TOBLERONE AND LUCKY B*****D SYNDROME

Dear Readers,

Switzerland is one of the most unique countries in the world, and has given us a lot. It's given us fondue, cuckoo clocks, some excellent skiing slopes, a Freddie Mercury statue on the shores of Lake Geneva (seen it myself, it's spectacular), the bizarre Vatican Swiss guards, a populace that can fight war with the best of them but never needs to, and a wide range of cheeses. It's also the inventor of milk chocolate (for which I and most people - probably - are eternally grateful). One of the most famous of these is 'Toblerone', the famous nougat chocolate, which comes in a very long...bar I suppose is the best way to describe it, with each segment in triangular shapes.

If you're wondering why I'm bringing the subject of Swiss chocolate up when talking about sexual abuse, I'm going onto the subject of why male survivors - unlike female survivors - are told that we should've wanted it, or that an erection means 'not rape'. This is something that a friend of mine once said to me - I immediately clocked it up to ignorance on his part, rather than a wilful insult.

As for my experience, after consistent and persistent treatment by my abuser, I was enticed by my abuser into a 'physical' response, the sort that's common in most boys hitting puberty. She started telling me that I 'enjoyed' it, and I believed her. I even sought out her abusive and grabbing ways because I thought that I wanted it, I'd been groomed into thinking that I wanted to be groped and grabbed, assuming that this was what women did normally. Hell, I was pretty lonely and isolated by now, easy target for bullying, constantly in trouble with teachers for not doing my work so it seemed, I felt that nothing else was open to me.

Of course, she was strictly off-limits in regards to touching, so it was to be me who she continuously manhandled across the crotch, day in day out, a one way street, nothing mutual about it. This was a big reason why I blamed myself, having heard the derogatory phrase that 'men think with their dicks', for a long time I thought that I was 'thinking with my dick' and that I would never 'make the same mistake again'.

Now back to the Toblerone. Most of you readers have probably enjoyed a Toblerone at some stage in your lives.

How did it feel? Smooth? Rich? Tasty?

If someone gives you a bit of Toblerone, unless you don't like chocolate or have some form of allergy, it's probably a pleasant experience. You break off a triangle, you nibble it, let it melt in your mouth, or if you're like me you scoff it right down, however you like.

Now what if that someone instead takes the whole thing and tries to shove it straight in your mouth? How might that feel? Painful. Stressful? Frightening?

When I was going through therapy for sexual abuse at the age of 25, I talked about how I thought I'd wanted it because I'd been aroused. In response, I and she both assumed that this meant that I 'liked' it. To which my therapist made the above analogy.

There is an attitude that all males are sex-mad fools and that such ape-like fools should be grateful for any sexual advances bestowed upon them by pure women. I once read a male commentator claim that 'a man would have sex with a hole in a tree if he could get away with it' and while I assume that was tongue in cheek, it does reveal a lot about how we as society view male sexuality. As unrelenting, vicious, animalistic, anything will do, no-holes barred.

So what effect does it have on male survivors?

In 2014, according to the American psychological association 43% of boys in the United States between the ages of 14 and 20 had been forced, coerced or manipulated into having sex with women they didn't want to. This is not a tiny minority of numbers recorded, it's over 2/5ths of boys and young men of 2014 were being forced to have sex with someone they didn't want to. What might the response have been?

If you're set off or upset by mocking of abuse victims I'd suggest not watching the following video, because it's stomach-churning. We see a clip from 2014 of Bill Maher openly mocking male sexual assault survivors in the cases in which a female has been the aggressor.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=52&v=EA-Kyo1UU6w

I am aware that Bill Maher has a bit of a track record, but this is the worst he's ever done.

We can easily see why the video has such a high dislike bar on it. Sadly whenever I've seen people who laughably call themselves "progressive" joke about how 'Oh white men who're raped have it soooo bad NOT!' it seems to bear a funny symmetry to this vile little clip, also demonstrating how the rain of arrows seems to come down in male survivors from both sides.

For those so-called "macho" types who like to foolishly claim, 'Oh, you got lucky.' or 'Boo hoo grow a pair' I see you. You are part of the problem. You're at the same level of those horrible creatures who tell women 'I wouldn't even rape you, you're so unattractive.'
How would you feel if someone shoved a whole Toblerone in your mouth? Like you were having a scaffolding pole rammed down your throat. How would you feel if you were being tied up and forcibly mounted by someone who you found physically repulsive?

