her top, and I removed her bra, jeans and knickers.

We get down to business, and I'm trying everything I can think of. However, being slightly drunk I had a bit of trouble and found myself performing only half as good as I knew I could be. Nevertheless, I made it about trying to get her off sexually, rather than about getting me off sexually, because I assumed that I would, and I did pretty much anything I could think of with her. The result?

She came five times that night, and I know that it was genuine because she was bucking her hips when she did, and her face became a bit flushed.

We had a shower together then did it some more before I walked her home, insisting that I do so since it was dark and rainy outside.

The most embarrassing thing was when I woke up the next morning. My mom comes into my room and asks "Awwww, you didn't have a good night's sleep? You look so tired!" Then she looks at my brother, who's trying not to laugh and says "You look shagged out!" I nearly died of embarrassment.

I have a few words of advice for survivors, and this applies to all survivors, so I hope this helps.

If you want to make your partner truly satisfied, just go for it. Throw yourself into cunnilingus or using your fingers, tongue, lips on any areas or erogenous zones that you can find. Don't be shy or hold back, but remember that while some people take to sex naturally, others find it tends to take a bit more practice. If you find you're no good at it, don't feel ashamed. Just follow your instinct, and ask your partner what they feel like. Communication is important.

As a survivor, you might feel anxious or triggered, so remember that you don't have to continue if you're feeling really distressed or upset. (My own one night wonder surprised me by telling me that she could tell that people had been "mean" to me, I had no idea how.) Only go with someone you feel safe and comfortable with, and always use protection to avoid diseases or unwanted pregnancies.

As always, consent is key, and if your partner tells you to stop, then stop. That's pretty obvious of course and you probably know that anyway, but I feel that in case someone is reading this who doesn't, then it needs to be said. This applies to both men AND women (etc). However, understand that you also have the right to say no, to tell them that you don't want to.

Sex is supposed to be fun, enjoyable, pleasurable, it shouldn't be a chore. If you want to stop, tell your partner you want to stop, and then give yourself a few minutes and continue when you feel ready to do so.
If you don't want to continue, you should tell your partner categorically that you want to stop, and to spare any pain or confusion, be honest with them and with yourself as to why you can't carry on. Don't tell them you're an abuse survivor if you don't feel comfortable with doing so. If you feel uncomfortable with telling them, tell them that you're having a tough night or suffering some distractions in your life and you might like to try again at a later time of your choosing when you're ready. (If you do decide to tell them then kudos to your bravery.)

If - worst case scenario - you go full nuclear with the disclosure and they respond unsympathetically, don't blame yourself. It's their problem if they have no empathy, not yours, and you need a different partner.

Having said all of this, if you really do want to enjoy a regular or some form of sex life but find it confusing, talk to a therapist about it. Go over your concerns about intimacy with a trained professional, and there are loads of different people to go to. If you really need to, consult your doctor, especially if you're suffering from depression or anxiety (both of which I've had before so don't let it eat away at you).

And because it was just sex, and we both knew that, we'd run into one another a few times after. The first time she said; 'You were an animal. Best sex I ever had, and I'm a fucking lesbian!' Not bad, considering that I was slightly pissed and out of practice! However, I don't expect to be like that every time, and neither should you.

Why don't we find it awkward? Because we knew it was just sex, we enjoyed it, and we'd probably be happy to do it again, there's an honesty and a desire to do it that isn't there if you're doing it to just fill a gap, or cope with loneliness. If casual sex isn't for you, don't feel like you're obliged. You'd probably be better and much happier, in this case, finding the right person for you.

Sex is easy. Just relax, stay calm, and remember, you just try to get the other person off, and they'll try and do the same for you.

Works for me!


Sincerely,

The Invisible Man