Dear Readers,
Please forgive my continued absence during this difficult time. I have been mostly present on twitter, but having had to deal with two bereavements in the family within two months, and a short illness and making arrangements for my Master's course, I've been slightly hamstrung for being able to commit to this blog. Please bear with me, look after yourselves, and stay safe.
It was recently brought to my attention
There are some good things in this guide. For instance, I'm absolutely delighted to see them consulting with the courageous Alex Skeel, who disclosed the horrifying abuse from his girlfriend. I'm also glad to see them pointing out on page 21 the details on how victims and perpetrators can be confused with one another. This is true with both male and female survivors.
"Sometimes, if the victim has used violence in resistance, selfdefence, retaliation or to defend children or others they may be
wrongly identified – or wrongly present – as a perpetrator. This
mis-identification can be further exacerbated if the person
concerned does not want to identify themselves as a victim."
I'm also glad to see LGBT couples and the issue of homophobia brought up in regards to domestic abuse, since this is something that doesn't always fit into the mould of what we imagine domestic violence, and I applaud 'Respect' for that. They've also gone out of their way to represent controlling behaviour in relationships, and demonstration that not all domestic abuse exclusively involves gratuitous violence to the point of lethality.
Of course, I'm not here to blow smoke up 'Respect's' backside, I'm here to criticise them for getting some details wrong in the typical way
Already we're seeing problems as early as page six:
"Men will experience many forms of abuse that women experiencing domestic abuse will also report, however this chapter looks to explore the additional experiences male victims have, a lot of which are underpinned by the understanding of harmful expressions of masculinities."
Then on page seven we get to this:
"Using masculinity • Forcing him into specific responsibilities and activities based on strict traditional gender roles without any negotiation and threatening consequences if he doesn’t comply"
Every time I read this, it comes across as manipulative, whether it is intended or not. Certainly, the message of "don't hit girls even in self defence" reinforced by female face-slapping on TV and film, seems to embed this message in wider society, that domestic violence is OK when a woman does it. Usually this comes with claims such as "he did something to deserve it" or "it's payback for patriarchy" or "it's not like when women are murdered by abusive boyfriends/husbands". Note the latter point, usually justified with "men are stronger than women", a trope which is so casually discarded as soon as it comes to something in favour of women being as capable as men. This is goalpost-shifting, so don't fall for it.
"Telling him that the abuse didn’t happen or wasn’t that bad • Ignoring his injuries or emotional/mental distress • Telling him he was responsible for the abuse, that he deserved or caused it"
These last points are very interesting, and we're going to get onto them later, you'll see why.
"Harmful expressions of masculinities"
Already I've been smelling a rat as soon as we see the victim's own masculinity being blamed for their abuse, but let's crack on.
"Respect acknowledges that a gendered analysis of abuse does not exclude men, but rather recognises that women and girls are disproportionately affected by these particular forms of violence because of their gender."
How in the world is it appropriate to do this? I'm serious, every single time I see male abuse victims, whether of sexual abuse or domestic abuse brought up, it always goes back to the "but most abuse is man against woman" rhetoric. Why do they do this? I suspect they think that it avoids "taking urgent attention away from women and girls" but that makes absolutely no sense when the subject matter is devoted to male abuse victims in the first place. We see some folks complaining that female abuse victims are being "interrupted by men derailing conversations" by bringing up female on male abuse. By their own yardstick, to derail discussion about male abuse victims for female abuse victims is completely unjustifiable, no matter what special pleading one can come up with.
"It also recognises the damaging effects that traditional gender roles have on men and boys, that the expectations on how they should behave encourage dangerous behaviours and shames men and boys into hiding their emotions."
Perhaps you should complain to those who peddle their pathetic "male tears" mugs and shirts.
Perhaps you should stop the idiots condemning men over "man-flu" (the crime of being ill, beggars belief),
Perhaps you should stop the same idiots telling male abuse victims in particular to shut up ("women have it worse STFU).
And yet the same people have the nerve to have the dog call the cat hairy-arsed. Maybe if you start turning against this sort of damaging behavior from the same people who accuse "traditional gender roles" of being the problem, only to turn around on male issues and mock those very issues, you might have a bit more integrity.
Of course, it goes on:
"These behaviours and expectations are often referred to as “toxic masculinity”. This is not to say that being a man or masculine is bad, or that liking traditionally masculine things like sports, cars, the opposite sex, etc. is bad or shameful."
If that were the case, we wouldn't call it "masculinity" by not-so-subtly implying that abusive conduct is SOLELY a male thing (which it isn't).
"It also does not mean that women cannot act violently or abusively,"
Except when it does, or is blatantly used to protect female abusers, of course. (EXAMPLE)
"...more that their behaviour is not supported by a culture that encourages them to be so."
Except for, you know, here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3PgH86OyEM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyJXAallsyY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlFAd4YdQks
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEZH6YSQvwA
And then we have the cases in which male domestic violence victims accused of being the real abusers. Remember those "interesting points" that I brought up? Well, here they are:
https://www.abc.net.au/triplej/programs/hack/challenging-the-mra-claim-of-a-domestic-violence-conspiracy/8632190
"The one in three figure doesn't account for this important distinction. It can't tell the difference between a woman's random slap and a man regularly beating his partner over several months."
I just need to veer off here for a moment to highlight the nauseating and blatant denial of a form of assault and telling us "it doesn't count it was only a slap" which is just what an abuser WOULD say.
For men experiencing violence from a female partner, it's primarily self defensive or it's expressive in terms of a push or a slap," Dr Salter said.
Victim blaming 101. If you're a male whose female partner assaults you, then you deserve it, that's what is being said.
In 2015, the NSW coroner reviewed all intimate partner homicides over the last decade and found no incidents where a woman killed a man because she was a domestic violence offender.
They can't have looked very far or hard, Mankind Initiative is picking them up all of the time.
When women did kill their male partner, or ex-partner, it was defensive - he had a history of perpetrating violence against her.
https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/news/scottish-news/4043300/conner-cowper-jolene-doherty-murder-holytown-lanarkshire-jail/
https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/jealous-mum-who-terrorised-boyfriend-18381917?utm_source=twitter.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=sharebar
Dr Salter said police and health services reports showed that when a woman was violent against their partner, she was typically either defending herself or the kids.
