Dear Readers,
I came across an article this morning highlighting the signs of an abusive relationship, and why a relationship doesn't need physical violence to be abusive. This was written by a woman called Eden Strong at psychcentral.com, who seems to refer to her own abusive experiences. It does an excellent job at highlighting something that many fail to realize.
Abuse doesn't have to be violent or deadly to be abuse.The white feminist types, of course, will howl that male victims aren't "afraid" or "killed at the same rate as women", and yet their stupidity is highlighted very succinctly. The reason? Because as this article shows, there's more to abuse than being maimed or murdered.
The article refers to male abusers and female victims, and sometimes this is frustrating. Of course, this time I just cannot be bothered exhausting myself pointing out exactly WHY erasing male abuse victims and pretending we don't exist/pretending that female abusers don't exist or are harmless is damaging (or indeed why it's unjust to castigate male advocates for butting in on female exclusive abuse discussions while butting in on male exclusive abuse discussions to go "women have it worse" every time).
This article refers to the abuser as "he/him" so I'm just going to change it to "they/them" and victims as "people" rather than just "women" as per the original article, in order to make it more inclusive for both male and female abuse victims.
That being said, I'm not going to say that Ms Strong IS erasing male victims, rather that she's referring to her own experiences and coming from the point of view of a female abuse survivor, so no doubt those are her reference points. It's rather like how I mostly refer from my experiences as a male survivor of a female abuser, so I won't suddenly judge in bad faith as that would be unfair and hypocritical.
It's still a good enough article that I would like to use it in a more general way to highlight the issues of abuse and how we fail as a society to realise truly how it works.
Would you even know if you were being abused?
that little voice in the back of your head that whispers "this isn't right," and the feelings that tug at your heart, begging your brain to listen to that voice. It's all those things that you shove down because you are so unsure of yourself, unsure of them.
You wonder: Is this abuse?
Abuse creeps over you slowly, silently, in such a sneaky way that many people are completely unaware of its presence until they are completely engulfed by it. And once you're trapped, it's hard to get out. Not impossible, but hard. So listen to that voice and watch for the signs, before it's too late.
1. Their reaction to a situation is more terrifying than the situation itself.
I once came back to my car in a parking lot only to find that someone had obviously backed into the bumper. The car was only a month old, there was a big dent, the paint was scuffed and flaking - yet I could not have cared less about the car. I was absolutely terrified to tell my husband.
I drove home white-knuckled and shaking, knowing he would be angry and that this would somehow end up being my fault. I knew he was going to explode in anger, and I was scared to death to go home. When you start to fear your partner's reaction more than you fear the situation itself, there's a good chance you're being abused.
2. He has full control of your finances.
Financial abuse is a real thing. It’s the way many abusers keep their victims trapped. Without access to money, escape becomes almost impossible unless you have a great support system who can help you remove yourself from the toxic situation. (I did not.) I would have left my husband years earlier if I had access to our finances but because he controlled all of our earnings, I had no way out — and worse, he knew that.
3. He isolates you from your friends and family.
Most abusers won’t readily admit that they’re abusing you, even though, deep down, they know that what they’re doing wouldn’t be looked upon kindly by people who care about you. They're deeply fearful that someone rational will “enlighten” you to the abuse that is taking place and thus, tries to remove your friends and family from your life. By doing that, they're effectively cutting off your escape route and removing your safety net.
Even if they haven’t physically abused you at this point, the control that they have over your life should be seen as a huge warning of things to come.
4. They make you sexually uncomfortable.
Sexual abuse is not just something that happens with strangers at drunken parties. Most sexual assaults are committed by someone you know and relationship rape is a very real thing. If you feel pressured and coerced into sexual acts that you’re not comfortable with or you feel forced to partake in activities you didn’t consent to, you’re being abused. Guilt, pressure, and force are not foreplay.
5. They make you feel like you can’t do better.
Abusers most often exert their power not by physical force, but by controlling the way we think. If they can get you to think exactly the way they want you to, well, half of their job is done. If they can make you believe that you’re worthless and that nobody good would ever want you, there’s less of chance you’ll ever leave them. You’ll start to “appreciate” that they put up with you, day in and day out, because you’re so awful.
When you’re broken to the point where you feel so worthless that you’re just happy to be allowed to keep living, it’s hard to realize that the problem isn’t you. If the person who supposedly “loves” you the most thinks nothing of you, the problem is not you, it’s them. No one stays in a relationship with someone they think has no value; they stay for the control and power they reap from tearing you down.
6. They makes you fear leaving them.
If you fear leaving them out of fear they will harm you, your partner is an abuser. And if you fear leaving them because you feel you could literally not live without them (and not just because you love them and would miss them), you might be being abused. Abusers take who we are and suck out everything we need to live. They make us shells of the people we once were, leaving only the parts of us that serve the purposes they need.
If you feel like you’re so lost that you can no longer lead your own life, it’s time to get help. I don’t say that harshly; I just mean you are worth more. You deserve to be more than what someone else simply allows you to be. You deserve to not be abused.
In the below link are some further resources. It shows that if you ARE being treated like this, you don't have to be, you shouldn't be, and this can happen to ANYONE. Men or women (or other), and this can be done by any partner, male or female etc. It also is worth bearing in mind to look out for the signs from a friend or family member. If you have a friend or family member being treated like this, look out for the signs, it could save someone's life.
And if you're a male survivor of a female abuser, then don't listen to the liars, fools and spin doctors who tell you that it doesn't count because you're not maimed or killed, because as the above article shows, it does.
Believe me, it does.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
ORIGINAL ARTICLE:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/beyond-the-physical-6-signs-of-silently-abusive-relationships/
RESOURCE LINK IN ARTICLE:
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-877-799-7233 or visit them on the web at www.thehotline.org.
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