And what's more, because there is no backlash, Maher and those like him get away with it! All with the line that 'men can't stop wanting sex/need an erection so they can't be raped by women.'

Some women orgasm in the middle of rape. Does that mean that they enjoyed it?

Does a 'nymphomaniac' woman want to be raped?

I don't think so. So why do we treat male survivors as if this is so for them? Because we think that any man would stick his member in anything he wanted if he could?

Enough is enough, so #spreadtheword.


Sincerely,

The Invisible Man.

A FRESH START

Dear Readers,


Today is my 30th Birthday.

Fortunately, being of Scandinavian descent on my mother's side, my looks have survived this far intact, and if I can be bothered to have a shave, apparently some people still mistake me for 18.Of course, not everybody is as lucky as that. A lot of this comes from healthy eating and regular exercise as well as mental self-care.

To address current events occurring in my country, well, while not wishing to take sides in the constant battling between 'Leave' and 'Remain' for all that time, it is a bit of a pain. A lot of issues have been left by the wayside during this debate, "negotiations" and infighting, and personally, having someone very special to me living in Berlin, it's a bit more of a concern regarding travel arrangements.

But it's not the end of the world.

In fact, if one were to look at the situation in a positive light, even in a worst case scenario, one might be able to see it as a chance to make some real changes, turn over a new leaf and make a fresh start. (For example, a friend of mine living in China tells me that the Chinese are really excited about it, more English people working for them, Europe's loss is their gain she says.)

Even if there are side effects, it's not like they're going to last forever. I understand why people are concerned of course, I share much of those myself. I just think that it could be, and has been worse, and worst case scenario, one must remember the phrase that makes sad men glad and glad men sad.

'This too shall pass.'

This all brings me to the topic I wish to cover today. While I'm celebrating my 30th Birthday today, I'm going to be looking forward. I have every intention on setting myself up financially to enjoy life to the fullest. I'm more confident than I was ten years ago, I'm more experienced, more knowledgeable, I have plans to travel. To enjoy new experiences. To visit new places and new people. To have more fun with women that I missed out on in my 20s (this can mean a relationship or just having some casual fun, depending on what's best for you).

When recovering from sexual abuse, this is probably one of the hardest things you're ever going to have to do.

What you have to remember when you're turning over a new leaf for yourself is that you're doing it for you. You have to commit to doing things differently, and this takes a little mental strength because it's very easy to lapse back into your old ways, such as thinking negatively. You have to think positively, and tell yourself that this time, things will change for you. The past may seem like a compelling reason for nothing to improve, but never forget that your past doesn't equal your future.

Sometimes it won't be easy to maintain this new positive state of mind, but as long as you stick with it, keep correcting yourself whenever you lapse back into your previous mindset. This will inevitably happen from time to time, it's rather like riding a bicycle without the support wheels when you're a kid. It feels odd and strange, but as you practice you get gradually more used to it.

Sexual abuse ruins often one's confidence, but if this is you, don't forget. If there's something Don't surround yourself with negative voices, or if you're stuck with such voices, seek out the positive. Remind yourself that what happened to you was not your fault. It doesn't make you a bad person or a potential abuser yourself. Also compile a list of the things that you're good at, that make you positive or feel good about yourself. Positive attributes to yourself, no matter how small, and remind yourself of these every day. This won't get instant results, but it will make a huge difference in the long run if you keep reminding yourself.

You have to remember that it doesn't matter what other people think. Take advice if you want, seek help if you feel you need it, but don't let any disapproval of the new you stop you. The opinions of others will kill you, so you don't have to take them as seriously as you might think. Taking other people's advice is still important, but don't kid yourself into thinking that everybody knows better than you, as I once did. Trust your instincts and your gut.

Try out new things, things that you've always wanted to do, but felt too afraid to do so (as long as it doesn't involve self-harm, heavy drinking, drugs, or excessively dangerous or illegal activities). If you've always wanted to visit a new country somewhere around the world, try it out. Someone you always wanted to ask out or talk to, give it a go. Mountain biking? Wine tasting? Even socialising and making new friends? It doesn't matter. To go where you want to and be who you want to, you're going to have to exit your comfort zone now and again. It rarely goes wrong in my experience, and even if it does, it's almost never as bad as you imagine it will be. If you want to do it, do it.

And finally, it doesn't matter what you've been through. (Bear with me.) Remember, when you're really at rock bottom, this is as far down as you are going to go, and the only way is up.

It's never too late to become the person you could've been.