There are forms of violence that, simply put, women don't do to men in relationships" he said.
This is a blatant, and frankly pathetic, attempt at minimising the suffering of male abuse victims and strawmanning advocates as "MRA misogynists", and it's perpetrated by NOMAS (more like NOBRAIN) below:
So for 'Respect' to claim that there's "not supported by a culture that encourages them to be so" is pretty blind at best. (I've been accused of being a conspiracy theorist by stupid people for bringing this up, there's no conspiracy, because it's out in the open, it's more of an agenda to protect a comfortable way of thinking.)
"The term ‘toxic masculinity’ is interpreted by many as an accusation that all men behave in abusive and aggressive way. The term ‘toxic masculinity’ is interpreted by many as an accusation that all men behave in abusive and aggressive way.
Because it is. And it helps protect female abusers from justice in a culture that thinks they don't exist.
To avoid being misunderstood and to make clear that there are many expressions of masculinities, rather than a single and uniform expression, we prefer to use the term ‘harmful masculinities’ or ‘harmful expressions of masculinities’ in this context. "
The reason is that for something such as abuse to be "toxic masculinity" is a blatant denial, by its own nature, of female abusers, by claiming that abuse is inherent to masculinity. For that to be the case, female abusers would be nonexistent, but some of us don't have the luxury of pretending that female abusers don't exist, so the term "toxic masculinity" is spitting in our very faces, denying our experiences, siding with the abusers and accusing us of being liars. It may not be the intention of 'Respect' and others who say things like this, but the outcome is there all the same.
These expressions of masculinities often adhere to the typical gendered expectations that men are aggressive, violent, unemotional and dominate their relationships with women and children.
Now this is dealing in stereotypes of men, but in this case, it does so in a way to suggest that these stereotypes are true. This is lazy, un-nuanced, and completely lacking in subtlety.
It identifies “feminine” traits such as compassion, empathy and the ability to express your emotions as weakness. A man or boy displaying these traits may be laughed at or encouraged to suppress their emotions, which may lead to higher rates of violence, risk-taking behaviour and suicide.
Perhaps then you should discourage people from slapping down concerns about these emotions.
Men and boys are often led to believe that being depressed, feeling emotional pain, being bullied, feeling suicidal, experiencing eating disorders, being abused are “feminine” issues and that “real men” do not have them.
Being bullied as a feminine thing? First I've heard about it.
Also, it's not exactly as if the fake progressives are above making this claim themselves by silencing issues about men and boys facing them. Take this response to Hope Solo, a woman accused of violently assaulting her sister and her nephew:
https://slate.com/human-interest/2014/09/hope-solo-domestic-violence-it-is-very-very-stupid-to-compare-the-soccer-player-to-ray-rice.html
Or this revolting clanger by hack journalist Yasmin Alibhai-Brown in response to Lib Dem MP Layla Moran assaulting her then boyfriend over, of all things, a row about a computer cable:
https://inews.co.uk/opinion/comment/layla-moran-lib-dems-domestic-violence-273416
This can leave men suppressing their pain, lacking the ability and security to talk about their emotions,
Why on earth would we do this when we get wokesters screaming us down that our abusive experiences don't count? When we get told "women have it worse STFU". How is this concern when it boils down to "if men cried like women they wouldn't all rape, kill and abuse"?
and to lash out in what they perceive “acceptable” masculine ways, such as substance abuse and violence.
So of course we get to the bog-standard point that we've seen time, after time, after time, the statement or implied suggestion that "if men cried like women they wouldn't abuse women and children". This is a jaw-dropping failure on part of 'Respect' and all other individuals and organisations as to what motivates an abuser.
For instance, the biggest common denominator in acts of terrorism and mass killings is that almost all of the perpetrators are men.
Moving to terrorism and mass murder and moving into the "males = bad" way of thinking, and applying gender stereotypes as true for men only, is not relevant to dealing with male victims of abuse. It's derailing, it's incompetent, and there is no justification for putting this passage in whatsoever.
Women suffer mental illness at roughly the same rate as men, but almost none commit large-scale violence.
What was it you guys said about gender stereotypes again? Time and time again when we come across female abusers, we get nauseating platitudes about how it's less common or not as serious because of a lower body count, in a word, moving the goalposts. I'd actually point out that advocates for male abuse victims have been working for years to deal with the negative myths. The truth is actually that female violence is much more subtle, and less accepted as a reality by society.
https://time.com/2921491/hope-solo-women-violence/
Similarly, the levels of suicide for men are much greater than for women, because of social pressure on men not to seek help to deal with their emotional problems.
Has it not occurred to you guys that some of the rhetoric that says that attempts to deal with male abuse victims adequately is "taking resources and attention away from women" is a part of the problem?
The weaponisation of masculinity and the impact on abuse The weaponisation of masculinity is the culture that shames men for emotional displays or displaying any form of feminised “weakness” and sets the stage for men to act violently towards others.
Again, the people who make these platitudes are part of the problem, with their confident declarations of "women have it worse STFU".
Whenever I read rhetoric like this, I don't get the impression that it's to help male abuse survivors. It comes across as something to try and treat us like animals who will harm women and children. That's the only reason male abuse victims are given attention in the mainstream, because the thinking is "if they don't cry like women, they'll abuse women", and when it comes to actually caring about male abuse survivors, the same people seem to be awkwardly silent almost every single time.
Helping male survivors is only useful to these rhetorical types if it's about helping female survivors, and while the latter point is a noble cause, to achieve that end at our expense is unacceptable.
It's possible that perhaps I'm being unfair on "Respect" and these unfortunate implications are unintentional. Indeed, they should be praised for the successes included in their toolkit that I highlighted earlier on. Perhaps the truth is that they are no exception to societal discomfort on accepting the existence of female on male abuse. However, if that's so, then that's no excuse. The aforementioned implications are there, whether intended or not.
Time to do something about that.
Time for 'Respect' to do better.
Time for male survivors of abuse to be treated with the "Respect" that we deserve.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man.
