Dear Readers,
I've just got back from being on holiday yesterday, and I gotta say how much I enjoyed myself. I didn't want to travel abroad with everything having been so precarious during COVID. However, since my M.A has rather taken the wind out of my sails, and other job stresses getting in the way (summer is my busiest time), I felt like I really needed a city break.
Since I was away in another city, I decided to just relax and enjoy myself, have a wander around and despite some of the stifling heat giving me a colossal headache on my first day, everything else was great. One particular experience I decided to try was approaching women in the local bars.
Thing is, I recently came out of a relationship that fell apart due to COVID separation (she lived in another country) and usually my handful of relationships have been because either I was lucky enough that one time in that the girl has approached me (something of a rarity in general for blokes), or it was someone I'd known for years and we started feeling physically attracted to one another and decided to capitalise on it.
As far as I know, approach anxiety is a problem for most men, fear of having your ego shot down in flames is not a pleasant thing to risk, and fear of being misunderstood in the post-#MeToo environment, this feels even more precarious. However, as a male survivor of a female abuser, this fear is tripled, then tripled again. What's usually held me back wasn't so much the fear of my ego being damaged (other than perhaps the girl saying something genuinely unpleasant) but the fear of being unsafe. Will she slap me? Knee me in the crotch? Throw a drink in my face? Will the entire bar start laughing at me as some creep or loser? Will some jealous and protective boyfriend I don't know about threaten me?
Then there were other questions. 'Some of these women are stunning, they wouldn't even want to give me the time of day.' This one evening, I'd actually managed to overcome most of my nerves by telling myself that I was excited, not nervous (and by having a beer with my pizza), and dressing fairly smart and stylish. When I got to the bar with my friend, I completely lost my nerve and started to freeze up. I started feeling genuinely scared of approaching a girl at the bar, in case something terrible happened. My friend noticed that I was completely frozen up and tried to reassure me, even though I was a gibbering wreck, and he just stepped back and let me to it.
Then I leaned against the bar and gently introduced myself - breaking the ice by asking the nearest girl if she had room to be served at the bar, or if the bar staff had noticed her yet. I wasn't so much trying to actually "score" so to speak, but rather get over that initial barrier that to approach an attractive woman was wrong or dangerous or both. I ended up speaking to about five of them, and you know what I discovered?
Everything was fine. They were just friendly and open to being talked to. If you think about it, it makes sense because women who seem hard to approach are probably not going to be approached at all by guys. Even if they're not into guys (lesbian/other LGBT etc), then
Obviously as a male survivor, if your abuser was female, this may be difficult to overcome, and believe me, I found it incredibly tough. However, I would like to reassure you guys that there's nothing to be afraid of. I once did the same thing when I was on holiday in Sweden, approach a girl and talk to her at a bar, and while I was too awkward to successfully maintain a conversation, let alone attract the girl I spoke to, nothing terrible happened. She didn't set the bouncers on me or anything, but just made her excuses and left, which was kind of a relief.
This being the case, I'd like to offer a few pro-tips to guys who are recovering from abuse and want to learn to start interacting with women again.
1) Make sure you're looking after yourself. Wash and shower regularly, and make sure that you have a decent change of fresh clothes.
2) The past is not where you're going. Most women you approach in a bar are unlikely to be aggressive or hostile.
3) Make sure that you also look after yourself mentally. If you find that you're at risk of giving yourself a panic attack by trying this out then you're probably not ready to approach women yet.
What I started doing when I was on holiday was when I was in the bar, I made it my mission to approach at least one woman (in the end I spoke to five of them) and open up an interaction. That was it. I didn't feel ready to try and take it any further, and if you want to start trying the same exercise, here are my suggestions.
1) Remember, being out of your comfort zone is where you grow as a person. It may feel scary, but you'll feel dead brilliant afterwards.
2) If you want to talk to a woman, try and approach one who seems to be pretty sober, drunk girls are the ones more likely to act inappropriately, and make you feel uncomfortable.
3) Start off by something simple to break the ice. This could be introducing yourself, or asking if they have room at the bar to be served, something chivalrous is a great start.
4) Don't start by immediately launching into chat up lines as to why she needs to follow you home (women don't feel comfortable with this going 0 to 60).
5) Choose your time and place wisely. A bar or a club is a pretty obvious place, but this could be anywhere. However, there are some places that women will feel less comfortable with being approached, or they may just not be in the mood (say, if their heads are buried in a book). Also, some cultures may be more reserved than others so consider that depending on where you - and she - comes from. 'Read the room' and assess for yourself
6) Practice by just opening up conversations if you don't feel comfortable with escalating to something more intimate - these have to feel natural, such as asking someone for directions or if they know of a good restaurant to eat in. These can be in a queue in a shop or at the post office, and try opening these discussions with people in general, not just attractive women.
7) Usually if you get rejected, a woman will just probably say something like 'thanks but no thanks' and excuse herself. Obviously don't go chasing after her if you get rejected, or be rude or overly invasive, or try and touch her in a way that she feels uncomfortable with. If she says 'no' or 'no thanks' then leave it at that. Be respectful. Always treat others the way you want to be treated yourself. (I don't doubt that you would follow this golden rule, but I feel I have to put this just in case there's someone reading who didn't get the memo.)
8) Likewise, do not let her treat you badly either. If she behaves in a way that you feel uncomfortable with, whether she's being rude or too hands-y for your liking, then tell her 'no' and make it crystal clear that she's in no doubt, and end the interaction. You don't have to put up with being treated badly.
9) Have fun and relax! If you make mistakes, that's OK. None of the terrible things you suspect will happen are actually that likely at all. Hostility and aggression usually comes between drunk friends.
Obviously I'm saying this based on my own experience, but at the same time I'd like to pass on whatever information that might be helpful. As time goes on, I'll probably discover more and if anything can help you guys out, I'll let you know right away.
In the meantime, I hope that this helps!
Sincerely
The Invisible Man
No comments:
Post a Comment