Sincerely,

The Invisible Man

ON SELF CARE

Dear Readers,


Survivors of abuse are often riddled with mental health issues. I'm not saying that every single abuse survivor suffers this way, but it's unfortunately all too common, and male survivors are no exception.

From what we know, male survivors often suffer from issues such as:


1: 76% of suicides in England and Wales in 2016 were committed by men according to ONS

2: Survivor males are much more likely to suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression.

3: Only 36% of referrals to psychological therapy are made for male patients.

4. Male survivors are more likely to participate in alcohol and drug abuse than non-survivor males.

5. Male survivors are more likely to suffer relationship problems (something I've struggled with).

6. Male survivors also suffer more problems in school with underachievement as a result of their abuse.


I'm going to make it clear, I'm not in any way, a mental health expert. However, I have had experience of depression, social anxiety, mental issues. I'm going to cover these as best I can with the knowledge and experience I have. If you're a male survivor reading this, then I suggest that you take a look at the advice I have, since I've learned this from personal experience. Feel free to discard anything that doesn't work for you.

Sometimes you might find something that sets you off or builds a great deal of fear. Sometimes it's a noise, a smell, a sound, something that someone says. I've been there myself, and sometimes it's taken hours, or even days to subside.
If you're having a panic attack related to your abuse, breathe slowly. Get yourself somewhere comfortable and try to stay calm. It will ride itself out, and after a short space of time you'll be back to normal again. If this is a persistent problem I suggest consulting your doctor.

Depression is a very serious problem. In the past it was derided as only suffered by people who were rich and pampered, while busy working people don't have time for it. This is rubbish. The truth is, depression is a mental health issue. I once woke up in university suffering from depression, and I had a practical exam that day. I succeeded it, but I felt like garbage afterwards, and really thought that I'd failed badly. It was a horrible feeling and it was with me from the moment I woke up.

For male survivors I have a few suggestions to use to help keep up a decent level of mental health, and though these will probably sound obvious and you may have heard them before, I suggest that you pay attention to them because the ways we nurture our physical health also make a difference to our mental health.

Exercise is very important to our physical health in staving off obesity, heart disease and cancer, but also our mental well-being. Sometimes I've found that being depressed, or even if you're stressed, or just bored or frustrated, can be remedied by going for an hour exercise. This could involve going to the gym if you join one, going for a run or a power walk, or using a treadmill or exercise machine in your house.
Do it every day for an hour if possible, and while obviously it'll improve your looks and physical health, more importantly it'll also make a difference to your mental well being. Once you finish or get home, have a shower as soon as possible, it'll make you feel great. Don't strain yourself though, and try and avoid it if you're suffering from a cold or a cough or something debilitating that could get yourself hurt (or even spread germs to others, say, in the gym).

Healthy eating also makes a huge difference to your life. Try and avoid large quantities of trans fats and sugars. A little bit of sugar, fat and salt is good for you, as long as you don't overdo it, and oily fish such as salmon or mackerel are excellent for omega 3. Fresh vegetables and fruits are essential, but don't overdo it on carbs such as potatoes and pasta, and drink plenty of water. Personally, being British (or just English) I prefer a nice soothing cup of tea most of the time, but don't overdo it on coffee if that's what you prefer, it can make you hyper anxious and nervous.

During down time, try and avoid looking at glowing screens such as TV screens, laptops, phones and so on for extended periods of time. Spend some time reading and listening to music, because research has proven on numerous occasions that reading stimulates the brain. (See 7) Also, make sure that you get plenty of sleep, and avoid late night sessions of work or activity as much as possible.

As men, we often thrive on busying ourselves to something useful. I've done white collar jobs in comfortable offices in which I've been utterly miserable. On the other hand I've done shifts in workshops for 12 hours at a time and I've barely been happier. Give me a rusty piece of metal, an angle grinder and a cushion to kneel on, and I'm happy for the afternoon. If you find the same amount of joy in these activities, then I suggest find somewhere you can join in on these activities. Finding a hobby can be a very enjoyable, but often you need to keep it up, and whether it's dancing or restoring old rusted pieces of scrap metal to their former glory, you really have to find what works best for you.

Sometimes even the simple cure of sunlight on the back of the eyes or the skin, especially the chest and back can be very beneficial, so if you're lucky enough to see plenty of sunshine, get outside or even to a window, and soak up some rays. My dad gets seasonal affective disorder sometimes, and so do I, so as soon as the sun emerges from the depths of winter, I'm out there getting some sunlight on the eyes and skin. Don't stare directly into the sun though, you risk doing untold damage to your eyes! And don't spend too long outside, since too much sunlight can cause skin ailments and skin cancer.