Monday, June 15, 2020
Friday, March 20, 2020
HIATUS PART 2 - COVID-19
Dear Readers,
As you're already painfully aware, the news is jam packed with stuff about COVID-19, the devastating disease that spread from China to the rest of the world. This is beyond anything I've seen before, and it's not even my first Pandemic (which was Swine Flu in 2009-2010).
Being in the UK, I personally suspect that we'll see the peak of it by either May or June and the decline will last into sometime next year, but of course, that's just my opinion. I may well be wrong, and it may go on for even longer, but it's impossible to tell at this point. Sadly I don't have a crystal ball, nor does anyone else.
We're not even the worst hit at the moment - that being Italy, which is suffering terribly, and we're barely a month into this. I've been worried sick that my job has been on the line, but my boss is seeking funding from the government - including the generous offer from Rishi Sunak - and has very kindly offered me a regular income while we're stuck (since my work is practical outdoors work).
Of course, at the same time, all of our plans have been buggered up. I had a few travel plans but those are now up in smoke, as is the case for everyone, and my parents are quite old, so I'm going to be helping them as best I can. Unfortunately, it meant that my ideas to take my message beyond my blog this year are going to be postponed, but #SpreadTheWord as best you can when appropriate in these times (hard to know A.T.M).
As a result, I'm going to post things on social media, but the blog is going to be on hiatus for now, just until things settle down.
All I can say to you folks is stay safe, wash your hands regularly (my mum drilled that latter message into me as a kid, and it's stuck - makes it very hard to catch disease), self-isolate if you show symptoms
In the meantime, do what you can to help, especially the elderly who are at most risk, or people who are short of food. While I can, I'm still walking my neighbour's dog, but how long that'll be possible is hard to tell. Buy groceries for people too old or sick to do so. Call up elderly people who may already be very isolated and lonely. If you're from an at-risk group, please stay safe, stay indoors for now.
And remember, it won't go on forever. Whether by summer or next year, this nightmare will eventually be over.
This too shall pass.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
https://acl.gov/COVID-19
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/covid-19-guidance-on-social-distancing-and-for-vulnerable-people/guidance-on-social-distancing-for-everyone-in-the-uk-and-protecting-older-people-and-vulnerable-adults
https://www.health.gov.au/news/health-alerts/novel-coronavirus-2019-ncov-health-alert
As you're already painfully aware, the news is jam packed with stuff about COVID-19, the devastating disease that spread from China to the rest of the world. This is beyond anything I've seen before, and it's not even my first Pandemic (which was Swine Flu in 2009-2010).
Being in the UK, I personally suspect that we'll see the peak of it by either May or June and the decline will last into sometime next year, but of course, that's just my opinion. I may well be wrong, and it may go on for even longer, but it's impossible to tell at this point. Sadly I don't have a crystal ball, nor does anyone else.
We're not even the worst hit at the moment - that being Italy, which is suffering terribly, and we're barely a month into this. I've been worried sick that my job has been on the line, but my boss is seeking funding from the government - including the generous offer from Rishi Sunak - and has very kindly offered me a regular income while we're stuck (since my work is practical outdoors work).
Of course, at the same time, all of our plans have been buggered up. I had a few travel plans but those are now up in smoke, as is the case for everyone, and my parents are quite old, so I'm going to be helping them as best I can. Unfortunately, it meant that my ideas to take my message beyond my blog this year are going to be postponed, but #SpreadTheWord as best you can when appropriate in these times (hard to know A.T.M).
As a result, I'm going to post things on social media, but the blog is going to be on hiatus for now, just until things settle down.
All I can say to you folks is stay safe, wash your hands regularly (my mum drilled that latter message into me as a kid, and it's stuck - makes it very hard to catch disease), self-isolate if you show symptoms
In the meantime, do what you can to help, especially the elderly who are at most risk, or people who are short of food. While I can, I'm still walking my neighbour's dog, but how long that'll be possible is hard to tell. Buy groceries for people too old or sick to do so. Call up elderly people who may already be very isolated and lonely. If you're from an at-risk group, please stay safe, stay indoors for now.
And remember, it won't go on forever. Whether by summer or next year, this nightmare will eventually be over.
This too shall pass.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
https://acl.gov/COVID-19
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/covid-19-guidance-on-social-distancing-and-for-vulnerable-people/guidance-on-social-distancing-for-everyone-in-the-uk-and-protecting-older-people-and-vulnerable-adults
https://www.health.gov.au/news/health-alerts/novel-coronavirus-2019-ncov-health-alert
Sunday, March 8, 2020
HIATUS
Hi Readers,
This is the 'Invisible Man' again, just updating you on what's been going on in my life recently.
In the past couple of months I lost both of my grandparents (my mum's parents), and having been very close to them for thirty years, it's been a shattering blow for all of us.
My grandparents had a very close relationship with my brother, my cousins and I, so it almost goes without saying that it's a huge loss, and I miss them terribly. Those who have suffered bereavement before will understand, I'm sure.
As a result, I've had to take time out of work, and out of my university course. It's also resulted in a backlog of work and university submissions that I've been desperately trying to catch up on. It means that a lot of the things I normally do I've been unable to do, and that includes my blogging. Some of my planned posts have unfortunately been postponed, so they'll have to come out a bit later.
Don't worry though, I will be back soon, and I plan to be more active this year, to for male abuse survivors, and offering what assistance I can think of to female abuse survivors.
I have still been posting when I've had a moment or two to spare,
Normal service will continue, but until then don't forget to #SpreadTheWord. I would suggest those male survivors who I do speak to on twitter, speak to friends and family about this issue, and start telling the stories of other Invisible Men.
Yours Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
This is the 'Invisible Man' again, just updating you on what's been going on in my life recently.
In the past couple of months I lost both of my grandparents (my mum's parents), and having been very close to them for thirty years, it's been a shattering blow for all of us.
My grandparents had a very close relationship with my brother, my cousins and I, so it almost goes without saying that it's a huge loss, and I miss them terribly. Those who have suffered bereavement before will understand, I'm sure.
As a result, I've had to take time out of work, and out of my university course. It's also resulted in a backlog of work and university submissions that I've been desperately trying to catch up on. It means that a lot of the things I normally do I've been unable to do, and that includes my blogging. Some of my planned posts have unfortunately been postponed, so they'll have to come out a bit later.
Don't worry though, I will be back soon, and I plan to be more active this year, to for male abuse survivors, and offering what assistance I can think of to female abuse survivors.
I have still been posting when I've had a moment or two to spare,
Normal service will continue, but until then don't forget to #SpreadTheWord. I would suggest those male survivors who I do speak to on twitter, speak to friends and family about this issue, and start telling the stories of other Invisible Men.
Yours Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Sunday, January 19, 2020
WHY BEING "COOL" IS A CRUEL HOAX
Dear Readers,
On this blog I've been speaking about ideas that don't exactly conform with the crowd. Talking about sexual abuse and domestic violence is pretty unpleasant at best, but bringing up issues such as those of my experience that most people in society fail to understand (or seem to) is even more difficult.
In this particular entry however, I'd like to speak about something a little different, and wish to aim it at a younger audience, and on the idea of being cool.
I've been there myself, having gone through adolescence, and constantly worried about what other people thought of me. There was so much in the way of how you should wear your hair, what music you should listen to, I mean I enjoyed nu-metal and emo music as a kid but that was what I was into. Nowadays I wouldn't be caught dead listening to it, and many of my male and female peers would be extremely embarrassed to think of what they used to listen to, watch and wear as kids and teenagers.
The female example is pretty blatant too, with so much pressure put on young women regarding what's cool to wear, how to have one's hair, female fashion is so changeable that I find it somewhat bewildering. And woe betide any teenage girl who goes to school with her insecure friends.
And then you have dull bums like these trying to make the point of "logic" that this is, but come across as pretty misogynistic by calling women without makeup various forms of ugly, and then calling women who wear makeup "fake bitches", the two-faced fool: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHcIOUdZCr4
The same applies to virtue signalling. After my granddad's passing, I was intrigued and disappointed to notice that a few of my friends were a bit too busy complaining about Jeremy Corbyn and the election to offer any words of condolence. That's the thing about it. It's not about empathy, it's about looking cool.
That is their only reason to do that, and approve of such amoral, immoral, immature, childish, unempathetic, unpleasant, unintelligent and all-round stupid ways of thinking. Not because it's the right thing to do or because it achieves anything, but because it's 'cool' and that's it. Even people making up trans identities that make no sense (e.g. I identify as being from outer space, an actual example) are just conforming to what they think is in.
The implications are clear. Be 'cool' and 'trendy' or risk ostracisation for being different. Even attempts at being 'different' end up falling prey to this way of thinking when they get off the ground. In the end, we teach kids to try and be 'cool' rather than teach them to accept one another, warts and all. If anyone fails to fall into this category, they're out.
I understand the idea. We all want to fit in with our peers, because as social creatures, evolution-wise we risked life and limb itself if faced with ostracization. If you enjoy the trappings of a certain culture, that's fine, but if your friends would shun you for not being trendy enough, then find some real friends because that's not what these people are.
When it comes to these trends, what are they for normally? Makeup? Music? Fashion? Making money. I admit, it takes a deal of bravery to stand out from the crowd, especially when your confidence is low, but it goes to show the sort of society we live in, where this shallow and vapid point of view prevails.
Real 'cool' people tend to stand out from the crowd, or act as an example to follow.
What is 'being cool' but manipulated conformity?
To wrap up, I'll leave you with this Shakespeare quote:
'We are the makers of manners, and the liberty that follows our places stops the mouth of all find faults.'
Henry V Act 5 Scene 2
Yours sincerely,
The Invisible Man
On this blog I've been speaking about ideas that don't exactly conform with the crowd. Talking about sexual abuse and domestic violence is pretty unpleasant at best, but bringing up issues such as those of my experience that most people in society fail to understand (or seem to) is even more difficult.
In this particular entry however, I'd like to speak about something a little different, and wish to aim it at a younger audience, and on the idea of being cool.
I've been there myself, having gone through adolescence, and constantly worried about what other people thought of me. There was so much in the way of how you should wear your hair, what music you should listen to, I mean I enjoyed nu-metal and emo music as a kid but that was what I was into. Nowadays I wouldn't be caught dead listening to it, and many of my male and female peers would be extremely embarrassed to think of what they used to listen to, watch and wear as kids and teenagers.
The female example is pretty blatant too, with so much pressure put on young women regarding what's cool to wear, how to have one's hair, female fashion is so changeable that I find it somewhat bewildering. And woe betide any teenage girl who goes to school with her insecure friends.
And then you have dull bums like these trying to make the point of "logic" that this is, but come across as pretty misogynistic by calling women without makeup various forms of ugly, and then calling women who wear makeup "fake bitches", the two-faced fool: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHcIOUdZCr4
The same applies to virtue signalling. After my granddad's passing, I was intrigued and disappointed to notice that a few of my friends were a bit too busy complaining about Jeremy Corbyn and the election to offer any words of condolence. That's the thing about it. It's not about empathy, it's about looking cool.
That is their only reason to do that, and approve of such amoral, immoral, immature, childish, unempathetic, unpleasant, unintelligent and all-round stupid ways of thinking. Not because it's the right thing to do or because it achieves anything, but because it's 'cool' and that's it. Even people making up trans identities that make no sense (e.g. I identify as being from outer space, an actual example) are just conforming to what they think is in.
The implications are clear. Be 'cool' and 'trendy' or risk ostracisation for being different. Even attempts at being 'different' end up falling prey to this way of thinking when they get off the ground. In the end, we teach kids to try and be 'cool' rather than teach them to accept one another, warts and all. If anyone fails to fall into this category, they're out.
I understand the idea. We all want to fit in with our peers, because as social creatures, evolution-wise we risked life and limb itself if faced with ostracization. If you enjoy the trappings of a certain culture, that's fine, but if your friends would shun you for not being trendy enough, then find some real friends because that's not what these people are.
When it comes to these trends, what are they for normally? Makeup? Music? Fashion? Making money. I admit, it takes a deal of bravery to stand out from the crowd, especially when your confidence is low, but it goes to show the sort of society we live in, where this shallow and vapid point of view prevails.
Real 'cool' people tend to stand out from the crowd, or act as an example to follow.
What is 'being cool' but manipulated conformity?
To wrap up, I'll leave you with this Shakespeare quote:
'We are the makers of manners, and the liberty that follows our places stops the mouth of all find faults.'
Henry V Act 5 Scene 2
Yours sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Wednesday, January 8, 2020
WHY IT'S OK TO USE THE TERM "PSYCHO GIRLFRIEND"
Dear Readers,
Hello again and happy new year. I hope you all had a good Christmas. Since my grandfather on my mum's side passed away just before December, it was a somewhat more difficult festive season than normal. However, we still enjoyed ourselves, and frankly, I'm glad to be back in the saddle and working/studying once again.
Does that mean that the issues we're bringing up have gone away? Absolutely not, unfortunately.
At the end of 2019, we faced the sight of Caroline Flack being prosecuted for the abuse of her boyfriend, and rightly so. It's a genuine step up, compared to the days of when male survivors of abuse were treated with utter contempt. For example, Rebekah Brooks, newspaper editor, and Murdoch darling was arrested in 2005 for assaulting her then husband Ross Kemp, who was branded by some of the more scummy tabloids as a "big girl's blouse".
https://www.theguardian.com/media/2005/nov/03/sun.pressandpublishing
Domestic violence is frighteningly frequent with 1.9 million adults suffering under it in England and Wales in 2017:
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2017
Of course, male victims of abuse - especially female abusers -
This brings me to the term "psycho girlfriend" and the need to stop turning a blind eye in society to abusive women who assault their partners over an inability to control their tempers, or just simple childishness.
https://www.facebook.com/PsychoGF
Here we have a post filled with charmers such as (Needless to say, I reported it as best I could.)
Hell, even mumsnet got in on the act, claiming that all it means is "wanting to know what's going on" but they'd obviously be damned if they'd allow their husbands to treat them the same way (because it's possessive and controlling behaviour, no matter how you scrape it).
Here we have an interesting post from 2016 from someone called Katie Clough, who is obviously a psycho girlfriend but making a thousand and one excuses as to why she's not.
https://thetab.com/uk/nottingham/2016/03/17/defence-psycho-girlfriend-31147
If you've gone to the article, you'll see that while she's a very good-looking young lady, she has bad news written all over her, and her boyfriend looks less than thrilled to be with her.
Girls all over the world have been branded as 'psychos' for reacting when their boyfriends acted out of line.
That depends on your definition of acted out of line. If you mean verbally abusing you or physically assaulting you, or in the act of cheating on you, then yes. That's out of line. Liking a girl's picture on instagram or saying hello to another woman is not.
Personally I think this is a crass overexaggeration. Boys are just as possessive and jealous, yet no-one ever gives them grief for it.
Leaving aside the whining of this post, have you heard of something called the #metoo movement? Allegations against R. Kelly? Internet youtuber Onision? (The latter two are surprisingly similar, down to their temper tantrums and meltdowns.)
My former self, and so many friends have spent hours analysing what boys say, as we are too scared to say how we really feel.
On the one hand, I can empathise with this. Many a time I've done the same thing for the same fear, so you're not alone. However, you need to recognise that the issue lies with you, not them.
The reason being because of this horrible label of girls being 'clingy' or 'psycho' if we react to displaying how we are really feeling inside.
I am totally unconvinced that society and men have stopped you from expressing your true feelings. If the facebook page is anything to go by, the worst excesses of this behaviour seem to be treated as a joke.
Well, not anymore. I've had enough.
Did you hear that? She's had enough! She's had enough, so she has! Yessiree! Yes sir, she has reached the end of her tether, her patience has run out, she ain't gonna have dis shit no more! E.N.U.F She has had ENOUGH!
Recently because I've been getting really pissed off that the result of me sticking up for myself if I'm annoyed with my boyfriend has resulted me in being branded as a psycho.
Like I said, it depends on what you consider to be "sticking up for yourself" and to be quite honest, you don't seem either secure, nor mature enough to handle a relationship. Perhaps take some time to find yourself, get to know yourself better, learn to love and look after yourself rather than let your neuroses get to you while you obviously bite off more than you can chew. If you want to stick up for yourself, for God's sake grow up a bit!
Trust me: most girls think the same as I do.
Well, that's not good news for all relationships at the end of the 2010s. Hang on, you don't know most girls, do you? You just know your immediate friends and family.
Oh, look at you, Luke, you think you've found a girl who's "really chilled man",
Perhaps then it's time to work up the courage and be honest about what you both want in this relationship? It's not exactly fair for him or you to conceal this and lead the other on. It's your responsibility to tell your partner what you want. I can't do it for you.
well, don't get your hopes up yet mate because secretly she DOES mind that little catch up coffee you had with your ex
Then clearly you need to be up front with one another. If he's not then talk to him. If you're not, then it's nobody else's fault.
and her whole WhatsApp group will be bitching about it for the rest of the day.
How is this anything but a demonstration that you and your girlfriends are all too immature to handle a relationship, and have no self-respect whatsoever. If you're too insecure to express your emotions (feels weird to tell girls to do that) in an honest discussion with your boyfriend, then clearly you're not ready for a relationship. That's fine if you're not, there's no shame in it (and in society we're all pushed too quickly into that anyway), but don't kid yourself that your insecurities are all men's fault, nor that this is respectful to your partner. If you can't respect yourself, nor your partner, you've no business being in a relationship.
(She also puts in a few screenshots of "fuckboy" - WTF? - behaviour while lamenting "why are boys like this?" referring to an obviously fake conversation that never happened anywhere but in her own insecure mind. Also, why would you be respected by male partners if you call them "fuckboys" all the time? Respect is very much a two way street, and has to be earned.)
She really does want something serious.
OK, so is "she" (i.e. are you) going to say so or just hope that it occurs to him.
Any girl who acts chilled out is just trying to lure you into a false sense of security and a relationship.
And that sneaky, underhand method is the opposite of what you should do, said girl is clearly not strong or grown up enough for a boyfriend yet.
Boys might think they've got girls covered, but I've been a girl since I came out of the womb.
And you still haven't got girls covered, you haven't got yourself covered, otherwise you'd have never written an article like this..
So take it from me that the girl you are talking to, who you think is 'cool and doesn't want anything serious either' will be looking for wedding dresses, your ex-girlfriend on facebook, and apps to hack into your text messages.
Tell me again why this girl is having relationship troubles? I've no idea!
But really, we should ask, why are girls like this?
Hell, I'm asking it now!
Most of us have probably experienced that guy we really like, but he 'doesn't want to label anything'. This results in us spending endless hours stressing over them, debating with our friends about how long we should leave it to reply to his text, and refreshing their instagram feed to see if he's liked that one girl's photo again.
Problem 1, social media being corrosive. Problem 2, overthinking. I can empathise with this last point, I've done this more times than I care to remember, insecurity isn't a gender thing, it's a human thing. But make no mistake, you're your own worst enemy here, and you're probably driving these guys away.
You'd better believe we've been on facebook and whatsapp to see when you were last active. He probably told you in the morning that he was 'really starting to like you babe', yet he still goes home with the girl with the weird eyebrows the same night. Don't take a back seat - say when you're pissed off! Don't bottle it up to save face so you look chilled.
Well that's not stalker behaviour at all! Guys - like girls - are allowed to change their minds, and your stinking attitude and sense of entitlement has probably driven him away. To me, it sounds like you weren't really dating anyway!
The fact that men are often totally clueless on how to act in these situations doesn't help much either.
Laying aside the misandrist generalising comment there, you're not fooling anyone. You're not as worldly wise as you make yourself out to be, evident in the entire article that you yourself are too childish and selfish to handle a boyfriend.
They tend to deal with it in one of three ways:
Naivety - This will be when the boy pretends he has no idea what's going on.
Maybe it hasn't occurred to you that he genuinely is at a loss at your behaviour.
Exhibit A. "OMG you're annoyed because Sophie just said she'd give me a blowjob? Babe, we're just friends, she's only joking!" But if you are genuinely just a bit oblivious and stupid, then don't worry: I'll happily point out a hoe to you.
I doubt this conversation happened, unless you actually date someone who would say this in which case, you have bad taste!
Denial - "I'm not interested in my ex, why does it matter that I liked her instagram picture?" I hear you ask.
A legitimate question to ask.
Well a like clearly indicates interest
No, not really.
If I don't like Donald Trump, I'm not going to be liking photos of Donald Trump to express my liking of Donald Trump
Yeah, pretty sure that most people who like Donald Trump photos are either not attracted to him sexually (or are just weird, or both). It doesn't mean they want to sleep with him.
You can save up that InstaLove Craig, and send it my way instead because that's where your interest is now.
I hate social media. If it wasn't for that, we wouldn't have this lunacy. Look, this possessiveness is needy, petty, immature and stupid, and it's also dangerous. You have zero right to police what your boyfriend does and likes, just like he has no right to do the same to you, that is controlling and abusive behaviour, no excuses.
Accusation - "Listen babe, I text this girl I just met in a club and told her to come back to mine just so I could help her find her way back to her house. You're being a psycho about this, Jesus Christ."
I'm 99.999% sure that this conversation didn't happen, most women don't randomly trust male strangers if they're stuck. Besides, if she's stuck then perhaps you could help her? If she's a "hoe bag" she won't do owt if you're there to stop her, and if she's not, she'll have a woman to set her at ease.
Don't give me that shit. She knows where her own house is and even if she doesn't, why would you?
Because this conversation never happened outside your imagination?
If that bitch wants to find her way home, I'll text the link to Google maps and off she can fly, far, far away like a little slut fairy.
OK, that last bit made me laugh, but seriously? This is how young women treat one another?
So please don't try and make me out like a psychopath so that you can get away with playing the field.
You're not a psychopath, you're a shallow and insecure little girl with no sense of the real world, paranoia, delusion, and you need to sort your own life out.
It's not fair
Quite. Just like your behaviour.
and no girl should need to be worried about saying just how she feels to avoid being labelled as an obsessive mentalist.
I hate to dive into the incel subject for a nanosecond but seriously, incels? You want to have a relationship with someone as unstable as this? You'll wish you were an incel again!
And for the sake of equality, I'm going to clarify that it's OK to call male emotional abusers psychos, but there's no opposition to this to be honest.
At the end of the day this is what I'm talking about. And make no mistake here, I'm not just talking about domestic violence. I'm not just talking about male abuse victims.
I'm talking about the tolerance of the latter as being more acceptable, and the sordid and shameful attempts to try and excuse abusive behaviour with "Yeah but did you die? lol" inane rhetorical crap that seems to have not died the death it deserves. These attitudes are calling for the tolerance of abusers who seem "atypical" abusers because they have vaginas, or if they don't leave any scars or corpses. This is damaging to male abuse victims, and has been for years, simply telling us that we're the ones in the wrong, and that our abuse is deserved, whether the author intends it or not.
If you see people like this, call 'em out. Unlike the woke brigade, I'm not suggesting having blazing rows and demonstrations in the middle of the street, or even the emotional blackmail they seem to delight in, but instead highlight to other people why this is so stupid, irresponsible and damaging.
Don't treat people like this, and don't tolerate people treating you like this either.
Sincerely
Hello again and happy new year. I hope you all had a good Christmas. Since my grandfather on my mum's side passed away just before December, it was a somewhat more difficult festive season than normal. However, we still enjoyed ourselves, and frankly, I'm glad to be back in the saddle and working/studying once again.
Does that mean that the issues we're bringing up have gone away? Absolutely not, unfortunately.
At the end of 2019, we faced the sight of Caroline Flack being prosecuted for the abuse of her boyfriend, and rightly so. It's a genuine step up, compared to the days of when male survivors of abuse were treated with utter contempt. For example, Rebekah Brooks, newspaper editor, and Murdoch darling was arrested in 2005 for assaulting her then husband Ross Kemp, who was branded by some of the more scummy tabloids as a "big girl's blouse".
https://www.theguardian.com/media/2005/nov/03/sun.pressandpublishing
Domestic violence is frighteningly frequent with 1.9 million adults suffering under it in England and Wales in 2017:
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2017
Of course, male victims of abuse - especially female abusers -
This brings me to the term "psycho girlfriend" and the need to stop turning a blind eye in society to abusive women who assault their partners over an inability to control their tempers, or just simple childishness.
https://www.facebook.com/PsychoGF
Here we have a post filled with charmers such as (Needless to say, I reported it as best I could.)
Hell, even mumsnet got in on the act, claiming that all it means is "wanting to know what's going on" but they'd obviously be damned if they'd allow their husbands to treat them the same way (because it's possessive and controlling behaviour, no matter how you scrape it).
Here we have an interesting post from 2016 from someone called Katie Clough, who is obviously a psycho girlfriend but making a thousand and one excuses as to why she's not.
https://thetab.com/uk/nottingham/2016/03/17/defence-psycho-girlfriend-31147
If you've gone to the article, you'll see that while she's a very good-looking young lady, she has bad news written all over her, and her boyfriend looks less than thrilled to be with her.
Girls all over the world have been branded as 'psychos' for reacting when their boyfriends acted out of line.
That depends on your definition of acted out of line. If you mean verbally abusing you or physically assaulting you, or in the act of cheating on you, then yes. That's out of line. Liking a girl's picture on instagram or saying hello to another woman is not.
Personally I think this is a crass overexaggeration. Boys are just as possessive and jealous, yet no-one ever gives them grief for it.
Leaving aside the whining of this post, have you heard of something called the #metoo movement? Allegations against R. Kelly? Internet youtuber Onision? (The latter two are surprisingly similar, down to their temper tantrums and meltdowns.)
My former self, and so many friends have spent hours analysing what boys say, as we are too scared to say how we really feel.
On the one hand, I can empathise with this. Many a time I've done the same thing for the same fear, so you're not alone. However, you need to recognise that the issue lies with you, not them.
The reason being because of this horrible label of girls being 'clingy' or 'psycho' if we react to displaying how we are really feeling inside.
I am totally unconvinced that society and men have stopped you from expressing your true feelings. If the facebook page is anything to go by, the worst excesses of this behaviour seem to be treated as a joke.
Well, not anymore. I've had enough.
Did you hear that? She's had enough! She's had enough, so she has! Yessiree! Yes sir, she has reached the end of her tether, her patience has run out, she ain't gonna have dis shit no more! E.N.U.F She has had ENOUGH!
Recently because I've been getting really pissed off that the result of me sticking up for myself if I'm annoyed with my boyfriend has resulted me in being branded as a psycho.
Like I said, it depends on what you consider to be "sticking up for yourself" and to be quite honest, you don't seem either secure, nor mature enough to handle a relationship. Perhaps take some time to find yourself, get to know yourself better, learn to love and look after yourself rather than let your neuroses get to you while you obviously bite off more than you can chew. If you want to stick up for yourself, for God's sake grow up a bit!
Trust me: most girls think the same as I do.
Well, that's not good news for all relationships at the end of the 2010s. Hang on, you don't know most girls, do you? You just know your immediate friends and family.
Oh, look at you, Luke, you think you've found a girl who's "really chilled man",
Perhaps then it's time to work up the courage and be honest about what you both want in this relationship? It's not exactly fair for him or you to conceal this and lead the other on. It's your responsibility to tell your partner what you want. I can't do it for you.
well, don't get your hopes up yet mate because secretly she DOES mind that little catch up coffee you had with your ex
Then clearly you need to be up front with one another. If he's not then talk to him. If you're not, then it's nobody else's fault.
and her whole WhatsApp group will be bitching about it for the rest of the day.
How is this anything but a demonstration that you and your girlfriends are all too immature to handle a relationship, and have no self-respect whatsoever. If you're too insecure to express your emotions (feels weird to tell girls to do that) in an honest discussion with your boyfriend, then clearly you're not ready for a relationship. That's fine if you're not, there's no shame in it (and in society we're all pushed too quickly into that anyway), but don't kid yourself that your insecurities are all men's fault, nor that this is respectful to your partner. If you can't respect yourself, nor your partner, you've no business being in a relationship.
(She also puts in a few screenshots of "fuckboy" - WTF? - behaviour while lamenting "why are boys like this?" referring to an obviously fake conversation that never happened anywhere but in her own insecure mind. Also, why would you be respected by male partners if you call them "fuckboys" all the time? Respect is very much a two way street, and has to be earned.)
She really does want something serious.
OK, so is "she" (i.e. are you) going to say so or just hope that it occurs to him.
Any girl who acts chilled out is just trying to lure you into a false sense of security and a relationship.
And that sneaky, underhand method is the opposite of what you should do, said girl is clearly not strong or grown up enough for a boyfriend yet.
Boys might think they've got girls covered, but I've been a girl since I came out of the womb.
And you still haven't got girls covered, you haven't got yourself covered, otherwise you'd have never written an article like this..
So take it from me that the girl you are talking to, who you think is 'cool and doesn't want anything serious either' will be looking for wedding dresses, your ex-girlfriend on facebook, and apps to hack into your text messages.
Tell me again why this girl is having relationship troubles? I've no idea!
But really, we should ask, why are girls like this?
Hell, I'm asking it now!
Most of us have probably experienced that guy we really like, but he 'doesn't want to label anything'. This results in us spending endless hours stressing over them, debating with our friends about how long we should leave it to reply to his text, and refreshing their instagram feed to see if he's liked that one girl's photo again.
Problem 1, social media being corrosive. Problem 2, overthinking. I can empathise with this last point, I've done this more times than I care to remember, insecurity isn't a gender thing, it's a human thing. But make no mistake, you're your own worst enemy here, and you're probably driving these guys away.
You'd better believe we've been on facebook and whatsapp to see when you were last active. He probably told you in the morning that he was 'really starting to like you babe', yet he still goes home with the girl with the weird eyebrows the same night. Don't take a back seat - say when you're pissed off! Don't bottle it up to save face so you look chilled.
Well that's not stalker behaviour at all! Guys - like girls - are allowed to change their minds, and your stinking attitude and sense of entitlement has probably driven him away. To me, it sounds like you weren't really dating anyway!
The fact that men are often totally clueless on how to act in these situations doesn't help much either.
Laying aside the misandrist generalising comment there, you're not fooling anyone. You're not as worldly wise as you make yourself out to be, evident in the entire article that you yourself are too childish and selfish to handle a boyfriend.
They tend to deal with it in one of three ways:
Naivety - This will be when the boy pretends he has no idea what's going on.
Maybe it hasn't occurred to you that he genuinely is at a loss at your behaviour.
Exhibit A. "OMG you're annoyed because Sophie just said she'd give me a blowjob? Babe, we're just friends, she's only joking!" But if you are genuinely just a bit oblivious and stupid, then don't worry: I'll happily point out a hoe to you.
I doubt this conversation happened, unless you actually date someone who would say this in which case, you have bad taste!
Denial - "I'm not interested in my ex, why does it matter that I liked her instagram picture?" I hear you ask.
A legitimate question to ask.
Well a like clearly indicates interest
No, not really.
If I don't like Donald Trump, I'm not going to be liking photos of Donald Trump to express my liking of Donald Trump
Yeah, pretty sure that most people who like Donald Trump photos are either not attracted to him sexually (or are just weird, or both). It doesn't mean they want to sleep with him.
You can save up that InstaLove Craig, and send it my way instead because that's where your interest is now.
I hate social media. If it wasn't for that, we wouldn't have this lunacy. Look, this possessiveness is needy, petty, immature and stupid, and it's also dangerous. You have zero right to police what your boyfriend does and likes, just like he has no right to do the same to you, that is controlling and abusive behaviour, no excuses.
Accusation - "Listen babe, I text this girl I just met in a club and told her to come back to mine just so I could help her find her way back to her house. You're being a psycho about this, Jesus Christ."
I'm 99.999% sure that this conversation didn't happen, most women don't randomly trust male strangers if they're stuck. Besides, if she's stuck then perhaps you could help her? If she's a "hoe bag" she won't do owt if you're there to stop her, and if she's not, she'll have a woman to set her at ease.
Don't give me that shit. She knows where her own house is and even if she doesn't, why would you?
Because this conversation never happened outside your imagination?
If that bitch wants to find her way home, I'll text the link to Google maps and off she can fly, far, far away like a little slut fairy.
OK, that last bit made me laugh, but seriously? This is how young women treat one another?
So please don't try and make me out like a psychopath so that you can get away with playing the field.
You're not a psychopath, you're a shallow and insecure little girl with no sense of the real world, paranoia, delusion, and you need to sort your own life out.
It's not fair
Quite. Just like your behaviour.
and no girl should need to be worried about saying just how she feels to avoid being labelled as an obsessive mentalist.
I hate to dive into the incel subject for a nanosecond but seriously, incels? You want to have a relationship with someone as unstable as this? You'll wish you were an incel again!
And for the sake of equality, I'm going to clarify that it's OK to call male emotional abusers psychos, but there's no opposition to this to be honest.
At the end of the day this is what I'm talking about. And make no mistake here, I'm not just talking about domestic violence. I'm not just talking about male abuse victims.
I'm talking about the tolerance of the latter as being more acceptable, and the sordid and shameful attempts to try and excuse abusive behaviour with "Yeah but did you die? lol" inane rhetorical crap that seems to have not died the death it deserves. These attitudes are calling for the tolerance of abusers who seem "atypical" abusers because they have vaginas, or if they don't leave any scars or corpses. This is damaging to male abuse victims, and has been for years, simply telling us that we're the ones in the wrong, and that our abuse is deserved, whether the author intends it or not.
If you see people like this, call 'em out. Unlike the woke brigade, I'm not suggesting having blazing rows and demonstrations in the middle of the street, or even the emotional blackmail they seem to delight in, but instead highlight to other people why this is so stupid, irresponsible and damaging.
Don't treat people like this, and don't tolerate people treating you like this either.
Sincerely
Friday, December 6, 2019
CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR
Dear Readers,
So,
I recently published on twitter news that I would be away because of my studies, and it seems that I will be away on this blog til January. My grandfather on my mum's side just passed away, and so with that and the upcoming Christmas celebrations, as well as some end-of-year/new year plans, I'm again going to be out of action on this blog until January.
For my followers and blog readers, I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (or if you don't do Christmas, just enjoy the holidays and look after yourselves). Wrap up warm, stay safe, and I'll see you all in January. Much love.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
So,
I recently published on twitter news that I would be away because of my studies, and it seems that I will be away on this blog til January. My grandfather on my mum's side just passed away, and so with that and the upcoming Christmas celebrations, as well as some end-of-year/new year plans, I'm again going to be out of action on this blog until January.
For my followers and blog readers, I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (or if you don't do Christmas, just enjoy the holidays and look after yourselves). Wrap up warm, stay safe, and I'll see you all in January. Much love.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Sunday, November 17, 2019
ON A BREAK FOR NOW
Dear Readers,
Some of you may have noticed how I didn't post my usual monthly entry this time around. Well, there's a reason for this.
I'm starting my master's degree, and that means I'm snowed in by books and reading. It all feels a bit intimidating, but I am determined to get this degree while working on sorting the rest of my life out, my finances, work/life balance...eehh, you get the picture.
I will be posting on twitter from time to time and on this blog when I get round to a moment, but until new year and spring, I'm going to have my hands rather full.
Do not despair, though. Anything you want to ask me, DM me on twitter:
https://twitter.com/TheInvi80692073
I will be posting there frequently, and when my time frees up more, I will be returning to the blog, and of course, I'm not going to content myself with just sitting around blogging. Being an invisible man is about creating change, so remember to #SpreadTheWord, and watch this space.
See ya soon!
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Some of you may have noticed how I didn't post my usual monthly entry this time around. Well, there's a reason for this.
I'm starting my master's degree, and that means I'm snowed in by books and reading. It all feels a bit intimidating, but I am determined to get this degree while working on sorting the rest of my life out, my finances, work/life balance...eehh, you get the picture.
I will be posting on twitter from time to time and on this blog when I get round to a moment, but until new year and spring, I'm going to have my hands rather full.
Do not despair, though. Anything you want to ask me, DM me on twitter:
https://twitter.com/TheInvi80692073
I will be posting there frequently, and when my time frees up more, I will be returning to the blog, and of course, I'm not going to content myself with just sitting around blogging. Being an invisible man is about creating change, so remember to #SpreadTheWord, and watch this space.
See ya soon!
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)