WHY THE "INVISIBLE MAN"?

Dear Readers, 

 Fellow survivor Ian Mcnicholl urged me to post under a name, and this has stuck with me. I've thought a long time about giving an adequate response, so Ian, if you're reading this, I hope that this offers a full explanation to my position, but I will be giving a name at the end of this article as you urged me to. Of course, I should probably spare people from referring to me as just "Invisible". 

Also, the name at the end of the article is in fact a family name, so while it's not my full name, it has some relevance. First however, I want to explain why I chose 'The Invisible Man' as a name and blog title to post under. 

The first reason that I chose 'The Invisible Man' is actually because I felt that a symbol might resonate more. Male abuse victims are "Invisible Men" by nature, and there is a fervent denial from much of society, the media, idealogues, who see the existence of male abuse victims and our dignity as a threat. 

I also felt that like with how #metoo started under Tarana Burke, it would serve as a form of an umbrella at some point, because it's not about me. It's about every other person with a story like my own, and spreading the message that yes, we do exist, yes we do suffer, and yes we do deserve help and protection, and no we do not deserve ridicule and suffering. Admittedly I do talk about my own experiences, but the intention is to provide an insight since I haven't had the experience of other men, so while I can form a voice, I can't tell their story directly for them. Even if I could, it'd be unfair to do so. 

The second reason is because of a somewhat more selfish motivation. You readers may have a lower opinion of me because of this, but I feel I need to be honest. Fear. When I began therapy for sexual assault back in 2014, I got a job with a hospital kitchen. It wasn't much, but it was something. On my first day, I had a later appointment with my therapist, and it was too late to reschedule. I told my new employers, and they told me to stay in the kitchen since the ward was full of vulnerable people. I found this mildly insulting but I continued and worked as hard as I could. 

Later on, when I finished my shift, I asked them if they'd see me tomorrow and they said "we'll have to see". Shortly after, I received a phone call for them to tell me I was fired. The excuse came that they had to rewash some of the pots, but deep down I knew that was an excuse. If they fired me for going through therapy alone, how would they have responded if they knew that it was for recovery from sexual abuse? 

At the moment, my job is a youth worker, which involves interacting with children. This is a difficult job too, and involves a lot of engagement with children, young people, and their parents as well. If it became known that I was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I worry that people would react negatively, and think that (being a man), I would develop into a sexual predator myself - the poisonous myth of vampire syndrome. While I doubt that my boss would be anything other than understanding, the thought lingers in my head that he could be pressured by concerned parents to the extent that I would lose my job. 

 Furthermore, I've seen some of the insults that advocates have suffered. Usually these seem to come in the form of "MRA misogynist incel crybabyman" or accusations of "you don't care about men you just hate women". Cancel culture has made it easier for these attackers to do so and has only recently been challenged. Furthermore, I've seen the pressure that such mobs put on people they're displeased with, as far as doxxing.

A third reason is because I worry about the effect of my story getting out on my friends and family. I don't want them to find out or trouble them about what I've suffered. I don't want extra attention for them or for myself, and I don't know whether people I knew from my abuse experiences would try and respond to my experience in a way to try and discredit me. Call me cowardly of course, but that's how it is. 

The final reason is actually a personal reason. I may have hinted at it on my twitter feed, but the truth is, I'm actually bisexual (sort of, though admittedly I lean more towards the straight edge of the wedge, making it even more bewildering and frustrating). 

 Personally, I don't want feel ready to open up about that to my friends and family, partly because I don't want to be judged or stereotyped (most of the LGBT culture isn't really my cup of tea - nothing against it, just that I don't find that it suits me and I'd rather be my own person), and partly because really it isn't anybody else's business. I don't feel that if my real name is attached to this acknowledgement, then it might start further complications for me. 

Call me cowardly if you like, but I'd rather not have to announce this to the entire world with my name on it. It's my personal life, and I'd like to keep it that way. However, if anyone does want to address me by name, you may call me 'John'. 

 And Ian, all I can say is that you're a far braver man than me. 

Sincerely, 

 The Invisible Man