Finally, I suggest that if you can, try and meet up with friends as much as possible. Research has shown that in the individualistic society we live in, unfortunately even in a big city one can be very lonely, and being isolated from other people can have a very negative effect on the mind.

In fact, new research has shown that loneliniess can have a worse effect on one's health than obesity (See 8).

A lot of this advice you might've already heard before, but ultimately it makes a difference to your mental health and well being. Give it a go for a period of time and you'll more than likely see the difference.

All in all, look after yourself. You've only got one body, and one mind, it's yours to take care of!


Sincerely

The Invisible Man


SOURCES:

1: https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/suicidesintheunitedkingdom/2016registration

2: Dube, S.R., Anda, R.F., Whitfield, C.L., et al. (2005). Long-term consequences of childhood sexual abuse by gender of victim. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 28, 430-438

3: https://www.safeline.org.uk/mens-mental-health-a-silent-crisis/

4: Felitti, V.J., Anda, R.F., Nordenberg, D., Williamso, D.F., Spitz, A.M., et al. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14, 245-258.

5 & 6. Lisak, D. & Luster, L. (1994). Educational, occupational and relationship histories of men who were sexually and/or physically abused as children. Journal of Traumatic Stress. 7, 507-523.

7: https://www.care2.com/greenliving/4-cognitive-and-mental-health-benefits-of-reading.html

8: (Holt-Lunstad, 2010)


RESOURCES FOR MALE SURVIVORS


MEN RECOVERING FROM MILITARY SEXUAL TRAUMA: http://www.mrmst.org/

MALE SURVIVOR: http://www.malesurvivor.org/

1IN6: https://1in6.org/

SURVIVORS MANCHESTER: http://www.survivorsmanchester.org.uk/

MANKIND INITIATIVE: http://www.mankind.org.uk/

MANKINDUK: https://www.mkcharity.org/

MATRIXMEN: https://matrixmensa.blogspot.com/

SAMOSA (SOUTH AFRICA): http://www.samsosa.org/wp/

AFTER SILENCE: http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php

PANDORA'S AQUARIUM: https://pandys.org/forums/index.php?

RAINN: https://rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys

THE JOURNEY OF 1000 MILES

Dear Readers,


Welcome to the Invisible Man, and I must warn you also, brace yourselves. This blog has themes of an upsetting nature, and potential triggers relating to child abuse, sexual abuse and self-harm.

Let's start with what this blog is about. It's been a difficult decision to make to start talking about it, but I think that the time has come to do so.

I am a male abuse survivor.

That fact isn't the fault of my parents or my family, or even most of my teachers, but the fault of my abuser, who committed her assaults on me - like most abusers I think -  out of sight and out of mind.

When I began in secondary school, I encountered a school bully, who was somewhat more than a bully, but would actively try and corner me in empty rooms, and force us to kiss.

And to make things a bit more complicated, this bully was a female.

I'd been taught in no uncertain terms that hitting girls was absolutely unacceptable, even in self-defence. In addition, I'd frequently seen clips on TV of female characters slapping, punching, or groin-striking male characters when displeased with them, so I assumed that this was how real life worked. Of course, my tormentor used and she seemed to spent every day emotionally abusing me to the point of tears, threatening me, groping me, and trying to forcibly "seduce" me. Being a hormonal teenager, I thought that her arousing me was normal, and even thought that I wanted it, and pursued her sexual mistreatment of me, having been "groomed" by her for about four years.

This left me a fear and unease around women, the assumption that females were considered to be always right even if committing outright abuse, and therefore if targeted again by a female I was on my own.

School finished. However, I still suffered from difficulty with women, unease and fear. My mental health was always very poor, with a fear of trying to be exactly the right sort of person in order to be loved by women, and respected by all. Several times I fantasised about someone shooting me in the head, blaming myself for my life - in my eyes - having been screwed up. I suffered from depression to the extent that at the age of 21 I was on antidepressants, and on a couple of occasions, I ended up slashing my own hand, once with a pair of scissors and a second time with a razor.

When I was 25, I accidentally let slip about what'd happened to me, in jest. A friend of mine reacted in shock, and the realisation of what this girl had done to me set in gradually. I ended up having a colossal meltdown to the extent that I couldn't stop crying. Eventually after speaking to my family, I consulted my doctor, who put me onto a mental health nurse. She then sent me onto my therapist, with whom I had several weekly sessions, an hour at a time, to help discuss, and understand what happened to me. I've faced various ups and downs since, but thankfully I've stopped blaming myself.

That's my story.

The reason that this blog is called "Invisible Men" is because that's what male survivors, by and large are. We are invisible, and forgotten by the societies we live in, to the extent that to the eyes and ears of most, we don't exist. There are numerous reasons for this, and I will go into what they are, and offer some solutions.

The main reason for this blog though, is to offer a voice to male survivors, who have none. For many years I've seen the dismissal, hostility, and callousness aimed at male survivors, sometimes even by progressives and anti-rape activists. Now after the 2008 crisis, we are in a time of change and political flux. With events like Brexit, politicians like Trump and Corbyn, movements like #metoo and the Yellow Vest protests, people of all stripes are looking for change. There are some courageous people out there looking to change the world for the better, and in my own little way, so am I, however I can.

I welcome any comments, whether critical or agreeable, and I welcome any male survivor who wishes to share his story. While this is primarily a blog for male survivors, any female survivors are very welcome to read what is being said or even offer their response. As fellow survivors, you'll be able to understand better than most, so female survivors, please don't feel like you're being left out. However, I will not tolerate:

• Slander 
• Libel 
• Ad-hominem attacks 
• Trolling 
• Mocking 
• Abuse apologism 
• Emotional abuse 
• Minimising 
• Marginalisation 
• Cyber-bullying

I would also urge you to follow these rules yourselves. I would also urge you to spread the word, and help inform others on the realities, truths and misconceptions.

I'm going to post these once every month, to give my two cents on the difficulties faced by male survivors, to give any men or boys treated the way I was, a voice. I will be commenting on attitudes faced towards male survivors, problematic and toxic attitudes, help and advice for male survivors as best I can. Some of these posts will be reflective, some will be angry, some will be positive, but I intend them all to be as honest and open as I can. I apologise in advance for any mistakes I make along the way, which are bound to happen at some point, and I will rectify any that are made.

All opinions are my own, and don't have any affiliation with any political or religious group. Truth be told, we live in a world that doesn't really know what to do with male abuse survivors, and so even those who should know better often treat us inappropriately (and in a way that they wouldn't dream of treating female survivors). Most of this is probably down to ignorance, though for a few individuals this can unfortunately be chalked up to malicious intentions. Either way, the impact they can have on survivors is devastating.

As far as I'm concerned, anyone, and I do mean anyone, who makes the lives of male survivors more difficult, is fair game, and I will be criticising them, no exceptions. I expect to have all sorts of slings and arrows coming my way, being a male survivor and sticking your head above the parapet (especially if you disclose that your abuser was female) generally means inviting all sorts of insufferable and ignorant morons ready to bully, dismiss, slander, sneer at, and patronise you.

Whether it means being called a 'beta male' from the right, or 'MRA misogynist' from the left, by the usual screeching quarter-wits found in both sides, I know that this is going to be difficult, but male survivors have a voice. It deserves to be heard on its own terms, according to how we see fit and what's best for us, rather than what other people can make use of and squeeze out of us. Female survivors have done a fine job sticking up for themselves in the long run, we should too.

If I can help just one non-survivor of any stripe understand, or improve the life of just one of my fellow male survivors, I will consider the blog a success. If a wider impact can be made, more's the better. (For further resources for male survivors, see at the end of this post.)

For the sake of my mental well-being, I'm initially not posting any more frequently than once every month. This will also give me time to carefully think about what I'm writing as well.

I hope you enjoy the journey, and we'll see where it takes us.

And remember, the journey of 1000 miles began with a single step.


Yours,

The Invisible Man.



RESOURCES FOR MALE SURVIVORS


MEN RECOVERING FROM MILITARY SEXUAL TRAUMA: http://www.mrmst.org/

MALE SURVIVOR: http://www.malesurvivor.org/

1IN6: https://1in6.org/

SURVIVORS MANCHESTER: http://www.survivorsmanchester.org.uk/

MANKIND INITIATIVE: http://www.mankind.org.uk/

MANKINDUK: https://www.mkcharity.org/

MATRIXMEN: https://matrixmensa.blogspot.com/

SAMOSA (SOUTH AFRICA): http://www.samsosa.org/wp/

AFTER SILENCE: http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php

PANDORA'S AQUARIUM: https://pandys.org/forums/index.php?

RAINN: https://rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys