Dear Readers,
So,
I recently published on twitter news that I would be away because of my studies, and it seems that I will be away on this blog til January. My grandfather on my mum's side just passed away, and so with that and the upcoming Christmas celebrations, as well as some end-of-year/new year plans, I'm again going to be out of action on this blog until January.
For my followers and blog readers, I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (or if you don't do Christmas, just enjoy the holidays and look after yourselves). Wrap up warm, stay safe, and I'll see you all in January. Much love.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Friday, December 6, 2019
Sunday, November 17, 2019
ON A BREAK FOR NOW
Dear Readers,
Some of you may have noticed how I didn't post my usual monthly entry this time around. Well, there's a reason for this.
I'm starting my master's degree, and that means I'm snowed in by books and reading. It all feels a bit intimidating, but I am determined to get this degree while working on sorting the rest of my life out, my finances, work/life balance...eehh, you get the picture.
I will be posting on twitter from time to time and on this blog when I get round to a moment, but until new year and spring, I'm going to have my hands rather full.
Do not despair, though. Anything you want to ask me, DM me on twitter:
https://twitter.com/TheInvi80692073
I will be posting there frequently, and when my time frees up more, I will be returning to the blog, and of course, I'm not going to content myself with just sitting around blogging. Being an invisible man is about creating change, so remember to #SpreadTheWord, and watch this space.
See ya soon!
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Some of you may have noticed how I didn't post my usual monthly entry this time around. Well, there's a reason for this.
I'm starting my master's degree, and that means I'm snowed in by books and reading. It all feels a bit intimidating, but I am determined to get this degree while working on sorting the rest of my life out, my finances, work/life balance...eehh, you get the picture.
I will be posting on twitter from time to time and on this blog when I get round to a moment, but until new year and spring, I'm going to have my hands rather full.
Do not despair, though. Anything you want to ask me, DM me on twitter:
https://twitter.com/TheInvi80692073
I will be posting there frequently, and when my time frees up more, I will be returning to the blog, and of course, I'm not going to content myself with just sitting around blogging. Being an invisible man is about creating change, so remember to #SpreadTheWord, and watch this space.
See ya soon!
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Sunday, September 29, 2019
DAVID CAMERON AND THE "PRIVILEGE OF PAIN"
Dear Readers
Recently, we had the bizarre spectacle of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle (I didn't use her title because I can't remember it) waxing lyrical about "unearned privilege" (LINK). Of course, with them being members of an aristocratic royalty this looks like an obvious case of the dog calling the cat hairy-arsed (granted she's a non-white woman who married into it, but still she's a Royal).
This is typical of the "woke" movement, who've seen fit to create a hierarchy of suffering referred to as "privilege" or as some have cynically called it, the "oppression olympics". These bring about ideas that are kind of loosely based on the theories of Karl Marx, who in his writings described society in a paradigm of the "oppressed" and "oppressors".
One can read this in more detail in Marx's own writings, but the paradigm to put it very simply works like this.
There have been references to this in literature, such as the "morlocks" in 'The Time Machine' written by H.G. Wells in 1895, the creatures that live underground to sustain the leisurely life of the "Eloi" ruling class. Of course, Marks and Wells were both writing in the 19th Century, when the world was in many ways, very different, but the "woke" brigade has taken this rather un-nuanced idea and via people who're in the old media of film and TV. The way they've set this up has been something like this:
And here lies the rub. The result for these "liberal" attitudes to male survivors has not been pretty to say the least.
A few years ago, it was - and arguably still is - deemed as fine and acceptable to treat male survivors of abuse in such a callous way. Here's a rather nauseating example from mumsnet circa 2017. Read it if you can stomach such vile abuse apologism but if not, skip to "grotesque circus" below instead (TRIGGER WARNING):
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2836753-To-wonder-why-domestic-violence-is-seen-as-a-womans-issue-and-abused-men-are-often-ignored
It's enough to make you sick isn't it? The trigger warning remains for the comments below. I've gathered them together, but looking at them is pretty unpleasant as a male abuse survivor, and is enough to make you lose your sanity, so don't look at them if you can't stomach them. It's like looking into a padded cell, because the words of these men and women commenting on some distorted feminist viewpoint is disturbing and shocking, and even delves into abuse apologism and victim blaming.
"men have privileges that prevent them from being able to empathize with the struggles of women, even when they are survivors of sexual crimes."
Kaelyn Polick Kirkpatrick, The State Press, 2014
"Yes, please, let's not forget the poor men, who make up a whopping 15% of the domestic violence victims (nonsarcastic saide: this includes situations in which the violence is mutual, or the woman used violence in response to violence), who are far less likely to be hurt by domestic violence given the differences in size and strength between most men and women, and who aren't laboring under lifetimes of oppressive gender hierarchy. I'm glad that you raised awareness of this terrible scourge so that we can convince the public that more of the ample, nay, surplus of resources that we throw at alleviating domestic violence against women can now be re-channeled to help the poor, oppressed men. Thank you. Thank you for thinking of the dudes."
Username Petronella, Jezebel.com, 2007
"It's okay, ladies. They can just consider it payback for binding our feet, shoving our chunklet asses into corsets, leaving chick babies on mountaintops, droolin' over size 0 asses, and generally making us miserable for centuries."
Username Warmaiden, Jezebel.com, 2007.
(NOTE: I had to correct some of the grammar in this comment)
The reason that feminist(s)* are opposed to ["MRAs"]** opening men's shelters is because there is next to no funding as it is, and when women are experiencing the brunt of the violence, feminist(s)* are doing their best to stem the tide of victims who need support.
Jamie Utt, changefromwithin.org, 2013
* My correction
** I can only assume that this man is opposed to general assistance to male abuse victims.
"Men smell funny, especially when they're on fire"
A pro-abuse Feminist T-Shirt recently for sale online.
I have seen about three genuine male victims in over 7 years of DV work. I once saw one who put on a very convincing display - sobbing about how he was going to lose his kids, was afraid for his life. Yet his partner recorded him saying she was a mad cunt, he was going to take the kids away from her, she was so worthless she might as well just kill herself.
I'd love to tell you that was a one off but I have a similar tale of life nearly - nearly - every male "victim" I ever came across.
No one's refusing any services, but if men truly suffer domestic violence to the extent some here seem to think they do they can go ahead and set up refuges. Why won't they?
Username Bibblewanda, mumsnet.org, 2017.
Why aren't men fundraising for men's refuges then? BECAUSE THEY DON'T NEED ANY.
Username 1484317265, mumsnet.org, 2017
Sorry but I do not think the demand for men's refuges is there, and women's refuges are closing all the time due to budget cuts, which is a travesty.
Username bananaleaves, mumsnet.org, 2017
If you're a feminist or a general "progressive" or "liberal" and reading this, I hope that this sorry parade makes you feel uncomfortable, because that's a sign you're a human being with compassion. Hold onto that. It tells you that something is wrong, that this is wrong.
The problem is of course, due to this grotesque circus, it just seems to go on and on, and now it appears to have finally come full circle.
A few weeks ago, the Guardian, one of the most foremost left wing newspapers in Britain, published an article referring to former Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron's pain of losing his son as "privileged pain". Now personally I've never been too fond of David Cameron. I found his line on tuition fees infuriated me, especially as I was about to go to university. I found his attitude of "we're all in this together" completely insincere, feeling more like he was saying, "you're all in this together" instead. When riots broke out in England in 2011, he claimed that there'd been a "moral breakdown" in the country, which enraged me considering some of the misdeeds of some of the folks from his class of society, and the liebor scandal of banks robbing consumers and businesses blind through fraud and deception off the back of the 2008 recession.
Of course, even if I was a big supporter of him, this is and should be immaterial. His policies are immaterial. His flaws are immaterial. It is unacceptable to use the death of someone's child to attack them, because it is wrong. That's all there is to it. It is wrong, and to do this to David Cameron leaves others open to being attacked in the same way.
Here is the wikipedia page on King George V.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_V
He was the King of England, Scotland, Wales, Ireland, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and the various colonies of the British Empire, and the Emperor of India. He was a Field Marshal in the British Army, an Admiral of the Fleet of the Royal Navy, and Chief of the Royal Air Force. A former Duke of York and Prince of Wales, and the recipient of countless of domestic and foreign royal orders. Arguably, considering the sheer size of the British Empire he was the most powerful man in the world.
He lost his son, Prince John, to epilepsy in 1919. He suffered from epileptic fits and a learning disability, possible autism. He only lived to the age of 13.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prince_John_of_the_United_Kingdom
Is anyone deluded enough to not think that the King, because he was so wealthy and powerful, was able to just shrug his suffering off easier than a working class family who'd just lost one of their own in the First World War? Would anyone with a heart or a brain be able to fathom that maybe being human means that we all share the same pain?
Now, I've published an article earlier on suicide, detailing the death of a friend of mine to suicide, and how utterly awful it was. In particular, his parents came to mind, it's hard to imagine how utterly heartbreaking it must've been - and still must be - for them now. The same goes for a girl I knew in school (I was in the same class as her brother), who was lost to blood poisoning, leaving behind her mum and dad, brother, husband, and two children. Now they came from one of the richest countries in the world, did they feel it less than someone who lives in a war zone? Or in the third world?
This isn't about David Cameron, this isn't about 'Austerity', this is about compassion and setting an unforgivable precedent. Personally, I will never forgive the Guardian for publishing this vile article, setting a moral standard that says it's acceptable to attack grieving parents anywhere in order to prove a point. I have absolutely no respect for them as a newspaper, or the "woke" crowd who treat people's suffering as a new hierarchy and do away with compassion that they somehow demand of other people.
The "SJW" crowd have attacked vulnerable people, and when it comes to male survivors of abuse, we've had the spectacle of so-called feminists outrageously claiming that said male survivors still have "unearned male privilege" because "they won't be asked what they were wearing". Many thanks to James Landrith for highlighting this, because I find it just as sickening. This hierarchy of suffering I suspect has not helped a single person, and in fact it has piggybacked on the pain of others for selfish power, profit and ego, increasing human misery exponentially.
It is not good enough or acceptable to insult and abuse those suffering from very human pain. I don't care if it's a homeless person or a millionaire, compassion should not be treated as a finite resource with only enough to go to those "most" in need. It's truly shameful for selfish so-called "progressives" to lecture people with mental illness, poverty, and abuse issues, just because they enjoy some advantages through accident of birth. And it is outrageous for the same people to treat male abuse victims like utter garbage with no right to live on this earth because they upset their "narrative".
I've run into lowlife types who behave like this, it comes with the territory talking about male abuse issues, but the scum who do it to me will happily do it to others who might not be so willing to put themselves at risk.
We all feel pain. We all suffer. There are a few things that we have in common that unite us. They're called "being human".
We should take care to remember that.
We should also remember that nobody should have to suffer abuse, no matter who they are or what their standing is (which pond life at mumsnet and these other examples seem to forget).
And that no parent should have to bury their child.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Recently, we had the bizarre spectacle of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle (I didn't use her title because I can't remember it) waxing lyrical about "unearned privilege" (LINK). Of course, with them being members of an aristocratic royalty this looks like an obvious case of the dog calling the cat hairy-arsed (granted she's a non-white woman who married into it, but still she's a Royal).
This is typical of the "woke" movement, who've seen fit to create a hierarchy of suffering referred to as "privilege" or as some have cynically called it, the "oppression olympics". These bring about ideas that are kind of loosely based on the theories of Karl Marx, who in his writings described society in a paradigm of the "oppressed" and "oppressors".
One can read this in more detail in Marx's own writings, but the paradigm to put it very simply works like this.
- Rulers at the top (kings, emperors, prime ministers).
- Clergy second from top to deceive people (bishops, priests, religious leaders).
- Army third from top to keep people in line.
- Capitalists live off the profits (bosses, bankers, middle class).
- Workers at the bottom sustain this all.
There have been references to this in literature, such as the "morlocks" in 'The Time Machine' written by H.G. Wells in 1895, the creatures that live underground to sustain the leisurely life of the "Eloi" ruling class. Of course, Marks and Wells were both writing in the 19th Century, when the world was in many ways, very different, but the "woke" brigade has taken this rather un-nuanced idea and via people who're in the old media of film and TV. The way they've set this up has been something like this:
- White straight males at the top.
- White women next down.
- Black men next down.
- Black women next down.
There are other groups that fit into this theory, but you get the idea. Basically, because some of these self-proclaimed "liberal" types have bought into this theory, because some of these groups face different types of injustice, everyone must believe it.
Then you get theories that comedy should "punch up" and not "punch down" when it comes to gender and race. (Interestingly, the proponents of these ideas seem happy to turn against working class people if they don't follow their ideas, or to do so anyway, such as jokes about "chavs" and "rednecks" from white middle class "liberal" comedians).
The truth is group A might face an unfair injustice that group B is safe from, but group B might face their own injustices that group A does not experience. The alternative viewpoint is that you have the idea that if you're a white man and straight (therefore with some advantages historically or the like), you're fair game, even if you're working class, or an abuse survivor. Therefore you have the grotesque spectacle of rich women and rich men calling male survivors (or men with mental illness/living in poverty) "oppressors" or "abusers".
And here lies the rub. The result for these "liberal" attitudes to male survivors has not been pretty to say the least.
A few years ago, it was - and arguably still is - deemed as fine and acceptable to treat male survivors of abuse in such a callous way. Here's a rather nauseating example from mumsnet circa 2017. Read it if you can stomach such vile abuse apologism but if not, skip to "grotesque circus" below instead (TRIGGER WARNING):
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2836753-To-wonder-why-domestic-violence-is-seen-as-a-womans-issue-and-abused-men-are-often-ignored
It's enough to make you sick isn't it? The trigger warning remains for the comments below. I've gathered them together, but looking at them is pretty unpleasant as a male abuse survivor, and is enough to make you lose your sanity, so don't look at them if you can't stomach them. It's like looking into a padded cell, because the words of these men and women commenting on some distorted feminist viewpoint is disturbing and shocking, and even delves into abuse apologism and victim blaming.
"men have privileges that prevent them from being able to empathize with the struggles of women, even when they are survivors of sexual crimes."
Kaelyn Polick Kirkpatrick, The State Press, 2014
"Yes, please, let's not forget the poor men, who make up a whopping 15% of the domestic violence victims (nonsarcastic saide: this includes situations in which the violence is mutual, or the woman used violence in response to violence), who are far less likely to be hurt by domestic violence given the differences in size and strength between most men and women, and who aren't laboring under lifetimes of oppressive gender hierarchy. I'm glad that you raised awareness of this terrible scourge so that we can convince the public that more of the ample, nay, surplus of resources that we throw at alleviating domestic violence against women can now be re-channeled to help the poor, oppressed men. Thank you. Thank you for thinking of the dudes."
Username Petronella, Jezebel.com, 2007
"It's okay, ladies. They can just consider it payback for binding our feet, shoving our chunklet asses into corsets, leaving chick babies on mountaintops, droolin' over size 0 asses, and generally making us miserable for centuries."
Username Warmaiden, Jezebel.com, 2007.
(NOTE: I had to correct some of the grammar in this comment)
The reason that feminist(s)* are opposed to ["MRAs"]** opening men's shelters is because there is next to no funding as it is, and when women are experiencing the brunt of the violence, feminist(s)* are doing their best to stem the tide of victims who need support.
Jamie Utt, changefromwithin.org, 2013
* My correction
** I can only assume that this man is opposed to general assistance to male abuse victims.
"Men smell funny, especially when they're on fire"
A pro-abuse Feminist T-Shirt recently for sale online.
I have seen about three genuine male victims in over 7 years of DV work. I once saw one who put on a very convincing display - sobbing about how he was going to lose his kids, was afraid for his life. Yet his partner recorded him saying she was a mad cunt, he was going to take the kids away from her, she was so worthless she might as well just kill herself.
I'd love to tell you that was a one off but I have a similar tale of life nearly - nearly - every male "victim" I ever came across.
No one's refusing any services, but if men truly suffer domestic violence to the extent some here seem to think they do they can go ahead and set up refuges. Why won't they?
Username Bibblewanda, mumsnet.org, 2017.
Why aren't men fundraising for men's refuges then? BECAUSE THEY DON'T NEED ANY.
Username 1484317265, mumsnet.org, 2017
Sorry but I do not think the demand for men's refuges is there, and women's refuges are closing all the time due to budget cuts, which is a travesty.
Username bananaleaves, mumsnet.org, 2017
If you're a feminist or a general "progressive" or "liberal" and reading this, I hope that this sorry parade makes you feel uncomfortable, because that's a sign you're a human being with compassion. Hold onto that. It tells you that something is wrong, that this is wrong.
The problem is of course, due to this grotesque circus, it just seems to go on and on, and now it appears to have finally come full circle.
A few weeks ago, the Guardian, one of the most foremost left wing newspapers in Britain, published an article referring to former Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron's pain of losing his son as "privileged pain". Now personally I've never been too fond of David Cameron. I found his line on tuition fees infuriated me, especially as I was about to go to university. I found his attitude of "we're all in this together" completely insincere, feeling more like he was saying, "you're all in this together" instead. When riots broke out in England in 2011, he claimed that there'd been a "moral breakdown" in the country, which enraged me considering some of the misdeeds of some of the folks from his class of society, and the liebor scandal of banks robbing consumers and businesses blind through fraud and deception off the back of the 2008 recession.
Of course, even if I was a big supporter of him, this is and should be immaterial. His policies are immaterial. His flaws are immaterial. It is unacceptable to use the death of someone's child to attack them, because it is wrong. That's all there is to it. It is wrong, and to do this to David Cameron leaves others open to being attacked in the same way.
Here is the wikipedia page on King George V.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_V
He was the King of England, Scotland, Wales, Ireland, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and the various colonies of the British Empire, and the Emperor of India. He was a Field Marshal in the British Army, an Admiral of the Fleet of the Royal Navy, and Chief of the Royal Air Force. A former Duke of York and Prince of Wales, and the recipient of countless of domestic and foreign royal orders. Arguably, considering the sheer size of the British Empire he was the most powerful man in the world.
He lost his son, Prince John, to epilepsy in 1919. He suffered from epileptic fits and a learning disability, possible autism. He only lived to the age of 13.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prince_John_of_the_United_Kingdom
Is anyone deluded enough to not think that the King, because he was so wealthy and powerful, was able to just shrug his suffering off easier than a working class family who'd just lost one of their own in the First World War? Would anyone with a heart or a brain be able to fathom that maybe being human means that we all share the same pain?
Now, I've published an article earlier on suicide, detailing the death of a friend of mine to suicide, and how utterly awful it was. In particular, his parents came to mind, it's hard to imagine how utterly heartbreaking it must've been - and still must be - for them now. The same goes for a girl I knew in school (I was in the same class as her brother), who was lost to blood poisoning, leaving behind her mum and dad, brother, husband, and two children. Now they came from one of the richest countries in the world, did they feel it less than someone who lives in a war zone? Or in the third world?
This isn't about David Cameron, this isn't about 'Austerity', this is about compassion and setting an unforgivable precedent. Personally, I will never forgive the Guardian for publishing this vile article, setting a moral standard that says it's acceptable to attack grieving parents anywhere in order to prove a point. I have absolutely no respect for them as a newspaper, or the "woke" crowd who treat people's suffering as a new hierarchy and do away with compassion that they somehow demand of other people.
The "SJW" crowd have attacked vulnerable people, and when it comes to male survivors of abuse, we've had the spectacle of so-called feminists outrageously claiming that said male survivors still have "unearned male privilege" because "they won't be asked what they were wearing". Many thanks to James Landrith for highlighting this, because I find it just as sickening. This hierarchy of suffering I suspect has not helped a single person, and in fact it has piggybacked on the pain of others for selfish power, profit and ego, increasing human misery exponentially.
It is not good enough or acceptable to insult and abuse those suffering from very human pain. I don't care if it's a homeless person or a millionaire, compassion should not be treated as a finite resource with only enough to go to those "most" in need. It's truly shameful for selfish so-called "progressives" to lecture people with mental illness, poverty, and abuse issues, just because they enjoy some advantages through accident of birth. And it is outrageous for the same people to treat male abuse victims like utter garbage with no right to live on this earth because they upset their "narrative".
I've run into lowlife types who behave like this, it comes with the territory talking about male abuse issues, but the scum who do it to me will happily do it to others who might not be so willing to put themselves at risk.
We all feel pain. We all suffer. There are a few things that we have in common that unite us. They're called "being human".
We should take care to remember that.
We should also remember that nobody should have to suffer abuse, no matter who they are or what their standing is (which pond life at mumsnet and these other examples seem to forget).
And that no parent should have to bury their child.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Saturday, August 31, 2019
DEAR INCELS - STOP DOING THAT AND GO AND DO SOMETHING USEFUL
(DISCLAIMER: IF YOU'RE A MAN WHO'S EXPERIENCING SEXUAL FRUSTRATION YOU'RE NOT AN INCEL. YOU'RE ONLY AN INCEL IF YOU'RE PART OF THE COMMUNITY THAT PREACHES DISTURBING AND DISTASTEFUL CONTENT THAT IS FEATURED BELOW. FOR THOSE "INCELS" NOT WANTING TO BE "INCELS" SKIP TO "TAKE MY ADVICE". TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING QUOTES.)
Dear Readers
Bear with me, this is going to be a long one, and quite a grotty subject. Brace yourselves.
Sexual frustration. It's a problem that no man has ever completely avoided throughout his life, not even Russell Brand has managed to avoid it. And if we're completely honest neither do women, and other folks. It's something we all deal with, and it's not exactly something that can be magicked away, but nor is it a permanent problem that nobody can change.
For my own situation, I've had difficulties with women, because my own learning was scrambled. First by mixed messages through media telling me that having sexual interest in women was "creepy" and "shallow", second by my abusive experiences, and being told that "girls are allowed to hit boys but boys aren't allowed to hit girls". (This scared me so much at the age of 12, I would repeatedly slap my own face to toughen myself up, because I thought that most guys were supposed to not feel a thing when a woman did it.)
And on top of this, there was the trauma of being actually sexually assaulted by a girl.
This has made me scared to approach women, not just for the sake of fear of rejection, but fearing my own safety. Fearing being assaulted, verbally abused, or molested coupled with a genuine terror of intimacy (which on one occasion I kissed a girl, I had a panic attack afterwards), and discomfort about my own sexual desires despite wanting to explore them, really makes it colossally hard to enjoy intimacy with someone.
Finding advice on the internet, is of course, a bit of a mine field, so it's been hard to find reliable information. In addition, whenever I've been rejected by a woman, I've not just been disappointed, but even ashamed of myself.
Sounds crazy, right?
Happily, I'm making steps to turn this all around, but it involves sorting myself out. As opposed to being an incel, I've decided to opt out of any attempts to interest women until I've got myself in a better and happier place. Getting a job, getting my university course started, enjoying a few activities to try and help other people and get used to interacting with others (because let's face it, one can get rather reclusive if stuck in the house all day). Hard work and patience I think will pay off in the end.
However, some folks out there don't respond to sexual frustration positively, to say the least. Some of these guys even have less issues than folks like me, and react to not just sexual frustration, but a seeming chronic inability to get laid (which I'm fortunate enough to not have since I've had a couple of mutually respectful sexual partners in my time) or get a partner based on delusion, and what I can only describe as madness.
We're talking about the dreaded 'Black Pill'.
(Interestingly, I was called an 'incel' by some oxygen thieving troll, but that's trolling for you, he also called me a 'cuck' whatever that means.)
I only became recently aware of the 'incel' community online (that's short for 'Involuntary Celibate'), They believe that women will only ever sleep with (or go out with) 'Alphas', i.e. strong and confident men. When they mean that, they also mean men with torsos like an egg box who look like they should be on the front of an Abercrombie and Fitch magazine (though they never quite explain who plenty of ordinary looking men have wives and girlfriends, sometimes even stunningly attractive ones).
They seem to categorise other men being 'Betas', those who're slightly submissive but can still get laid or get a girlfriend (I'm probably like this a bit myself), and 'Omegas' who can't even say hello to a woman (which most incels seem to be). The men that they most hate are 'Chads', who they describe as men who are the most confident and have ease with hooking up with or dating women they find attractive. There's a hell of a lot of what I unscientifically call 'Kaiser Wilhelm syndrome' (the last German Kaiser who hated the British, but also admired the British and wanted to be like them), they can't stand these guys, but they want to be just like them.
When it comes to categorising women, hoo boy! Have I got some misogyny here for you!
'Stacy' is a term that they use to describe women who're the most attractive, and most incels hate, but really want to sleep with. Those women who've slept with a lot of men, they call 'Roasties' because...well it's not hard to figure out, and I feel a bit unclean even thinking about typing it out.
One might say, 'So what? So some idiots on the internet are being idiots, who cares? There are loads of weirdos out there, what's the big deal about these guys? They're offensive and disgusting, but they're not going to do any harm are they?' Well, no. Except...
Probably the most notorious example of this movement was Elliot Rodger and the Isla Vista killings he carried out before committing suicide. For those who don't know, in 2014 a young man called Elliot Rodger armed himself with two pistols and two knives, and attacked a large number of people (men and women) before he was found by the police having shot himself. A lot of third wavers predictably started going on about the 'patriarchy', laughably claimed that 'ALL men have a sense of entitlement to sex' and started their stupid 'motallmen' hashtag, but third wavers like that are generally as loathesome as the incel community, just in a different way (an apt comparison would be dumb and dumber to be honest).
The first most obvious thing that sprang out on me was Elliot Rodger was suffering from some serious mental health issues (not that all mental health sufferers succumb to this level of derangement).
'I started walking along the shore, taking in the magnificence of the gentle, moonlit ocean. It was so...romantic. I kept walking and walking with no destination in mind. The romance of it all filled me with despair and longing. I wanted a girlfriend to experience that moment with me, but no girl wanted to be my girlfriend. The only think I could do was imagine how heavenly it would be to have a beautiful girl my my side. It is such a shameful tragedy...I ended up walking for two hours, and at the end of it I was crying to myself because I felt so sad.'
So far so normal, right? Many normal guys have had this problem themselves. God knows, I've felt like that myself in the past, but usually coupled with the fear of being hurt again. However, this guy took it to a whole new level.
At some level, I liken it to a dog not being socialised, if it becomes too isolated from people and other dogs, it becomes aggressive, defensive, even dangerous. Here's an excellent Ted talk that goes into greater detail than I can.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0hxl03JoA0
To some degree, Rodger is said to have never had many friends, and was obsessed with status. Having said all of that, it's not necessarily as if friends didn't try, but apparently he wasn't interested in listening, or putting in the legwork to socialise with others.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2642748/EXCLUSIVE-I-believe-I-friends-psycho-mass-murderer-Virgin-Killers-best-friend-speaks-reveals-warned-Elliot-Rodgers-mother-disturbing-Facebook-post-months-ago.html
The second apparent problem is that Rodger also had some severe personality issues that he needed to straighten out himself.
'I needed a girl's love. I needed to feel worthy as a male. For so long I have felt worthless.'
'Jealousy and envy...those are the two feelings that would dominate my entire life and bring me immense pain.'
'I passed by a girl I thought was pretty and said "Hi" as we neared each other. She kept on walking and didn't even have the grace to respond to me. How dare she! That foul bitch. I felt so humiliated that I went to one of the school bathrooms, locked myself in a toilet stall, and cried for an hour.'
All in all, Rodger could well have straightened out his life, but instead he chose to throw it all away and rob others of theirs in what can only be described as a tragic waste and folly.
I'm not 100% sure if Rodger himself was a member of the 'Incel' community, but what's really disturbing about the 'Incel' movement is that they think that Rodger was an example to follow! They even refer to him as the 'Supreme Gentleman' for crying out loud!
Disturbingly, some have even followed his example, such as Alek Minassian, who killed 10 and injured 16 in Toronto, ramming them with his truck.
'Private (Recruit) Minassian Infantry 00010, wishing to speak to Sgt 4chan please. C23249161. The Incel rebellion has already begun! We will overthrow all the Chads and the Stacys! All hail the supreme gentleman, Elliot Rodger!'
As if that's going to change your luck with women, sunshine.
Of course, don't just take my word for this bizarre and disturbing community, in fact I'll let them say so in their own words.
Some are just more like this guy, an issue that I doubt is exclusive to the 'incel' community. Here he describes feeling inferior to a friend of his.
'First seeing him with his GF, then listening to him talk to his normal close-knit family, and even his very essence of self-assuredness. He is a better human being in every way.'
OK this guy has my sympathy. If you're like him (and I've felt like this in the past, particularly before therapy), then I suggest maybe talking to him, trying to learn a few things from him, and don't beat yourself up over your perceived flaws, they're probably not as bad as you think.
'Being an incel is a suffering not even Stalin could inflict on his worst enemies.'
No, because they'd have to do it to themselves. All you have to do is ditch inceldom and put the work in to turn your life around.
'GUYS WITH GFs DO NOT DESERVE THEM!'
How so?
'They did nothing to deserve pussy. They did not risk their health lifting weights, they did not test their will doing NoFap.'
You do these for yourself, not for this rubbish! If you think that suddenly the world and any women you want is obliged to give you a bit of rumpy pumpy because you lifted a few heavy things, then your sense of reality has taken a serious walk off the map! The funny thing I find is, that when I've experienced third wave feminists spuriously claiming that men who want sex feel they are 'entitled' or 'owed' sex and thus all men have a 'sense of entitlement' - bizarre considering that wanting (consensual) sex is perfectly frigging normal for any adult - they would be bang on the money if they were talking about the incel community, who seem to be deluded to all hell.
'And to the little Asian boy you probably had to strive for so long to finally get a white woman to notice you. And the girl you're making out with isn't even that hot she looks like a feminist harpy with badly colored hair. So yeah, keep making out with that white woman, know that it won't fucking last.'
I've always found racism to be rather creepy, but this is as bizarre as it comes.
'A prostitute is the same thing as a girlfriend. You end up spending your hard-earned money in a gynocentric society (meaning it was twice as hard to make as a man) and then spend a large portion of that on a female who merely 'tolerates' you, but will spread her legs for Chad the minute she drinks a little bit of alcohol.
Because no man has ever cheated on his wife or girlfriend, right?
'I usually go when no one is at the gym. Slender young white girls in tight yoga pants are everywhere...these femoids are everywhere, doing their squats. They are trying to mock me by showing their assets and flaunting them. Women are pure evil and seek my destruction...Do they love inflicting harm on ugly brown men, by flaunting something I will never have? Women are pure cold-blooded evil.
Dude, they're exercising, they probably didn't even notice you. You need to get help. Or just wise up.
'Was there such a thing as the friendzone before the welfare state?'
What the nelly has the welfare state got to do with anything? Ever heard of something called logic?
'I have devoted every single second of my life into getting a GF yet bitches won't talk to me.'
Bit of a mystery why, ain't it?
'Am I doing the right thing? I like to find young girl vloggers and tell them that they're ugly and trash.'
Short answer, no. Long answer, no, non, nein, nyet, nee, na, nei, geen, jo, yox, uimh, hayi, kare, and every other language variant of no.
'Attractive 24 year old female co-worker has two tickets to go to a haunted house, she asked some male co-workers to go with her, WE ALL DECLINED! With all the blue pill white knight cucks around, I'm surprised she didn't find one guy here to take her up on the offer.'
Followed by a thread on 'how to overcome loneliness'.
' I don't want to find a non-virgin woman.'
Why? Never occurred to you that first time sex - take it from someone who knows - is actually pretty awkward and weird, and totally overrated, it's not like in a porno.
'Today I saw a woman crying her eyes out and almost couldn't control my laughter.'
You're just like those horrible 'male tearz' women, you scumbag.
But here are the worst ones. A lot of incels don't necessarily go this far, but just content themselves with moaning about their situation and doing bugger all about it. However, there is a presence who most definitely cross the line and keep going. Trigger warning for racism, sexism, misogyny, misandry, paedophilia references, sexual assault references, incest references, and domestic violence and abuse references.
'I'm about to get a roastie from my job sacked. She's just too ugly to work there and I don't like her. I tell my boss every day how useless she is and he said that he might sack her. I know I'm a rat bastard but I don't care.'
And if she was a stunner you would hate her for not having sex with you, so it's not like the poor woman can win, can she? You misogynistic creep.
'I calmly told [my female friend] that in return for everything I've done for her I deserve a blowjob, or at least a handjob.'
And then he pulled his pants down. (I wish I was making that up!)
'If you think women are people, you're ISIS.'
Maybe you might want to clue yourself into what the news has been reporting what ISIS has been up to, which includes mass rape, you damned fool.
'How do fathers with hot daughters/sisters cope?'
You wot?
'Imagine living in a house with a prime teen girl. Seeing her walk around in her underwear, hear her taking a shower, watching her getting dressed. It takes an insane amount of willpower to get over the fact that you will never bang her.'
I dunno, why don't you ask that nice Mr Fritzl on how to cope with it?*
'I don't hate blacks for being black, and it's not really their fault they're so violent, stupid and aggressive.'
What's this abhorrent racism got to do with your inability to get laid? OK, probably a lot, but still, why are you bringing it up in the first place?
'We need a constitutional amendment forcing attractive virgin females to have sex with incels.'
So it looks like sex slavery is the answer? And rape. Disgusting.
'12 isn't really prepubescent, by that age girls are already quite far into their development of secondary stage sex characteristics.
The guy later says anyone not attracted to 12 year old girls is gay. Sounds like NAMbLA has a new recruit! (If that's true, I'm glad to be 'gay'!)
'Females deserve to be holocausted.'
Laying aside the revolting approval of gendercide (a real term) and the riding of the coattails of the slaughter of the Holocaust, I have no words to respond to this.
'I groped and rubbed my dick against a woman on the bus home.'
This isn't dancing in a club, that's sexual assault, and you should be ashamed for having done that.
'What would your perfect girlfriend be like? Here's mine. Under 18 years old, accept once in a while being beaten (I have anger issues).
So you want a girl who says; 'You know what turns me on? Paedophiles and men who beat their wives! Mmmm!' Might have a bit of trouble finding that you gross troll.
Anyone who may be triggered by these subject matters or suffers from mental health issues, or is just vulnerable for some other reason, stay away from the incel community. It's horrid if you're their target, and if you have the same problem as they do, they're not going to help you, just make you feel miserable and waste your time.
But while I've ragged on the incels through most of this blog post by now, I'm not going to just content myself with kicking them down to make myself feel proud, because how's that going to achieve anything? So I'm going to address them directly, and instead offer a bit of a kick up the arse and also try and help them.
Look, for any incels reading this, being sexually frustrated is quite common, a lot of men, and even a lot of women have it too. But this? Suggesting killing women for not wanting to sleep with you? Do you actually believe that this nonsense is in any way going to work for you? The misogyny towards women who won't date you won't make you any more attractive, nor the misandry towards men who can actually get sex. And some of the things being quoted here are endorsing horrible, criminal, disgusting, abusive, hateful, or just downright horrid behaviour! (If you're an incel and don't say/do any of these things, do you really want to hang out with people who are like this?)
The world doesn't owe you sex or relationships, it won't just hand it to you on a silver platter, you've got to get out there yourself and look for it. I can't do it for you. You can't expect something for nothing, not in this world, and not when it comes to sex and relationships. And in addition, feeling that because you've done something "nice" in order to get laid and feel short changed because you haven't even got a handjob out of it, sorry but that's not how it works. If she's not attracted to you, she doesn't want to sleep with you, and if she doesn't want to sleep with you, she doesn't have to. And failing to realise this is hardly what anyone finds attractive in a partner. (My own abuser had this attitude after I rejected her, I haven't forgiven her for what she did next. Do you really want to go where she did and get her to hate you for trying to jump her? I don't think so somehow.)
I'll admit, I've had my issues with the opposite sex, sometimes been angry at women after my experiences of abuse - when being sexually assaulted it's pretty common and understandable among both men and women to have this feeling, I call it 'red eye moments' and they're based on fear and pain.
However, even at my worst, I've NEVER dreamed of killing women or anyone for that matter, certainly never for not wanting to sleep with me! Having been actually sexually assaulted, and having asperger's syndrome, I'm at a slight disadvantage, but I've had it a LOT worse than most of you incel types and I'm appalled at what I'm seeing. In fact, I find it quite annoying that despite having gone through less, a lot of you cross the line in some truly shocking ways. This is honestly on the same level as those in the third wave feminists who say that all men are deserving of hatred and contempt because some are abusers.
Fortunately, for those people messed up, misguided or crazy enough to be in the so-called 'incel' community, I have a way out (and no, going 'Oh but I did that it's too hard' is NOT an excuse and probably just an outright lie). But don't take my word for it, this is coming straight from some in the 'incel' community who've seen the light and finally woken up to some sense:
1) 'Shouldn't we be encouraging each other? Something I've noticed from being on this site is that whenever someone tries to make an effort to improve themselves (like gymcelling) to get a gf, people try to put them down to make sure they don't achieve anything. Wouldn't it be more productive to wish people good luck with their goals to get laid? Also shouldn't we congratulate those who do finally ascend? Just something I don't understand much.'
2) 'Is a fat fuck, start going to the gym trying to do something to get my life back on track, start doing cardio because I'm too intimidated to lift weights, finally like 3am when I thought no one was around, I go over to try and squat. Try an empty bar since I've only done body weight squats before. Wild "Chad"** comes out of nowhere, "Hey bro, let me help you out". Takes an hour out of his night to show me a few lifts, tells me when he's here and that he's always happy to help. Keep bumping into Chad when working out, he's always helpful and nice to me. He keeps trying to get me over to his place for Beer Pong, keep thinking it's gonna be like Carrie, but finally go, Chad and all his friends are nice as hell. Ended up getting a date with some chick that was there, got laid for the first time in years.'
3) 'Today at the pool I saw something that rattled my beliefs about relationships and psychology. This fat dude was chillin in the pool with what I can only assume was his GF because of how they kept physically touching each other and how close they were to each other. They also looked like they were having the time of their lives. I saw genuine joy in both of their faces. They both looked to be about in their early 20s, so this kinda disproves that she was using him as a beta male provider because women usually turn to them once they're old, used and worn out. I thought hot women in their 20s only pursued Chad cock? IDK what to believe anymore. I look at myself, a guy with a good build, and good muscle, with a 6/10 face, (although I'm 5'7'') and I wonder why this fat dude has this beautiful girl while I've never even hugged a girl before. Maybe, just maybe a funny personality and confidence is what made this guy get this girl? I'm kind of at a loss
4) 'Don't know if you guys hear this a lot, but subs like /r/justneckbeardthings, r/niceguys, and this one*** made me realise my point of view about women was just straight up wrong (I'm 17) I mean I used to agree with a lot of things being said on r/incels, that's how bad it was. I used to be addicted to gaming and depressed (I still am a little bit) but I learned I had to improve myself and love myself if I wanted someone to love me back. So I just wanted to say thank you for steering me in the right direction. Thanks for the support and the advice, it means a lot...the tremendous amount of support has made me even more motivated to live a happy life and make other people happy.'
5) 'You're such fucking liars. Asked out a girl today, and she said yes. Not just any girl, but one I hoped may have at least some of the same interests as mine and my same mindset. She said yes and also smiled. So fuckin happy today.. You made me think I need to look like a fuckin Calvin Klein model for a girl to talk to me yeah go fuck yourself dumb fucks. At best, if I looksmax, I'm average. So as for that, yeah, you're just full of shit thinking you should be 10/10 for a girl to love you. Taking her to a national park tomorrow night. And I don't care if I don't "recreate" or whatever the fuck it is, at least I have finally found someone.'
If you STILL don't believe me, look up Jono Lancaster, a fellow with 'treacher collins syndrome' that results in facial deformities, and yet he has a beautiful and loving girlfriend (or wife, I don't know of their current status TBH), a daughter with her, he's a model, a fitness trainer, and it hasn't stopped him.
In fact, I remember seeing a girl with the same condition in York railway station and she was talking about her boyfriend. Rather than thinking 'If even he/she can get it, then what does that say about me?' perhaps consider thinking 'If he/she can then so can I!' - just a thought!
If you're an "incel" and reading this now, and you're NOT like the above description (or even if you are), take my advice.
Get out of the incel community.
Get away from a group that's just bound to drag you down. It's not going to improve your love life. But don't waste time beating yourself up for having been a member of the group, that won't help you either. The most important thing is that you're changing your life and yourself for the better.
Learn to love yourself, get some decent clothes and take care of your appearance. Maybe start getting some exercise if you don't do so already, it'll improve your appearance and your physical and mental health. And if you don't have the body of a Chippendale stripper, so what? Women don't care that much about that, not as much as men. And don't beat yourself up for being a virgin or whatever, if your partner is worth their time they won't care - something to bear in mind about her as well, who cares if she isn't a virgin?
If you haven't got a job, start trying to find one. Keep looking for something suitable to your skills and abilities, preferably not one with unsociable hours (I'd recommend avoiding call centres, they're horrible).
Get out and get some hobbies, not just gaming or computery-box internet stuff, some proper activities that you enjoy doing. Who knows what that might be? I myself do a bit of grease monkey stuff, drama, and dog walking for old couples too old to walk their pooches.
Start using these activities as a chance to meet people, especially social activities where you get to meet people, especially those the same age as you, moreso if there are more women than men doing it. Why not take up yoga? There are plenty of attractive women there. Of if you're into nerd culture, why not go to a gaming convention or event? Or just go down to the gym and start chatting to those women you see there. They won't bite!
Start socialising with other people, most people aren't hostile (It's taken a lot of therapy for me to realise that, and it's still taking time to emotionally remember, but logically it's true). Get chatting to people to get used to making friends, why not make friends with a guy who's good with women? Most of them are more than likely happy to help you out (certainly more than my best mate who was as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike but that's another story).
Work on your confidence and sense of self-worth. Confidence is the most important thing you can have as a man when it comes to sex and relationships. It's easier said than done often, especially if you have depression, but it can be overcome. Women are attracted to confident men, whether they look like so-called "Chads" or not. And if you don't love yourself, other people certainly wont!
Start talking to women, practice flirting. It's OK to fuck up, you're not going to be arrested for being a rapist if you're a bit awkward by mistake, you're not going to be accused of sexual harassment, beaten up by a "Chad" or slapped or kicked in the groin. All flirting is, is basically acting interested in a woman, while being charming and not really serious. Women love it, and if they respond in a hostile way or flirt with you with a boyfriend around, you're better off without them! Don't be afraid to fail, remember what I said about confidence!
If you're going to ask her out, get to know her a bit first, rather than going from 0 to 60 in five seconds. Women like to be warmed up a bit, both socially and sexually. But when you ask, take the bull by the horns and ask. Nothing terrible will happen if you say no, she'll probably respect you more for actually asking! Besides, she might well say yes!
If you get rejected, don't blame her because she's not necessarily doing it because she hates you, rather that she's not in the mood, maybe she prefer's women, maybe you just don't click, that's OK. She's allowed to decide not to have sex or date other people, as are you to others. If you've made a mistake, learn from it, don't beat yourself up over it or overthink either, and don't hate yourself for being rejected. There's no way to guarantee rejection in dating, that's fine. Accept that, and the whole game will seem much less daunting.
If you have trouble with how to deal with women, you could even approach a sexual surrogate, they actually help men and women (because this isn't just a male problem) overcome intimacy issues. It sounds strange, but it might work!
If you're taking her on a date, don't make it a formal dinner thing or cinema unless you're both super into it, you'll be better off to do something fun. My brother for instance likes to go for hiking walks with this girl he's dating at the moment. Or visiting a tourist spot, going for a fun activity like quad biking or segway riding, whatever you feel like doing. Perhaps you could brush up on your cooking skills, girls love a guy who can cook them a nice meal!
If you're unsure about where you stand with a girl (as in if you're not sure if you should touch them or kiss them), check out her body language and facial expressions (there are plenty of articles documenting this) but if you're 100% unsure, just ask! She won't mind!
Don't forget when it comes to sex and intimacy, consent is mandatory, even if she says no at the last second - in which case, just make her feel comfortable and don't pressure her. She might decide she wants to after all, but even if she doesn't don't worry. Just enjoy doing whatever you've already been doing. But forcing someone else into sexual activity is abuse and an offence.
And when it comes to sex, make sure you focus your mind on getting her off rather than yourself, because then you'll really make her feel amazing. Don't just concentrate on her boobs and arse, try exploring other parts of her body. (Also don't try and make your trouser snake do all the work, use everything else, and she'll return the favour.)
If you have a one night stand with a girl, why not walk her home? Especially if it's dark outside. Even if it's only a one off, she'll remember you for that, even if you've not been great in bed. (If you are, she'll probably remember you VERY fondly!)
Don't beat yourself up over your mistakes or waste time dwelling on the past when people have hurt you, that's not going to get you anywhere (again, something I've had to learn).
If you have mental issues, especially ones that make you want to harm people, for goodness' sake find some help! I've had mental issues myself (more based on self-loathing rather than wanting to hurt people). There is help out there for you, and if you work at it and really put in a year's worth of effort, you can see a marked difference. It won't happen instantly, but keep at it and it will. It's working for me, and I hate to break it to you, but if you want to change all of this, there's no alternative.
But for any of you who've mocked other people's suffering or wished harm on innocent people just because of your issues in trying to get your rocks off, you need to take a good long look at yourselves.
(You've got a point about pickup artists being scammers though!)
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
(QUICK NOTE: I have heard that there's a female counterpart to the incels, but I don't know much about them.)
*This isn't a literal suggestion, but a joke. Josef Fritzl is actually my least favourite human being on the planet.
**My quotation marks.
***I'm not sure which one he's referring to, but I'll post it if I find out.
Dear Readers
Bear with me, this is going to be a long one, and quite a grotty subject. Brace yourselves.
Sexual frustration. It's a problem that no man has ever completely avoided throughout his life, not even Russell Brand has managed to avoid it. And if we're completely honest neither do women, and other folks. It's something we all deal with, and it's not exactly something that can be magicked away, but nor is it a permanent problem that nobody can change.
For my own situation, I've had difficulties with women, because my own learning was scrambled. First by mixed messages through media telling me that having sexual interest in women was "creepy" and "shallow", second by my abusive experiences, and being told that "girls are allowed to hit boys but boys aren't allowed to hit girls". (This scared me so much at the age of 12, I would repeatedly slap my own face to toughen myself up, because I thought that most guys were supposed to not feel a thing when a woman did it.)
And on top of this, there was the trauma of being actually sexually assaulted by a girl.
This has made me scared to approach women, not just for the sake of fear of rejection, but fearing my own safety. Fearing being assaulted, verbally abused, or molested coupled with a genuine terror of intimacy (which on one occasion I kissed a girl, I had a panic attack afterwards), and discomfort about my own sexual desires despite wanting to explore them, really makes it colossally hard to enjoy intimacy with someone.
Finding advice on the internet, is of course, a bit of a mine field, so it's been hard to find reliable information. In addition, whenever I've been rejected by a woman, I've not just been disappointed, but even ashamed of myself.
Sounds crazy, right?
Happily, I'm making steps to turn this all around, but it involves sorting myself out. As opposed to being an incel, I've decided to opt out of any attempts to interest women until I've got myself in a better and happier place. Getting a job, getting my university course started, enjoying a few activities to try and help other people and get used to interacting with others (because let's face it, one can get rather reclusive if stuck in the house all day). Hard work and patience I think will pay off in the end.
However, some folks out there don't respond to sexual frustration positively, to say the least. Some of these guys even have less issues than folks like me, and react to not just sexual frustration, but a seeming chronic inability to get laid (which I'm fortunate enough to not have since I've had a couple of mutually respectful sexual partners in my time) or get a partner based on delusion, and what I can only describe as madness.
We're talking about the dreaded 'Black Pill'.
(Interestingly, I was called an 'incel' by some oxygen thieving troll, but that's trolling for you, he also called me a 'cuck' whatever that means.)
I only became recently aware of the 'incel' community online (that's short for 'Involuntary Celibate'), They believe that women will only ever sleep with (or go out with) 'Alphas', i.e. strong and confident men. When they mean that, they also mean men with torsos like an egg box who look like they should be on the front of an Abercrombie and Fitch magazine (though they never quite explain who plenty of ordinary looking men have wives and girlfriends, sometimes even stunningly attractive ones).
They seem to categorise other men being 'Betas', those who're slightly submissive but can still get laid or get a girlfriend (I'm probably like this a bit myself), and 'Omegas' who can't even say hello to a woman (which most incels seem to be). The men that they most hate are 'Chads', who they describe as men who are the most confident and have ease with hooking up with or dating women they find attractive. There's a hell of a lot of what I unscientifically call 'Kaiser Wilhelm syndrome' (the last German Kaiser who hated the British, but also admired the British and wanted to be like them), they can't stand these guys, but they want to be just like them.
When it comes to categorising women, hoo boy! Have I got some misogyny here for you!
'Stacy' is a term that they use to describe women who're the most attractive, and most incels hate, but really want to sleep with. Those women who've slept with a lot of men, they call 'Roasties' because...well it's not hard to figure out, and I feel a bit unclean even thinking about typing it out.
One might say, 'So what? So some idiots on the internet are being idiots, who cares? There are loads of weirdos out there, what's the big deal about these guys? They're offensive and disgusting, but they're not going to do any harm are they?' Well, no. Except...
Probably the most notorious example of this movement was Elliot Rodger and the Isla Vista killings he carried out before committing suicide. For those who don't know, in 2014 a young man called Elliot Rodger armed himself with two pistols and two knives, and attacked a large number of people (men and women) before he was found by the police having shot himself. A lot of third wavers predictably started going on about the 'patriarchy', laughably claimed that 'ALL men have a sense of entitlement to sex' and started their stupid 'motallmen' hashtag, but third wavers like that are generally as loathesome as the incel community, just in a different way (an apt comparison would be dumb and dumber to be honest).
The first most obvious thing that sprang out on me was Elliot Rodger was suffering from some serious mental health issues (not that all mental health sufferers succumb to this level of derangement).
'I started walking along the shore, taking in the magnificence of the gentle, moonlit ocean. It was so...romantic. I kept walking and walking with no destination in mind. The romance of it all filled me with despair and longing. I wanted a girlfriend to experience that moment with me, but no girl wanted to be my girlfriend. The only think I could do was imagine how heavenly it would be to have a beautiful girl my my side. It is such a shameful tragedy...I ended up walking for two hours, and at the end of it I was crying to myself because I felt so sad.'
So far so normal, right? Many normal guys have had this problem themselves. God knows, I've felt like that myself in the past, but usually coupled with the fear of being hurt again. However, this guy took it to a whole new level.
At some level, I liken it to a dog not being socialised, if it becomes too isolated from people and other dogs, it becomes aggressive, defensive, even dangerous. Here's an excellent Ted talk that goes into greater detail than I can.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0hxl03JoA0
To some degree, Rodger is said to have never had many friends, and was obsessed with status. Having said all of that, it's not necessarily as if friends didn't try, but apparently he wasn't interested in listening, or putting in the legwork to socialise with others.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2642748/EXCLUSIVE-I-believe-I-friends-psycho-mass-murderer-Virgin-Killers-best-friend-speaks-reveals-warned-Elliot-Rodgers-mother-disturbing-Facebook-post-months-ago.html
The second apparent problem is that Rodger also had some severe personality issues that he needed to straighten out himself.
'I needed a girl's love. I needed to feel worthy as a male. For so long I have felt worthless.'
'Jealousy and envy...those are the two feelings that would dominate my entire life and bring me immense pain.'
'I passed by a girl I thought was pretty and said "Hi" as we neared each other. She kept on walking and didn't even have the grace to respond to me. How dare she! That foul bitch. I felt so humiliated that I went to one of the school bathrooms, locked myself in a toilet stall, and cried for an hour.'
All in all, Rodger could well have straightened out his life, but instead he chose to throw it all away and rob others of theirs in what can only be described as a tragic waste and folly.
I'm not 100% sure if Rodger himself was a member of the 'Incel' community, but what's really disturbing about the 'Incel' movement is that they think that Rodger was an example to follow! They even refer to him as the 'Supreme Gentleman' for crying out loud!
Disturbingly, some have even followed his example, such as Alek Minassian, who killed 10 and injured 16 in Toronto, ramming them with his truck.
'Private (Recruit) Minassian Infantry 00010, wishing to speak to Sgt 4chan please. C23249161. The Incel rebellion has already begun! We will overthrow all the Chads and the Stacys! All hail the supreme gentleman, Elliot Rodger!'
As if that's going to change your luck with women, sunshine.
Of course, don't just take my word for this bizarre and disturbing community, in fact I'll let them say so in their own words.
Some are just more like this guy, an issue that I doubt is exclusive to the 'incel' community. Here he describes feeling inferior to a friend of his.
'First seeing him with his GF, then listening to him talk to his normal close-knit family, and even his very essence of self-assuredness. He is a better human being in every way.'
OK this guy has my sympathy. If you're like him (and I've felt like this in the past, particularly before therapy), then I suggest maybe talking to him, trying to learn a few things from him, and don't beat yourself up over your perceived flaws, they're probably not as bad as you think.
'Being an incel is a suffering not even Stalin could inflict on his worst enemies.'
No, because they'd have to do it to themselves. All you have to do is ditch inceldom and put the work in to turn your life around.
'GUYS WITH GFs DO NOT DESERVE THEM!'
How so?
'They did nothing to deserve pussy. They did not risk their health lifting weights, they did not test their will doing NoFap.'
You do these for yourself, not for this rubbish! If you think that suddenly the world and any women you want is obliged to give you a bit of rumpy pumpy because you lifted a few heavy things, then your sense of reality has taken a serious walk off the map! The funny thing I find is, that when I've experienced third wave feminists spuriously claiming that men who want sex feel they are 'entitled' or 'owed' sex and thus all men have a 'sense of entitlement' - bizarre considering that wanting (consensual) sex is perfectly frigging normal for any adult - they would be bang on the money if they were talking about the incel community, who seem to be deluded to all hell.
'And to the little Asian boy you probably had to strive for so long to finally get a white woman to notice you. And the girl you're making out with isn't even that hot she looks like a feminist harpy with badly colored hair. So yeah, keep making out with that white woman, know that it won't fucking last.'
I've always found racism to be rather creepy, but this is as bizarre as it comes.
'A prostitute is the same thing as a girlfriend. You end up spending your hard-earned money in a gynocentric society (meaning it was twice as hard to make as a man) and then spend a large portion of that on a female who merely 'tolerates' you, but will spread her legs for Chad the minute she drinks a little bit of alcohol.
Because no man has ever cheated on his wife or girlfriend, right?
'I usually go when no one is at the gym. Slender young white girls in tight yoga pants are everywhere...these femoids are everywhere, doing their squats. They are trying to mock me by showing their assets and flaunting them. Women are pure evil and seek my destruction...Do they love inflicting harm on ugly brown men, by flaunting something I will never have? Women are pure cold-blooded evil.
Dude, they're exercising, they probably didn't even notice you. You need to get help. Or just wise up.
'Was there such a thing as the friendzone before the welfare state?'
What the nelly has the welfare state got to do with anything? Ever heard of something called logic?
'I have devoted every single second of my life into getting a GF yet bitches won't talk to me.'
Bit of a mystery why, ain't it?
'Am I doing the right thing? I like to find young girl vloggers and tell them that they're ugly and trash.'
Short answer, no. Long answer, no, non, nein, nyet, nee, na, nei, geen, jo, yox, uimh, hayi, kare, and every other language variant of no.
'Attractive 24 year old female co-worker has two tickets to go to a haunted house, she asked some male co-workers to go with her, WE ALL DECLINED! With all the blue pill white knight cucks around, I'm surprised she didn't find one guy here to take her up on the offer.'
Followed by a thread on 'how to overcome loneliness'.
' I don't want to find a non-virgin woman.'
Why? Never occurred to you that first time sex - take it from someone who knows - is actually pretty awkward and weird, and totally overrated, it's not like in a porno.
'Today I saw a woman crying her eyes out and almost couldn't control my laughter.'
You're just like those horrible 'male tearz' women, you scumbag.
But here are the worst ones. A lot of incels don't necessarily go this far, but just content themselves with moaning about their situation and doing bugger all about it. However, there is a presence who most definitely cross the line and keep going. Trigger warning for racism, sexism, misogyny, misandry, paedophilia references, sexual assault references, incest references, and domestic violence and abuse references.
'I'm about to get a roastie from my job sacked. She's just too ugly to work there and I don't like her. I tell my boss every day how useless she is and he said that he might sack her. I know I'm a rat bastard but I don't care.'
And if she was a stunner you would hate her for not having sex with you, so it's not like the poor woman can win, can she? You misogynistic creep.
'I calmly told [my female friend] that in return for everything I've done for her I deserve a blowjob, or at least a handjob.'
And then he pulled his pants down. (I wish I was making that up!)
'If you think women are people, you're ISIS.'
Maybe you might want to clue yourself into what the news has been reporting what ISIS has been up to, which includes mass rape, you damned fool.
'How do fathers with hot daughters/sisters cope?'
You wot?
'Imagine living in a house with a prime teen girl. Seeing her walk around in her underwear, hear her taking a shower, watching her getting dressed. It takes an insane amount of willpower to get over the fact that you will never bang her.'
I dunno, why don't you ask that nice Mr Fritzl on how to cope with it?*
'I don't hate blacks for being black, and it's not really their fault they're so violent, stupid and aggressive.'
What's this abhorrent racism got to do with your inability to get laid? OK, probably a lot, but still, why are you bringing it up in the first place?
'We need a constitutional amendment forcing attractive virgin females to have sex with incels.'
So it looks like sex slavery is the answer? And rape. Disgusting.
'12 isn't really prepubescent, by that age girls are already quite far into their development of secondary stage sex characteristics.
The guy later says anyone not attracted to 12 year old girls is gay. Sounds like NAMbLA has a new recruit! (If that's true, I'm glad to be 'gay'!)
'Females deserve to be holocausted.'
Laying aside the revolting approval of gendercide (a real term) and the riding of the coattails of the slaughter of the Holocaust, I have no words to respond to this.
'I groped and rubbed my dick against a woman on the bus home.'
This isn't dancing in a club, that's sexual assault, and you should be ashamed for having done that.
'What would your perfect girlfriend be like? Here's mine. Under 18 years old, accept once in a while being beaten (I have anger issues).
So you want a girl who says; 'You know what turns me on? Paedophiles and men who beat their wives! Mmmm!' Might have a bit of trouble finding that you gross troll.
Anyone who may be triggered by these subject matters or suffers from mental health issues, or is just vulnerable for some other reason, stay away from the incel community. It's horrid if you're their target, and if you have the same problem as they do, they're not going to help you, just make you feel miserable and waste your time.
But while I've ragged on the incels through most of this blog post by now, I'm not going to just content myself with kicking them down to make myself feel proud, because how's that going to achieve anything? So I'm going to address them directly, and instead offer a bit of a kick up the arse and also try and help them.
Look, for any incels reading this, being sexually frustrated is quite common, a lot of men, and even a lot of women have it too. But this? Suggesting killing women for not wanting to sleep with you? Do you actually believe that this nonsense is in any way going to work for you? The misogyny towards women who won't date you won't make you any more attractive, nor the misandry towards men who can actually get sex. And some of the things being quoted here are endorsing horrible, criminal, disgusting, abusive, hateful, or just downright horrid behaviour! (If you're an incel and don't say/do any of these things, do you really want to hang out with people who are like this?)
The world doesn't owe you sex or relationships, it won't just hand it to you on a silver platter, you've got to get out there yourself and look for it. I can't do it for you. You can't expect something for nothing, not in this world, and not when it comes to sex and relationships. And in addition, feeling that because you've done something "nice" in order to get laid and feel short changed because you haven't even got a handjob out of it, sorry but that's not how it works. If she's not attracted to you, she doesn't want to sleep with you, and if she doesn't want to sleep with you, she doesn't have to. And failing to realise this is hardly what anyone finds attractive in a partner. (My own abuser had this attitude after I rejected her, I haven't forgiven her for what she did next. Do you really want to go where she did and get her to hate you for trying to jump her? I don't think so somehow.)
I'll admit, I've had my issues with the opposite sex, sometimes been angry at women after my experiences of abuse - when being sexually assaulted it's pretty common and understandable among both men and women to have this feeling, I call it 'red eye moments' and they're based on fear and pain.
However, even at my worst, I've NEVER dreamed of killing women or anyone for that matter, certainly never for not wanting to sleep with me! Having been actually sexually assaulted, and having asperger's syndrome, I'm at a slight disadvantage, but I've had it a LOT worse than most of you incel types and I'm appalled at what I'm seeing. In fact, I find it quite annoying that despite having gone through less, a lot of you cross the line in some truly shocking ways. This is honestly on the same level as those in the third wave feminists who say that all men are deserving of hatred and contempt because some are abusers.
Fortunately, for those people messed up, misguided or crazy enough to be in the so-called 'incel' community, I have a way out (and no, going 'Oh but I did that it's too hard' is NOT an excuse and probably just an outright lie). But don't take my word for it, this is coming straight from some in the 'incel' community who've seen the light and finally woken up to some sense:
1) 'Shouldn't we be encouraging each other? Something I've noticed from being on this site is that whenever someone tries to make an effort to improve themselves (like gymcelling) to get a gf, people try to put them down to make sure they don't achieve anything. Wouldn't it be more productive to wish people good luck with their goals to get laid? Also shouldn't we congratulate those who do finally ascend? Just something I don't understand much.'
2) 'Is a fat fuck, start going to the gym trying to do something to get my life back on track, start doing cardio because I'm too intimidated to lift weights, finally like 3am when I thought no one was around, I go over to try and squat. Try an empty bar since I've only done body weight squats before. Wild "Chad"** comes out of nowhere, "Hey bro, let me help you out". Takes an hour out of his night to show me a few lifts, tells me when he's here and that he's always happy to help. Keep bumping into Chad when working out, he's always helpful and nice to me. He keeps trying to get me over to his place for Beer Pong, keep thinking it's gonna be like Carrie, but finally go, Chad and all his friends are nice as hell. Ended up getting a date with some chick that was there, got laid for the first time in years.'
3) 'Today at the pool I saw something that rattled my beliefs about relationships and psychology. This fat dude was chillin in the pool with what I can only assume was his GF because of how they kept physically touching each other and how close they were to each other. They also looked like they were having the time of their lives. I saw genuine joy in both of their faces. They both looked to be about in their early 20s, so this kinda disproves that she was using him as a beta male provider because women usually turn to them once they're old, used and worn out. I thought hot women in their 20s only pursued Chad cock? IDK what to believe anymore. I look at myself, a guy with a good build, and good muscle, with a 6/10 face, (although I'm 5'7'') and I wonder why this fat dude has this beautiful girl while I've never even hugged a girl before. Maybe, just maybe a funny personality and confidence is what made this guy get this girl? I'm kind of at a loss
4) 'Don't know if you guys hear this a lot, but subs like /r/justneckbeardthings, r/niceguys, and this one*** made me realise my point of view about women was just straight up wrong (I'm 17) I mean I used to agree with a lot of things being said on r/incels, that's how bad it was. I used to be addicted to gaming and depressed (I still am a little bit) but I learned I had to improve myself and love myself if I wanted someone to love me back. So I just wanted to say thank you for steering me in the right direction. Thanks for the support and the advice, it means a lot...the tremendous amount of support has made me even more motivated to live a happy life and make other people happy.'
5) 'You're such fucking liars. Asked out a girl today, and she said yes. Not just any girl, but one I hoped may have at least some of the same interests as mine and my same mindset. She said yes and also smiled. So fuckin happy today.. You made me think I need to look like a fuckin Calvin Klein model for a girl to talk to me yeah go fuck yourself dumb fucks. At best, if I looksmax, I'm average. So as for that, yeah, you're just full of shit thinking you should be 10/10 for a girl to love you. Taking her to a national park tomorrow night. And I don't care if I don't "recreate" or whatever the fuck it is, at least I have finally found someone.'
If you STILL don't believe me, look up Jono Lancaster, a fellow with 'treacher collins syndrome' that results in facial deformities, and yet he has a beautiful and loving girlfriend (or wife, I don't know of their current status TBH), a daughter with her, he's a model, a fitness trainer, and it hasn't stopped him.
In fact, I remember seeing a girl with the same condition in York railway station and she was talking about her boyfriend. Rather than thinking 'If even he/she can get it, then what does that say about me?' perhaps consider thinking 'If he/she can then so can I!' - just a thought!
If you're an "incel" and reading this now, and you're NOT like the above description (or even if you are), take my advice.
Get out of the incel community.
Get away from a group that's just bound to drag you down. It's not going to improve your love life. But don't waste time beating yourself up for having been a member of the group, that won't help you either. The most important thing is that you're changing your life and yourself for the better.
Learn to love yourself, get some decent clothes and take care of your appearance. Maybe start getting some exercise if you don't do so already, it'll improve your appearance and your physical and mental health. And if you don't have the body of a Chippendale stripper, so what? Women don't care that much about that, not as much as men. And don't beat yourself up for being a virgin or whatever, if your partner is worth their time they won't care - something to bear in mind about her as well, who cares if she isn't a virgin?
If you haven't got a job, start trying to find one. Keep looking for something suitable to your skills and abilities, preferably not one with unsociable hours (I'd recommend avoiding call centres, they're horrible).
Get out and get some hobbies, not just gaming or computery-box internet stuff, some proper activities that you enjoy doing. Who knows what that might be? I myself do a bit of grease monkey stuff, drama, and dog walking for old couples too old to walk their pooches.
Start using these activities as a chance to meet people, especially social activities where you get to meet people, especially those the same age as you, moreso if there are more women than men doing it. Why not take up yoga? There are plenty of attractive women there. Of if you're into nerd culture, why not go to a gaming convention or event? Or just go down to the gym and start chatting to those women you see there. They won't bite!
Start socialising with other people, most people aren't hostile (It's taken a lot of therapy for me to realise that, and it's still taking time to emotionally remember, but logically it's true). Get chatting to people to get used to making friends, why not make friends with a guy who's good with women? Most of them are more than likely happy to help you out (certainly more than my best mate who was as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike but that's another story).
Work on your confidence and sense of self-worth. Confidence is the most important thing you can have as a man when it comes to sex and relationships. It's easier said than done often, especially if you have depression, but it can be overcome. Women are attracted to confident men, whether they look like so-called "Chads" or not. And if you don't love yourself, other people certainly wont!
Start talking to women, practice flirting. It's OK to fuck up, you're not going to be arrested for being a rapist if you're a bit awkward by mistake, you're not going to be accused of sexual harassment, beaten up by a "Chad" or slapped or kicked in the groin. All flirting is, is basically acting interested in a woman, while being charming and not really serious. Women love it, and if they respond in a hostile way or flirt with you with a boyfriend around, you're better off without them! Don't be afraid to fail, remember what I said about confidence!
If you're going to ask her out, get to know her a bit first, rather than going from 0 to 60 in five seconds. Women like to be warmed up a bit, both socially and sexually. But when you ask, take the bull by the horns and ask. Nothing terrible will happen if you say no, she'll probably respect you more for actually asking! Besides, she might well say yes!
If you get rejected, don't blame her because she's not necessarily doing it because she hates you, rather that she's not in the mood, maybe she prefer's women, maybe you just don't click, that's OK. She's allowed to decide not to have sex or date other people, as are you to others. If you've made a mistake, learn from it, don't beat yourself up over it or overthink either, and don't hate yourself for being rejected. There's no way to guarantee rejection in dating, that's fine. Accept that, and the whole game will seem much less daunting.
If you have trouble with how to deal with women, you could even approach a sexual surrogate, they actually help men and women (because this isn't just a male problem) overcome intimacy issues. It sounds strange, but it might work!
If you're taking her on a date, don't make it a formal dinner thing or cinema unless you're both super into it, you'll be better off to do something fun. My brother for instance likes to go for hiking walks with this girl he's dating at the moment. Or visiting a tourist spot, going for a fun activity like quad biking or segway riding, whatever you feel like doing. Perhaps you could brush up on your cooking skills, girls love a guy who can cook them a nice meal!
If you're unsure about where you stand with a girl (as in if you're not sure if you should touch them or kiss them), check out her body language and facial expressions (there are plenty of articles documenting this) but if you're 100% unsure, just ask! She won't mind!
Don't forget when it comes to sex and intimacy, consent is mandatory, even if she says no at the last second - in which case, just make her feel comfortable and don't pressure her. She might decide she wants to after all, but even if she doesn't don't worry. Just enjoy doing whatever you've already been doing. But forcing someone else into sexual activity is abuse and an offence.
And when it comes to sex, make sure you focus your mind on getting her off rather than yourself, because then you'll really make her feel amazing. Don't just concentrate on her boobs and arse, try exploring other parts of her body. (Also don't try and make your trouser snake do all the work, use everything else, and she'll return the favour.)
If you have a one night stand with a girl, why not walk her home? Especially if it's dark outside. Even if it's only a one off, she'll remember you for that, even if you've not been great in bed. (If you are, she'll probably remember you VERY fondly!)
Don't beat yourself up over your mistakes or waste time dwelling on the past when people have hurt you, that's not going to get you anywhere (again, something I've had to learn).
If you have mental issues, especially ones that make you want to harm people, for goodness' sake find some help! I've had mental issues myself (more based on self-loathing rather than wanting to hurt people). There is help out there for you, and if you work at it and really put in a year's worth of effort, you can see a marked difference. It won't happen instantly, but keep at it and it will. It's working for me, and I hate to break it to you, but if you want to change all of this, there's no alternative.
But for any of you who've mocked other people's suffering or wished harm on innocent people just because of your issues in trying to get your rocks off, you need to take a good long look at yourselves.
(You've got a point about pickup artists being scammers though!)
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
(QUICK NOTE: I have heard that there's a female counterpart to the incels, but I don't know much about them.)
*This isn't a literal suggestion, but a joke. Josef Fritzl is actually my least favourite human being on the planet.
**My quotation marks.
***I'm not sure which one he's referring to, but I'll post it if I find out.
Tuesday, July 30, 2019
ON SUICIDE
Dear Readers,
To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them:
PRINCE HAMLET, HAMLET, ACT III SCENE I
The above quote is from the Shakespeare play 'Hamlet' and it is probably the most famous monologue in all of his works. Here, Hamlet, a young man, is contemplating suicide and escaping from the pain and strife he's facing in the course of the play through death, but of course being a Christian he fears being sent straight to hell for suicide.
Now, I'm going to go into another personal story that deals with suicide. Please brace yourself, and there are trigger warnings in regards to suicide, and self harm.
When I was about 20 years old, I was at my kitchen table doing some work. I'd been rejected from every higher education institute I'd applied to, and was taking stock. It was at that moment that my brother came in and gave me some terrible news.
A friend of ours from school had committed suicide.
I remember being shocked and stunned, and actually saying 'I don't believe it!' twice. My parents were stunned, and my mother immediately was reduced to tears. As it turned out, my friend had suffered from depression, unbeknown to his parents. He'd written a suicide note the night before, and while his parents had been out shopping, he'd taken a shotgun he'd kept somewhere on their farm to a field nearby, taken off his shoes, pulled the trigger with his toes and shot himself.
I can't imagine what that must've been like to come back to.
We attended his funeral a few days later, and it seemed as if there almost wasn't a dry eye in the church, and when my friend's coffin was brought in I just wanted to run away.
The wake was pleasant however, and I decided to regale a few of my old school friends with some of the happier memories of our departed friend, of how he made fun of me when I clumsily drove a farming buggy straight into a bush. Of course, over the next few days, as well as my own personal struggle, I was in bits over the death of my friend.
It still hurts that I'd seen attended the funeral of a school friend of mine before I'd ever gone to my first family funeral five years later, that of my uncle, who'd been suffering with dementia six years prior.
In the long run, I can understand why a young man might commit suicide. We live in a society that tells us that if we break down we're 'weak', even those who say they oppose this will still shame us for being ill (e.g. "Man flu"), or dismiss any discussion of our issues as "misogyny" and minimises them.
Ultimately, when it comes to speaking out, one doesn't know whether the person of people listening will turn on us, either shaming us as "weak beta male", or "women have it worse shut up it's not systemic". And at the end of the day, resources for us are unfortunately severely limited, so we're low on options as to where to turn to.
I've had suicidal thoughts myself in the past. Sometimes they were thoughts that 'I can't live with this pain any more, I want to get out' as a way of saying anything to release myself from this pain. Sometimes I would Sometimes these thoughts weren't of me blatantly deciding to end my life, but I would - no word of a lie - fantasise in school, and in college, about someone shooting me in the head, to end the feelings of self hatred, depression, shame, and guilt that I didn't understand. I was begging for a quick, clean death, but never wanted to deliver it myself.
But the biggest reason I never followed through with my suicidal thoughts? Because like Hamlet, I feared that death was worse, not because I believe in Hell (I'm an atheist) but because I know that you don't get a second chance with this life. If you end it, that's it. No going back.
If you don't feel that you can speak to your family or friends, speak to one of the hotlines below. There are people who can help you, who will listen to you without judgement. My main go-to is 'Samaritans' without whom I probably wouldn't be alive today. As I like to say, while others reach for a gun, I reach for a phone.
Depression is a huge problem, including for abuse survivors. At the moment I'm on antidepressants, so I know what it's like. And suicidal thoughts can happen for a number of reasons, but here's a few little titbits of advice that I hope can help.
Take regular exercise. The term "blow the cobwebs away" applies to depression, and other thoughts, which help you clear your mind. Even a short jog can make a world of difference to your mental well being.
Make sure you eat well, healthy food as much as you can. It makes a huge difference not just to your physical health, but mental as well. Try and avoid too many foods heavy with fat and sugar.
Talk to family and friends, find someone you can trust. If you don't feel you can, speak to your doctor, try and get therapy. If you're lucky enough to have a national health service like me, you might be able to get it on recommendation from your doctor.
And for those out there who are guilty of this, don't waste time by saying that male suicide is "male violence directed at itself" because of two reasons.
1) There is no evidence that male suicide victims have a track record of violence.
2) It's kicking suicidal and potential suicidal men when they're still down.
Jimmy wouldn't have hurt a fly.
Farewell Jimmy. I haven't forgotten you.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
(SUICIDE RESOURCES
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/
https://www.sprc.org/
https://wellbeing.bitc.org.uk/all-resources/toolkits/suicide-prevention-toolkit
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/suicide-resource-guide#1
https://afsp.org/find-support/resources/
https://www.nspa.org.uk/
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/index.shtml
https://themighty.com/suicide-prevention-resources/
To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them:
PRINCE HAMLET, HAMLET, ACT III SCENE I
The above quote is from the Shakespeare play 'Hamlet' and it is probably the most famous monologue in all of his works. Here, Hamlet, a young man, is contemplating suicide and escaping from the pain and strife he's facing in the course of the play through death, but of course being a Christian he fears being sent straight to hell for suicide.
Now, I'm going to go into another personal story that deals with suicide. Please brace yourself, and there are trigger warnings in regards to suicide, and self harm.
When I was about 20 years old, I was at my kitchen table doing some work. I'd been rejected from every higher education institute I'd applied to, and was taking stock. It was at that moment that my brother came in and gave me some terrible news.
A friend of ours from school had committed suicide.
I remember being shocked and stunned, and actually saying 'I don't believe it!' twice. My parents were stunned, and my mother immediately was reduced to tears. As it turned out, my friend had suffered from depression, unbeknown to his parents. He'd written a suicide note the night before, and while his parents had been out shopping, he'd taken a shotgun he'd kept somewhere on their farm to a field nearby, taken off his shoes, pulled the trigger with his toes and shot himself.
I can't imagine what that must've been like to come back to.
We attended his funeral a few days later, and it seemed as if there almost wasn't a dry eye in the church, and when my friend's coffin was brought in I just wanted to run away.
The wake was pleasant however, and I decided to regale a few of my old school friends with some of the happier memories of our departed friend, of how he made fun of me when I clumsily drove a farming buggy straight into a bush. Of course, over the next few days, as well as my own personal struggle, I was in bits over the death of my friend.
It still hurts that I'd seen attended the funeral of a school friend of mine before I'd ever gone to my first family funeral five years later, that of my uncle, who'd been suffering with dementia six years prior.
In the long run, I can understand why a young man might commit suicide. We live in a society that tells us that if we break down we're 'weak', even those who say they oppose this will still shame us for being ill (e.g. "Man flu"), or dismiss any discussion of our issues as "misogyny" and minimises them.
Ultimately, when it comes to speaking out, one doesn't know whether the person of people listening will turn on us, either shaming us as "weak beta male", or "women have it worse shut up it's not systemic". And at the end of the day, resources for us are unfortunately severely limited, so we're low on options as to where to turn to.
I've had suicidal thoughts myself in the past. Sometimes they were thoughts that 'I can't live with this pain any more, I want to get out' as a way of saying anything to release myself from this pain. Sometimes I would Sometimes these thoughts weren't of me blatantly deciding to end my life, but I would - no word of a lie - fantasise in school, and in college, about someone shooting me in the head, to end the feelings of self hatred, depression, shame, and guilt that I didn't understand. I was begging for a quick, clean death, but never wanted to deliver it myself.
But the biggest reason I never followed through with my suicidal thoughts? Because like Hamlet, I feared that death was worse, not because I believe in Hell (I'm an atheist) but because I know that you don't get a second chance with this life. If you end it, that's it. No going back.
If you don't feel that you can speak to your family or friends, speak to one of the hotlines below. There are people who can help you, who will listen to you without judgement. My main go-to is 'Samaritans' without whom I probably wouldn't be alive today. As I like to say, while others reach for a gun, I reach for a phone.
Depression is a huge problem, including for abuse survivors. At the moment I'm on antidepressants, so I know what it's like. And suicidal thoughts can happen for a number of reasons, but here's a few little titbits of advice that I hope can help.
Take regular exercise. The term "blow the cobwebs away" applies to depression, and other thoughts, which help you clear your mind. Even a short jog can make a world of difference to your mental well being.
Make sure you eat well, healthy food as much as you can. It makes a huge difference not just to your physical health, but mental as well. Try and avoid too many foods heavy with fat and sugar.
Talk to family and friends, find someone you can trust. If you don't feel you can, speak to your doctor, try and get therapy. If you're lucky enough to have a national health service like me, you might be able to get it on recommendation from your doctor.
And for those out there who are guilty of this, don't waste time by saying that male suicide is "male violence directed at itself" because of two reasons.
1) There is no evidence that male suicide victims have a track record of violence.
2) It's kicking suicidal and potential suicidal men when they're still down.
Jimmy wouldn't have hurt a fly.
Farewell Jimmy. I haven't forgotten you.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
(SUICIDE RESOURCES
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/
https://www.sprc.org/
https://wellbeing.bitc.org.uk/all-resources/toolkits/suicide-prevention-toolkit
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/suicide-resource-guide#1
https://afsp.org/find-support/resources/
https://www.nspa.org.uk/
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/index.shtml
https://themighty.com/suicide-prevention-resources/
Sunday, June 30, 2019
I SHALL WEAR MY HEART UPON MY SLEEVE FOR DAWS TO PECK AT
*TRIGGER WARNING FOR VICTIM-BLAMING AND RAPE APOLOGISM*
Dear Readers,
Today I'm going to start with a little Shakespeare to get into the meat of the article today. He's one of my favourite writers, and I've been lucky enough to get to grips with his work beyond the dull and tired environment of the schoolroom.
'Were I the Moor I would not be Iago.
In following him I follow but myself;
Heaven is my judge, not I for love and duty,
But seeming so for my peculiar end.
For when my outward action doth demonstrate
The Native act and figure of my heart
In compliment extern, 'tis not long after
But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at. I am not what I am.
Iago, Othello. Act 1, Scene 1, lines 57-65.
Here he explains that the day he demonstrates his most inward feelings and goals is the day that he becomes vulnerable to the outside world, open to attack. He regards people who are open about their feelings as foolish and stupid, leaving them easy prey for those who would wish to target them. All of this while he plots against Othello and tries to bring him down through psychological manipulation.
And when it comes to concealing your emotions? Yeah, I sometimes think that he's got a point.
A lot of the articles about male victims involve telling us that we don't speak out or report because "societal ideas about masculinity tell them that it's wrong to be weak and vulnerable or to show emotions" and while there's a certain truth to this, there are a few problems attached to it.
The first problem is that it's such a meaningless phrase. If no man ever expressed any emotions, there would be next to no art, architecture, music, theatre, sport, or anything. In fact, stoicism is a fairly recent thing that was much less present in the 17th Century. The context that those who make these claims is on the grounds of "crying" think that if male victims of abuse only wept like women do, everything would go fine for us because "society caters to men's needs".
The second problem is that this disclaimer is presented as the ONLY problem faced by male survivors. It's not presented as a section of the bigger picture, where male survivors face stigma of being not believed, of being blamed for their attacks, e.g:
"Why didn't you fight him/her off?"
"You must've wanted it, you had an erection!"
"Women only do that in self-defence, your accusations are misogynist!"
Or worst of all, of being accused of being a potential abuser on the grounds of having been abused themselves. There's no desire to empower male survivors here whatsoever, just a desire to protect female abuse victims for fear that the big nasty male abusers will come out of vampire syndrome and hurt women because they won't express their emotions (cry).
The third problem is this. OK, male survivors "express our emotions". What next? Perhaps our problems go away as they seem to suggest. Perhaps then we're back to normal. Perhaps we're better for it. Perhaps these same people will show us the dignity and respect due to anyone who's suffered a traumatic experience.
'Male Tears'
Or maybe not.
Do you think that as someone who cried his eyes out over being abused by a female abuser I'm going to see this as a movement to follow and trust? Something for 'progressives' to be proud of? This blatant apologism for emotional abuse is coupled with the excuse that 'you're not in fear of your life', when emotional abuse doesn't need to threaten someone's life, it can cost them their lives through self destruction or suicide anyway. It really discredits the utterly worthless argument 'men fear being laughed at by women, women fear being killed by men', and anybody who uses this argument a- especially as an excuse as to why emotional abuse is 'OK' to subject males to - deserves no respect whatsoever.
Here's a piece from nasty little hack 'Max Benwell' using identity politics to justify the stupid 'killallmen' hashtag of circa 2014, which - like the recent statement of UKIP's Carl Benjamin to Jess Phillips - cannot be regarded as a 'joke' when it even implies violence against another human being.
'If you're a white man and you've started to feel excluded or anxious that someone who isn't white or male may get preferential treatment over you, then all you're doing is experiencing the same feeling everyone else has had for centuries. So please, if someone tweets something against you like this, just let it go.
Max Benwell, The Independent, 2015.
Whoever this disgusting abuse-apologist is, add in the context of being a male survivor and forgotten about, or even victim-blamed, then this statement looks like a very ugly piece of victim-blaming indeed, especially if you add the context of the sad fate of Mark Van Dongen, who suffered an acid attack from his girlfriend, and was in such pain he had to be euthanised. Perhaps Max Benwell in his infinite wisdom can explain how important his fate was to identity politics or women's rights?
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-43823752
Another rather illuminating set of blog entries come from the early third wavers back in 2007. Granted, this was back then, but these attitudes have changed little among the intellectually incompetent third wave feminists. This was from an article by Tracie Egan Morrissey, who as far as I know, has since left the website.
https://jezebel.com/have-you-ever-beat-up-a-boyfriend-cause-uh-we-have-294383
I've left some of the worst comments below to highlight the attitude of third wave feminists to male abuse victims.
Yes, please, let's not forget the poor men who make up a whopping 15% of the domestic violence victims (nonsarcastic saide: this includes situations in which the violence is mutual, or the women used violence in response to violence), who are far less likely to be hurt by domestic violence, given the differences in size and strength between most men and women, who aren't laboring under lifetimes of oppressive gender hierarchy. I'm glad that you raised awareness of this terrible scourge so that we can convince the public that more of the ample, nay, surplus of resources that we throw at aleviating domestic violence against women can now be re-channelled to help the poor, oppressed men. Thank you. Thank you of thinking of the dudes.
Username, 'Petronella'.
Identity politics offers strength to female abuse apologists and victim blamers, and "gender norms" third wavers claim they're against (when it suits them) and this continues today. (I'm not sure how third wavers think that there's no money for male survivors in the richest countries in the world?)
*snicker* It's Okay ladies. They can just consider it payback for binding our feet, shoving our chunklet asses into corsets, leaving chick babies on mountaintops, droolin' over size 0 asses, and generally making us miserable for centuries.
Username 'Warmaiden'.
In other words, lack of historical women's rights is a good excuse for a female domestic abuser to beat up her partner? Yeah, I don't think so, sunshine.
My favourite comment however, comes from a blog called 'iblamethepatriarchy.com. To be honest, this wasn't made by the person who runs the site, rather by an anonymous commenter, but the fact is that it was tolerated by the site tells us a lot about their true colours.
'A man never deserves pity for being raped. After all, it's not like he had sex. Unless he was gay, it's just a little lesson in what it's like to be treated like an object.'
Anonymous user, iblamethepatriarchy.com, 2007
I have no words for that last one. I actually regard this as the worst piece of hatred from the disgusting third wavers in my entire life.
In this below article, the author highlights how so-called "progressives" have attempted to hamstring efforts to approve men's mental health, satisfying them with harmful and meaningless ignorance, usually nonsense about "capitalism" and "patriarchy" most notably. Most notable is what Rob says about how efforts to get men to talk more about emotions, anything else is unnecessary, or unacceptable to them. Progressives seem to labour under the entirely unjustified assumption that helping males means "men must show emotion and they'll be alright, because "patriarchy" will cater to them, (even though they say "patriarchy hurts men too" as well), and to be more like women". This doesn't address the fact that an indifferent, schizophrenic society that hates your weakness, or dismisses your self-defence or suicide as "violence".
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/talking-about-men/201906/the-men-s-mental-health-double-bind
Or even the stupid concept of "man flu". The idea that some women - a lot of them - seem to think that because they cope more easily with illness (because of more white blood cells, seriously, look it up), or just out of sheer vicious spite, that any man who falls sick from something is deserving of contempt. And the same people wonder "why don't men express their emotions more?" The lack of self-awareness is jaw-dropping, the irony writes itself.
The 'daws to peck at' quote is one that I put in for a reason. I cried my eyes out as an abuse survivor, but I later learned to conceal my pain. Why?
Because I thought it was unmasculine? The thought crossed my mind, but not really.
Because I thought I was weak? I assumed I was, I'd never heard of a female abusing a male, but not really as much either.
No. The real reason I started to conceal my pain was that I really thought that people didn't care, and with good reason.
The real watershed moment came when I said semi-jokingly, that I got "molested" in response to a woman I knew, joking about how a woman she knew had sexually harassed a man. When I made my comment, intending to make light of what'd happened, a male friend of mine responded in shock, and that I should've called the police. It was over the next few days that I suffered a colossal meltdown.
But "progressives" see no problem whatsoever in telling men and boys to be more emotionally open, and when it doesn't suit them, telling us to be silent. Take this little gem from the talentless hack Ken Solin on 'The Good Men Project' from back in 2011:
"I urge men struggling with the changing sexual dynamic, to stop whining about how women are treating them. First, it's unmanly to whine."
So much for caring about so-called "toxic masculinity" eh?
"Second, no one is listening except other whiny men."
Perhaps something to do with cretins like this overrated "writer" calling male victims 'crybaby whiners' all the time.
"Women have long suffered second-class citizenship, especially in relationships, so it falls on deaf ears when men complain that women aren't treating them well."
Probably not very knowledgeable about relationships and how they work. Also, not what a lot of women said about Alex Skeel as it turned out (on the contrary, they seemed to be sympathetic), and this ignorant pig would do well to see how many of my female followers (including female survivors) are hugely sympathetic to male survivors. (Seems to be a bit more of a male third-waver thing curiously!)
"There's often a temporary swing to the other extreme during a cultural shift."
And we have victim blaming. The context isn't there, but with a broad comment like this, because he hasn't excluded male survivors of female abusers, I'm going to assume that he includes them (us).
If we're told to "express and talk about" our emotions, what good is it if the same people will treat us with utter contempt? How on earth are we supposed to "show emotions" as these unthinking writers so frequently say if we're going to get flak for it? For the same people to urge us to "show emotions" and then shame us for "oh it's so hard to be a man/[insert interest group] have it worse/STFU" when we DO talk about what bothers us. And are they doing it for our sakes, or because they think it stops women being abused? I think we all know the real answer.
Like Iago, why on earth would we male survivors open our emotions up if we leave ourselves open to predatory vipers such as Benwell, Egan Morrissey, and Solin to be free to attack us?
Male survivors have enough to deal with beyond this disgusting, deceitful, lying, rape-apologism and victim blaming, and I'm no longer prepared to tolerate it, and if you're a male survivor, neither should you, no more than your female survivor counterparts should.
And for all you abuse-apologists, victim blamers and concern trolls? Don't wave a white flag at me while kicking me in the groin. It won't end well for you.
Sincerely
The Invisible Man
RESOURCES FOR MALE SURVIVORS
MEN RECOVERING FROM MILITARY SEXUAL TRAUMA: http://www.mrmst.org/
MALE SURVIVOR: http://www.malesurvivor.org/
1IN6: https://1in6.org/
SURVIVORS MANCHESTER: http://www.survivorsmanchester.org.uk/
MANKIND INITIATIVE: http://www.mankind.org.uk/
MANKINDUK: https://www.mkcharity.org/
MATRIXMEN: https://matrixmensa.blogspot.com/
SAMOSA (SOUTH AFRICA): http://www.samsosa.org/wp/
AFTER SILENCE: http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php
PANDORA'S AQUARIUM: https://pandys.org/forums/index.php?
RAINN: https://rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys
Dear Readers,
Today I'm going to start with a little Shakespeare to get into the meat of the article today. He's one of my favourite writers, and I've been lucky enough to get to grips with his work beyond the dull and tired environment of the schoolroom.
'Were I the Moor I would not be Iago.
In following him I follow but myself;
Heaven is my judge, not I for love and duty,
But seeming so for my peculiar end.
For when my outward action doth demonstrate
The Native act and figure of my heart
In compliment extern, 'tis not long after
But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at. I am not what I am.
Iago, Othello. Act 1, Scene 1, lines 57-65.
Here he explains that the day he demonstrates his most inward feelings and goals is the day that he becomes vulnerable to the outside world, open to attack. He regards people who are open about their feelings as foolish and stupid, leaving them easy prey for those who would wish to target them. All of this while he plots against Othello and tries to bring him down through psychological manipulation.
And when it comes to concealing your emotions? Yeah, I sometimes think that he's got a point.
A lot of the articles about male victims involve telling us that we don't speak out or report because "societal ideas about masculinity tell them that it's wrong to be weak and vulnerable or to show emotions" and while there's a certain truth to this, there are a few problems attached to it.
The first problem is that it's such a meaningless phrase. If no man ever expressed any emotions, there would be next to no art, architecture, music, theatre, sport, or anything. In fact, stoicism is a fairly recent thing that was much less present in the 17th Century. The context that those who make these claims is on the grounds of "crying" think that if male victims of abuse only wept like women do, everything would go fine for us because "society caters to men's needs".
The second problem is that this disclaimer is presented as the ONLY problem faced by male survivors. It's not presented as a section of the bigger picture, where male survivors face stigma of being not believed, of being blamed for their attacks, e.g:
"Why didn't you fight him/her off?"
"You must've wanted it, you had an erection!"
"Women only do that in self-defence, your accusations are misogynist!"
Or worst of all, of being accused of being a potential abuser on the grounds of having been abused themselves. There's no desire to empower male survivors here whatsoever, just a desire to protect female abuse victims for fear that the big nasty male abusers will come out of vampire syndrome and hurt women because they won't express their emotions (cry).
The third problem is this. OK, male survivors "express our emotions". What next? Perhaps our problems go away as they seem to suggest. Perhaps then we're back to normal. Perhaps we're better for it. Perhaps these same people will show us the dignity and respect due to anyone who's suffered a traumatic experience.
'Male Tears'
Or maybe not.
Do you think that as someone who cried his eyes out over being abused by a female abuser I'm going to see this as a movement to follow and trust? Something for 'progressives' to be proud of? This blatant apologism for emotional abuse is coupled with the excuse that 'you're not in fear of your life', when emotional abuse doesn't need to threaten someone's life, it can cost them their lives through self destruction or suicide anyway. It really discredits the utterly worthless argument 'men fear being laughed at by women, women fear being killed by men', and anybody who uses this argument a- especially as an excuse as to why emotional abuse is 'OK' to subject males to - deserves no respect whatsoever.
Here's a piece from nasty little hack 'Max Benwell' using identity politics to justify the stupid 'killallmen' hashtag of circa 2014, which - like the recent statement of UKIP's Carl Benjamin to Jess Phillips - cannot be regarded as a 'joke' when it even implies violence against another human being.
'If you're a white man and you've started to feel excluded or anxious that someone who isn't white or male may get preferential treatment over you, then all you're doing is experiencing the same feeling everyone else has had for centuries. So please, if someone tweets something against you like this, just let it go.
Max Benwell, The Independent, 2015.
Whoever this disgusting abuse-apologist is, add in the context of being a male survivor and forgotten about, or even victim-blamed, then this statement looks like a very ugly piece of victim-blaming indeed, especially if you add the context of the sad fate of Mark Van Dongen, who suffered an acid attack from his girlfriend, and was in such pain he had to be euthanised. Perhaps Max Benwell in his infinite wisdom can explain how important his fate was to identity politics or women's rights?
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-43823752
Another rather illuminating set of blog entries come from the early third wavers back in 2007. Granted, this was back then, but these attitudes have changed little among the intellectually incompetent third wave feminists. This was from an article by Tracie Egan Morrissey, who as far as I know, has since left the website.
https://jezebel.com/have-you-ever-beat-up-a-boyfriend-cause-uh-we-have-294383
I've left some of the worst comments below to highlight the attitude of third wave feminists to male abuse victims.
Yes, please, let's not forget the poor men who make up a whopping 15% of the domestic violence victims (nonsarcastic saide: this includes situations in which the violence is mutual, or the women used violence in response to violence), who are far less likely to be hurt by domestic violence, given the differences in size and strength between most men and women, who aren't laboring under lifetimes of oppressive gender hierarchy. I'm glad that you raised awareness of this terrible scourge so that we can convince the public that more of the ample, nay, surplus of resources that we throw at aleviating domestic violence against women can now be re-channelled to help the poor, oppressed men. Thank you. Thank you of thinking of the dudes.
Username, 'Petronella'.
Identity politics offers strength to female abuse apologists and victim blamers, and "gender norms" third wavers claim they're against (when it suits them) and this continues today. (I'm not sure how third wavers think that there's no money for male survivors in the richest countries in the world?)
*snicker* It's Okay ladies. They can just consider it payback for binding our feet, shoving our chunklet asses into corsets, leaving chick babies on mountaintops, droolin' over size 0 asses, and generally making us miserable for centuries.
Username 'Warmaiden'.
In other words, lack of historical women's rights is a good excuse for a female domestic abuser to beat up her partner? Yeah, I don't think so, sunshine.
My favourite comment however, comes from a blog called 'iblamethepatriarchy.com. To be honest, this wasn't made by the person who runs the site, rather by an anonymous commenter, but the fact is that it was tolerated by the site tells us a lot about their true colours.
'A man never deserves pity for being raped. After all, it's not like he had sex. Unless he was gay, it's just a little lesson in what it's like to be treated like an object.'
Anonymous user, iblamethepatriarchy.com, 2007
I have no words for that last one. I actually regard this as the worst piece of hatred from the disgusting third wavers in my entire life.
In this below article, the author highlights how so-called "progressives" have attempted to hamstring efforts to approve men's mental health, satisfying them with harmful and meaningless ignorance, usually nonsense about "capitalism" and "patriarchy" most notably. Most notable is what Rob says about how efforts to get men to talk more about emotions, anything else is unnecessary, or unacceptable to them. Progressives seem to labour under the entirely unjustified assumption that helping males means "men must show emotion and they'll be alright, because "patriarchy" will cater to them, (even though they say "patriarchy hurts men too" as well), and to be more like women". This doesn't address the fact that an indifferent, schizophrenic society that hates your weakness, or dismisses your self-defence or suicide as "violence".
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/talking-about-men/201906/the-men-s-mental-health-double-bind
The 'daws to peck at' quote is one that I put in for a reason. I cried my eyes out as an abuse survivor, but I later learned to conceal my pain. Why?
Because I thought it was unmasculine? The thought crossed my mind, but not really.
Because I thought I was weak? I assumed I was, I'd never heard of a female abusing a male, but not really as much either.
No. The real reason I started to conceal my pain was that I really thought that people didn't care, and with good reason.
The real watershed moment came when I said semi-jokingly, that I got "molested" in response to a woman I knew, joking about how a woman she knew had sexually harassed a man. When I made my comment, intending to make light of what'd happened, a male friend of mine responded in shock, and that I should've called the police. It was over the next few days that I suffered a colossal meltdown.
But "progressives" see no problem whatsoever in telling men and boys to be more emotionally open, and when it doesn't suit them, telling us to be silent. Take this little gem from the talentless hack Ken Solin on 'The Good Men Project' from back in 2011:
"I urge men struggling with the changing sexual dynamic, to stop whining about how women are treating them. First, it's unmanly to whine."
So much for caring about so-called "toxic masculinity" eh?
"Second, no one is listening except other whiny men."
Perhaps something to do with cretins like this overrated "writer" calling male victims 'crybaby whiners' all the time.
"Women have long suffered second-class citizenship, especially in relationships, so it falls on deaf ears when men complain that women aren't treating them well."
Probably not very knowledgeable about relationships and how they work. Also, not what a lot of women said about Alex Skeel as it turned out (on the contrary, they seemed to be sympathetic), and this ignorant pig would do well to see how many of my female followers (including female survivors) are hugely sympathetic to male survivors. (Seems to be a bit more of a male third-waver thing curiously!)
"There's often a temporary swing to the other extreme during a cultural shift."
And we have victim blaming. The context isn't there, but with a broad comment like this, because he hasn't excluded male survivors of female abusers, I'm going to assume that he includes them (us).
If we're told to "express and talk about" our emotions, what good is it if the same people will treat us with utter contempt? How on earth are we supposed to "show emotions" as these unthinking writers so frequently say if we're going to get flak for it? For the same people to urge us to "show emotions" and then shame us for "oh it's so hard to be a man/[insert interest group] have it worse/STFU" when we DO talk about what bothers us. And are they doing it for our sakes, or because they think it stops women being abused? I think we all know the real answer.
Like Iago, why on earth would we male survivors open our emotions up if we leave ourselves open to predatory vipers such as Benwell, Egan Morrissey, and Solin to be free to attack us?
Male survivors have enough to deal with beyond this disgusting, deceitful, lying, rape-apologism and victim blaming, and I'm no longer prepared to tolerate it, and if you're a male survivor, neither should you, no more than your female survivor counterparts should.
And for all you abuse-apologists, victim blamers and concern trolls? Don't wave a white flag at me while kicking me in the groin. It won't end well for you.
Sincerely
The Invisible Man
RESOURCES FOR MALE SURVIVORS
MEN RECOVERING FROM MILITARY SEXUAL TRAUMA: http://www.mrmst.org/
MALE SURVIVOR: http://www.malesurvivor.org/
1IN6: https://1in6.org/
SURVIVORS MANCHESTER: http://www.survivorsmanchester.org.uk/
MANKIND INITIATIVE: http://www.mankind.org.uk/
MANKINDUK: https://www.mkcharity.org/
MATRIXMEN: https://matrixmensa.blogspot.com/
SAMOSA (SOUTH AFRICA): http://www.samsosa.org/wp/
AFTER SILENCE: http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php
PANDORA'S AQUARIUM: https://pandys.org/forums/index.php?
RAINN: https://rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys
Friday, May 31, 2019
HUGO SCHWYZER AND 'WOKE' RAPE APOLOGISTS
Dear Readers,
I first heard of Professor Hugo Schwyzer roundabout the date of the first Slutwalks in the mid-2010s, where women in America, and in Canada, were banding together against the shameful message that by wearing revealing clothes they were "asking" for it. Though some of their responses were not exactly great to say the least (that's another story), the reality is that to tell someone that by dressing in a minidress means that they've only themselves to blame is a disgusting thing to say, and they were right to oppose this concept.*
Schwyzer started getting in on the act, painting himself as a leader of the Slutwalks, a male feminist champion and "ally" of women (in layman's terms, self-satisfied, smug hypocrite), who railed about the injustice of older men taking interest in younger women:
https://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/05/what-if-men-stopped-chasing-much-younger-women/275916/
"Women rape boys, and it is awful. It is also comparatively rare. And though we can presume some degree of underreporting from boys, that underreporting cannot be quantified. What can be quantified makes it clear that the overwhelming percentage of sexual predators are men, and the overwhelming percentage of victims are women."
No doubt there are many male survivors who've endured this tedious little sermon from numerous "woke" and "progressive" types who've served to patronise you while pretending to be sympathetic, but that's beside the point of this article.
(Source posted here: https://toysoldier.wordpress.com/2011/11/22/oh-dear/)
Of course, by the time I was aware of his existence, he was already under investigation at Pasadena University where he worked. He was revealed to have had - or attempted - an affair with a woman nearly 20 years younger than him, he confessed to an attempted murder-suicide on his personal website (link deleted), numerous other examples of misconduct - particularly with women - and he was also guilty of having sexual relations with several of his female students. The university got rid of him, the feminist message was also clearly 'never darken our doors again', and Schwyzer's anti-feminist foes didn't refrain in treating him with disgust and contempt that everyone by now felt that he deserved. Nowadays, ask either a feminist or an MRA (or a male survivor advocate) who's ever heard of Schwyzer what their opinion of his is, you can bet your bottom dollar that their opinion will be something along the line of 'dirtbag' (more likely something more severe and unkind to be honest).
To the best of my knowledge, unless I'm mistaken, the former professor now ekes out his existence working in a grocery store.
The sad tale of Professor Schwyzer is a rather sordid and shameful one of humiliation and the destruction of one man's reputation. It's an unpleasant thing to witness (as happened recently with our own Prime Minister Theresa May), and to revel in it is something we've all done in this day and age at some point, but in reality it's nothing to be proud of enjoying. It's sick, it's horrible, and it disregards the pain of others involved.
Keep in mind that those who say 'women do it too' in regards to sexual assault and abuse, they've probably found out the hard way. It's highly unlikely that they bring it up to put women down because most men don't even know about male sexual assault victims, except perhaps in the context of prison rape, less so domestic abuse and general abuse victims.
Of all the ways of trying to put women down, why on earth would one use a method like that one? One that sets one up to be so potentially mistreated and humiliated? Why on earth would anyone bother with this method to get at women, rather than to highlight a problem that they've discovered in the worst way imaginable, but nobody else in their eyes has?
In more recent years, the popular online review channel known as 'Channel Awesome' yielded its own scandal. Its owners presented - and still present - themselves as 'progressive' and express such opinions frequently. Here's an example from Doug Walker (Nostalgia Critic) discussing an anti-sexual harassment commercial
'The funny thing is, sometimes, I wonder if this would still work if the roles were reversed, like, if it was the woman hitting on the man. My guess, in all honesty, would be, "No." For one, kind of obviously, this happens more to women than it does to men, but two, men just aren't smart enough to recognise when they're being hit on. We're kinda dumb that way. If a woman is not interested, that's the one we go for, but if a woman IS interested, we're blindly naïve to it for some reason. If a female biss is hitting on a male worker, he's not gonna catch onto it anytime soon.'
When faced by criticism for his shoddy attitude towards male victims of sexual harassment, Walker was less than gracious. Trigger warning for Doug Walker mocking male harassment victims. Skip to 7:30 if you can stomach it.
https://channelawesome.com/adventure-time-vlogs-the-real-you/
Sadly, it seems that Walker's ignorance pervaded his channel, which as it turns out, was full of bad management decisions, bullying, sexual harassment, and even sexual assault. None of the latter two things can be attributed to Walker, but his poor attitude towards male sexual harassment victims is quite plain.
Full details can be found in the link below.
https://www.resetera.com/threads/channel-not-so-awesome-ex-contributors-of-channel-awesome-detail-a-history-of-abuse-read-op.33557/
Another more recent example is Louis CK, who made this statement during one of his stand up routines:
'We're the number one threat to women. Globally and historically we're the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women, we're the worst thing that ever happened to them.'
At the time I heard that, I'd already heard reports about him cornering unwilling women and masturbating in front of them, so I found his above opinion while not only nonsensical and wrong (traffic collisions and accidental falls feature much higher in injury to men and women), I found his comments to be disturbing. So when the #MeToo movement kicked off, I strongly suspected that CK would be exposed, and oh boy was I vindicated!
Finally, the most gratuitous example is Harvey Weinstein. A thug and a bully fawned over by the great and the good for his 'progressive' politics, friend to the rich and powerful, as we all know, revealed to be a serial predator and sexual abuser. He was also on one of the anti-Trump "pussy hat" marches. Here is the link:
https://www.google.com/search?biw=1920&bih=776&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=XPnwXM69AeWW1fAPu8Gm6AE&q=harvey+weinstein+pussy+hat+march&oq=harvey+weinstein+pussy+hat+march&gs_l=img.3...174384.179103..179325...1.0..1.177.2865.29j4......0....1..gws-wiz-img.......35i39j0j0i67j0i24.ttd6kTnpASY#imgrc=gqzdnU9J0fnAgM:
So why am I angry at this sorry parade of 'progressive' predators? Because it's men like that who dismiss and grind down male survivors, we who've had to fight tooth and nail for the barest scraps from the table. Progress to changing attitudes to our portrayal in media, progress towards providing funding for shelters and programmes to help us have been painfully slow. And on top of that, we get accused of being wimps, or self-pitying crybabies, and often it's by 'woke' men like the above, trying to prove their allyship to women while being the proverbial wolves in sheep's clothing.
It is a travesty for these disgusting, nauseating fools to grind us down and accuse us of misogyny, while they pretend to be friends to womankind, and act out their predatory fantasies that they conceal by going 'Like OMG men are like the worst!' to hide their true nature.
There are men out there who behave like the above who aren't predators, and I'm hardly saying every single one of these individuals are in fact predators. Their rhetoric is still hurtful and damaging to male survivors like myself, but to use their own logic, how do we know that we can trust them? Because predators posing as 'woke progressives' is outrageous and damaging for all survivors regardless of gender.
Of course, to say anything puts one at the risk of being mobbed by trolls and other anonymous online parasites, I've had this happen to me, and on one occasion when a twitter troll got his rhetoric about 'toxic masculinity' as being the cause of all that ails male survivors rejected by me, he accused me of being crazy and needing help. Needless to say, I blocked him. Not that I had any choice, but it was rather disturbing.
To wrap this up, I want to make a statement. If the 'woke' movement calls male survivors and our advocates 'MRA misogynist crybaby Nazis' and then said speakers turn out to be predators or rape apologists, then there's something seriously wrong with the movement.
And if anyone out there is going to smear me and call me names I have this to say for you.
Say it when you see me.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
*My own therapist illustrated this by telling me how one of his previous clients had been blamed by her rapist for wearing a school uniform, to which he pointed out 'what else were you supposed to wear?' in response.
I first heard of Professor Hugo Schwyzer roundabout the date of the first Slutwalks in the mid-2010s, where women in America, and in Canada, were banding together against the shameful message that by wearing revealing clothes they were "asking" for it. Though some of their responses were not exactly great to say the least (that's another story), the reality is that to tell someone that by dressing in a minidress means that they've only themselves to blame is a disgusting thing to say, and they were right to oppose this concept.*
Schwyzer started getting in on the act, painting himself as a leader of the Slutwalks, a male feminist champion and "ally" of women (in layman's terms, self-satisfied, smug hypocrite), who railed about the injustice of older men taking interest in younger women:
https://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/05/what-if-men-stopped-chasing-much-younger-women/275916/
"Women rape boys, and it is awful. It is also comparatively rare. And though we can presume some degree of underreporting from boys, that underreporting cannot be quantified. What can be quantified makes it clear that the overwhelming percentage of sexual predators are men, and the overwhelming percentage of victims are women."
No doubt there are many male survivors who've endured this tedious little sermon from numerous "woke" and "progressive" types who've served to patronise you while pretending to be sympathetic, but that's beside the point of this article.
(Source posted here: https://toysoldier.wordpress.com/2011/11/22/oh-dear/)
Of course, by the time I was aware of his existence, he was already under investigation at Pasadena University where he worked. He was revealed to have had - or attempted - an affair with a woman nearly 20 years younger than him, he confessed to an attempted murder-suicide on his personal website (link deleted), numerous other examples of misconduct - particularly with women - and he was also guilty of having sexual relations with several of his female students. The university got rid of him, the feminist message was also clearly 'never darken our doors again', and Schwyzer's anti-feminist foes didn't refrain in treating him with disgust and contempt that everyone by now felt that he deserved. Nowadays, ask either a feminist or an MRA (or a male survivor advocate) who's ever heard of Schwyzer what their opinion of his is, you can bet your bottom dollar that their opinion will be something along the line of 'dirtbag' (more likely something more severe and unkind to be honest).
To the best of my knowledge, unless I'm mistaken, the former professor now ekes out his existence working in a grocery store.
The sad tale of Professor Schwyzer is a rather sordid and shameful one of humiliation and the destruction of one man's reputation. It's an unpleasant thing to witness (as happened recently with our own Prime Minister Theresa May), and to revel in it is something we've all done in this day and age at some point, but in reality it's nothing to be proud of enjoying. It's sick, it's horrible, and it disregards the pain of others involved.
Keep in mind that those who say 'women do it too' in regards to sexual assault and abuse, they've probably found out the hard way. It's highly unlikely that they bring it up to put women down because most men don't even know about male sexual assault victims, except perhaps in the context of prison rape, less so domestic abuse and general abuse victims.
Of all the ways of trying to put women down, why on earth would one use a method like that one? One that sets one up to be so potentially mistreated and humiliated? Why on earth would anyone bother with this method to get at women, rather than to highlight a problem that they've discovered in the worst way imaginable, but nobody else in their eyes has?
In more recent years, the popular online review channel known as 'Channel Awesome' yielded its own scandal. Its owners presented - and still present - themselves as 'progressive' and express such opinions frequently. Here's an example from Doug Walker (Nostalgia Critic) discussing an anti-sexual harassment commercial
'The funny thing is, sometimes, I wonder if this would still work if the roles were reversed, like, if it was the woman hitting on the man. My guess, in all honesty, would be, "No." For one, kind of obviously, this happens more to women than it does to men, but two, men just aren't smart enough to recognise when they're being hit on. We're kinda dumb that way. If a woman is not interested, that's the one we go for, but if a woman IS interested, we're blindly naïve to it for some reason. If a female biss is hitting on a male worker, he's not gonna catch onto it anytime soon.'
When faced by criticism for his shoddy attitude towards male victims of sexual harassment, Walker was less than gracious. Trigger warning for Doug Walker mocking male harassment victims. Skip to 7:30 if you can stomach it.
https://channelawesome.com/adventure-time-vlogs-the-real-you/
Sadly, it seems that Walker's ignorance pervaded his channel, which as it turns out, was full of bad management decisions, bullying, sexual harassment, and even sexual assault. None of the latter two things can be attributed to Walker, but his poor attitude towards male sexual harassment victims is quite plain.
Full details can be found in the link below.
https://www.resetera.com/threads/channel-not-so-awesome-ex-contributors-of-channel-awesome-detail-a-history-of-abuse-read-op.33557/
Another more recent example is Louis CK, who made this statement during one of his stand up routines:
'We're the number one threat to women. Globally and historically we're the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women, we're the worst thing that ever happened to them.'
At the time I heard that, I'd already heard reports about him cornering unwilling women and masturbating in front of them, so I found his above opinion while not only nonsensical and wrong (traffic collisions and accidental falls feature much higher in injury to men and women), I found his comments to be disturbing. So when the #MeToo movement kicked off, I strongly suspected that CK would be exposed, and oh boy was I vindicated!
Finally, the most gratuitous example is Harvey Weinstein. A thug and a bully fawned over by the great and the good for his 'progressive' politics, friend to the rich and powerful, as we all know, revealed to be a serial predator and sexual abuser. He was also on one of the anti-Trump "pussy hat" marches. Here is the link:
https://www.google.com/search?biw=1920&bih=776&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=XPnwXM69AeWW1fAPu8Gm6AE&q=harvey+weinstein+pussy+hat+march&oq=harvey+weinstein+pussy+hat+march&gs_l=img.3...174384.179103..179325...1.0..1.177.2865.29j4......0....1..gws-wiz-img.......35i39j0j0i67j0i24.ttd6kTnpASY#imgrc=gqzdnU9J0fnAgM:
So why am I angry at this sorry parade of 'progressive' predators? Because it's men like that who dismiss and grind down male survivors, we who've had to fight tooth and nail for the barest scraps from the table. Progress to changing attitudes to our portrayal in media, progress towards providing funding for shelters and programmes to help us have been painfully slow. And on top of that, we get accused of being wimps, or self-pitying crybabies, and often it's by 'woke' men like the above, trying to prove their allyship to women while being the proverbial wolves in sheep's clothing.
It is a travesty for these disgusting, nauseating fools to grind us down and accuse us of misogyny, while they pretend to be friends to womankind, and act out their predatory fantasies that they conceal by going 'Like OMG men are like the worst!' to hide their true nature.
There are men out there who behave like the above who aren't predators, and I'm hardly saying every single one of these individuals are in fact predators. Their rhetoric is still hurtful and damaging to male survivors like myself, but to use their own logic, how do we know that we can trust them? Because predators posing as 'woke progressives' is outrageous and damaging for all survivors regardless of gender.
Of course, to say anything puts one at the risk of being mobbed by trolls and other anonymous online parasites, I've had this happen to me, and on one occasion when a twitter troll got his rhetoric about 'toxic masculinity' as being the cause of all that ails male survivors rejected by me, he accused me of being crazy and needing help. Needless to say, I blocked him. Not that I had any choice, but it was rather disturbing.
To wrap this up, I want to make a statement. If the 'woke' movement calls male survivors and our advocates 'MRA misogynist crybaby Nazis' and then said speakers turn out to be predators or rape apologists, then there's something seriously wrong with the movement.
And if anyone out there is going to smear me and call me names I have this to say for you.
Say it when you see me.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
*My own therapist illustrated this by telling me how one of his previous clients had been blamed by her rapist for wearing a school uniform, to which he pointed out 'what else were you supposed to wear?' in response.
Monday, April 22, 2019
TOBLERONE AND LUCKY B*****D SYNDROME
Dear Readers,
Switzerland is one of the most unique countries in the world, and has given us a lot. It's given us fondue, cuckoo clocks, some excellent skiing slopes, a Freddie Mercury statue on the shores of Lake Geneva (seen it myself, it's spectacular), the bizarre Vatican Swiss guards, a populace that can fight war with the best of them but never needs to, and a wide range of cheeses. It's also the inventor of milk chocolate (for which I and most people - probably - are eternally grateful). One of the most famous of these is 'Toblerone', the famous nougat chocolate, which comes in a very long...bar I suppose is the best way to describe it, with each segment in triangular shapes.
If you're wondering why I'm bringing the subject of Swiss chocolate up when talking about sexual abuse, I'm going onto the subject of why male survivors - unlike female survivors - are told that we should've wanted it, or that an erection means 'not rape'. This is something that a friend of mine once said to me - I immediately clocked it up to ignorance on his part, rather than a wilful insult.
As for my experience, after consistent and persistent treatment by my abuser, I was enticed by my abuser into a 'physical' response, the sort that's common in most boys hitting puberty. She started telling me that I 'enjoyed' it, and I believed her. I even sought out her abusive and grabbing ways because I thought that I wanted it, I'd been groomed into thinking that I wanted to be groped and grabbed, assuming that this was what women did normally. Hell, I was pretty lonely and isolated by now, easy target for bullying, constantly in trouble with teachers for not doing my work so it seemed, I felt that nothing else was open to me.
Of course, she was strictly off-limits in regards to touching, so it was to be me who she continuously manhandled across the crotch, day in day out, a one way street, nothing mutual about it. This was a big reason why I blamed myself, having heard the derogatory phrase that 'men think with their dicks', for a long time I thought that I was 'thinking with my dick' and that I would never 'make the same mistake again'.
Now back to the Toblerone. Most of you readers have probably enjoyed a Toblerone at some stage in your lives.
How did it feel? Smooth? Rich? Tasty?
If someone gives you a bit of Toblerone, unless you don't like chocolate or have some form of allergy, it's probably a pleasant experience. You break off a triangle, you nibble it, let it melt in your mouth, or if you're like me you scoff it right down, however you like.
Now what if that someone instead takes the whole thing and tries to shove it straight in your mouth? How might that feel? Painful. Stressful? Frightening?
There is an attitude that all males are sex-mad fools and that such ape-like fools should be grateful for any sexual advances bestowed upon them by pure women. I once read a male commentator claim that 'a man would have sex with a hole in a tree if he could get away with it' and while I assume that was tongue in cheek, it does reveal a lot about how we as society view male sexuality. As unrelenting, vicious, animalistic, anything will do, no-holes barred.
So what effect does it have on male survivors?
In 2014, according to the American psychological association 43% of boys in the United States between the ages of 14 and 20 had been forced, coerced or manipulated into having sex with women they didn't want to. This is not a tiny minority of numbers recorded, it's over 2/5ths of boys and young men of 2014 were being forced to have sex with someone they didn't want to. What might the response have been?
If you're set off or upset by mocking of abuse victims I'd suggest not watching the following video, because it's stomach-churning. We see a clip from 2014 of Bill Maher openly mocking male sexual assault survivors in the cases in which a female has been the aggressor.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=52&v=EA-Kyo1UU6w
I am aware that Bill Maher has a bit of a track record, but this is the worst he's ever done.
We can easily see why the video has such a high dislike bar on it. Sadly whenever I've seen people who laughably call themselves "progressive" joke about how 'Oh white men who're raped have it soooo bad NOT!' it seems to bear a funny symmetry to this vile little clip, also demonstrating how the rain of arrows seems to come down in male survivors from both sides.
I am aware that Bill Maher has a bit of a track record, but this is the worst he's ever done.
We can easily see why the video has such a high dislike bar on it. Sadly whenever I've seen people who laughably call themselves "progressive" joke about how 'Oh white men who're raped have it soooo bad NOT!' it seems to bear a funny symmetry to this vile little clip, also demonstrating how the rain of arrows seems to come down in male survivors from both sides.
For those so-called "macho" types who like to foolishly claim, 'Oh, you got lucky.' or 'Boo hoo grow a pair' I see you. You are part of the problem. You're at the same level of those horrible creatures who tell women 'I wouldn't even rape you, you're so unattractive.'
How would you feel if someone shoved a whole Toblerone in your mouth? Like you were having a scaffolding pole rammed down your throat. How would you feel if you were being tied up and forcibly mounted by someone who you found physically repulsive?
And what's more, because there is no backlash, Maher and those like him get away with it! All with the line that 'men can't stop wanting sex/need an erection so they can't be raped by women.'
Some women orgasm in the middle of rape. Does that mean that they enjoyed it?
Does a 'nymphomaniac' woman want to be raped?
I don't think so. So why do we treat male survivors as if this is so for them? Because we think that any man would stick his member in anything he wanted if he could?
Enough is enough, so #spreadtheword.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man.
How would you feel if someone shoved a whole Toblerone in your mouth? Like you were having a scaffolding pole rammed down your throat. How would you feel if you were being tied up and forcibly mounted by someone who you found physically repulsive?
And what's more, because there is no backlash, Maher and those like him get away with it! All with the line that 'men can't stop wanting sex/need an erection so they can't be raped by women.'
Some women orgasm in the middle of rape. Does that mean that they enjoyed it?
Does a 'nymphomaniac' woman want to be raped?
I don't think so. So why do we treat male survivors as if this is so for them? Because we think that any man would stick his member in anything he wanted if he could?
Enough is enough, so #spreadtheword.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man.
Friday, March 29, 2019
A FRESH START
Dear Readers,
Today is my 30th Birthday.
Fortunately, being of Scandinavian descent on my mother's side, my looks have survived this far intact, and if I can be bothered to have a shave, apparently some people still mistake me for 18.Of course, not everybody is as lucky as that. A lot of this comes from healthy eating and regular exercise as well as mental self-care.
To address current events occurring in my country, well, while not wishing to take sides in the constant battling between 'Leave' and 'Remain' for all that time, it is a bit of a pain. A lot of issues have been left by the wayside during this debate, "negotiations" and infighting, and personally, having someone very special to me living in Berlin, it's a bit more of a concern regarding travel arrangements.
But it's not the end of the world.
In fact, if one were to look at the situation in a positive light, even in a worst case scenario, one might be able to see it as a chance to make some real changes, turn over a new leaf and make a fresh start. (For example, a friend of mine living in China tells me that the Chinese are really excited about it, more English people working for them, Europe's loss is their gain she says.)
Even if there are side effects, it's not like they're going to last forever. I understand why people are concerned of course, I share much of those myself. I just think that it could be, and has been worse, and worst case scenario, one must remember the phrase that makes sad men glad and glad men sad.
'This too shall pass.'
This all brings me to the topic I wish to cover today. While I'm celebrating my 30th Birthday today, I'm going to be looking forward. I have every intention on setting myself up financially to enjoy life to the fullest. I'm more confident than I was ten years ago, I'm more experienced, more knowledgeable, I have plans to travel. To enjoy new experiences. To visit new places and new people. To have more fun with women that I missed out on in my 20s (this can mean a relationship or just having some casual fun, depending on what's best for you).
When recovering from sexual abuse, this is probably one of the hardest things you're ever going to have to do.
What you have to remember when you're turning over a new leaf for yourself is that you're doing it for you. You have to commit to doing things differently, and this takes a little mental strength because it's very easy to lapse back into your old ways, such as thinking negatively. You have to think positively, and tell yourself that this time, things will change for you. The past may seem like a compelling reason for nothing to improve, but never forget that your past doesn't equal your future.
Sometimes it won't be easy to maintain this new positive state of mind, but as long as you stick with it, keep correcting yourself whenever you lapse back into your previous mindset. This will inevitably happen from time to time, it's rather like riding a bicycle without the support wheels when you're a kid. It feels odd and strange, but as you practice you get gradually more used to it.
Sexual abuse ruins often one's confidence, but if this is you, don't forget. If there's something Don't surround yourself with negative voices, or if you're stuck with such voices, seek out the positive. Remind yourself that what happened to you was not your fault. It doesn't make you a bad person or a potential abuser yourself. Also compile a list of the things that you're good at, that make you positive or feel good about yourself. Positive attributes to yourself, no matter how small, and remind yourself of these every day. This won't get instant results, but it will make a huge difference in the long run if you keep reminding yourself.
You have to remember that it doesn't matter what other people think. Take advice if you want, seek help if you feel you need it, but don't let any disapproval of the new you stop you. The opinions of others will kill you, so you don't have to take them as seriously as you might think. Taking other people's advice is still important, but don't kid yourself into thinking that everybody knows better than you, as I once did. Trust your instincts and your gut.
Try out new things, things that you've always wanted to do, but felt too afraid to do so (as long as it doesn't involve self-harm, heavy drinking, drugs, or excessively dangerous or illegal activities). If you've always wanted to visit a new country somewhere around the world, try it out. Someone you always wanted to ask out or talk to, give it a go. Mountain biking? Wine tasting? Even socialising and making new friends? It doesn't matter. To go where you want to and be who you want to, you're going to have to exit your comfort zone now and again. It rarely goes wrong in my experience, and even if it does, it's almost never as bad as you imagine it will be. If you want to do it, do it.
And finally, it doesn't matter what you've been through. (Bear with me.) Remember, when you're really at rock bottom, this is as far down as you are going to go, and the only way is up.
It's never too late to become the person you could've been.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Today is my 30th Birthday.
Fortunately, being of Scandinavian descent on my mother's side, my looks have survived this far intact, and if I can be bothered to have a shave, apparently some people still mistake me for 18.Of course, not everybody is as lucky as that. A lot of this comes from healthy eating and regular exercise as well as mental self-care.
But it's not the end of the world.
In fact, if one were to look at the situation in a positive light, even in a worst case scenario, one might be able to see it as a chance to make some real changes, turn over a new leaf and make a fresh start. (For example, a friend of mine living in China tells me that the Chinese are really excited about it, more English people working for them, Europe's loss is their gain she says.)
Even if there are side effects, it's not like they're going to last forever. I understand why people are concerned of course, I share much of those myself. I just think that it could be, and has been worse, and worst case scenario, one must remember the phrase that makes sad men glad and glad men sad.
'This too shall pass.'
This all brings me to the topic I wish to cover today. While I'm celebrating my 30th Birthday today, I'm going to be looking forward. I have every intention on setting myself up financially to enjoy life to the fullest. I'm more confident than I was ten years ago, I'm more experienced, more knowledgeable, I have plans to travel. To enjoy new experiences. To visit new places and new people. To have more fun with women that I missed out on in my 20s (this can mean a relationship or just having some casual fun, depending on what's best for you).
When recovering from sexual abuse, this is probably one of the hardest things you're ever going to have to do.
What you have to remember when you're turning over a new leaf for yourself is that you're doing it for you. You have to commit to doing things differently, and this takes a little mental strength because it's very easy to lapse back into your old ways, such as thinking negatively. You have to think positively, and tell yourself that this time, things will change for you. The past may seem like a compelling reason for nothing to improve, but never forget that your past doesn't equal your future.
Sometimes it won't be easy to maintain this new positive state of mind, but as long as you stick with it, keep correcting yourself whenever you lapse back into your previous mindset. This will inevitably happen from time to time, it's rather like riding a bicycle without the support wheels when you're a kid. It feels odd and strange, but as you practice you get gradually more used to it.
Sexual abuse ruins often one's confidence, but if this is you, don't forget. If there's something Don't surround yourself with negative voices, or if you're stuck with such voices, seek out the positive. Remind yourself that what happened to you was not your fault. It doesn't make you a bad person or a potential abuser yourself. Also compile a list of the things that you're good at, that make you positive or feel good about yourself. Positive attributes to yourself, no matter how small, and remind yourself of these every day. This won't get instant results, but it will make a huge difference in the long run if you keep reminding yourself.
You have to remember that it doesn't matter what other people think. Take advice if you want, seek help if you feel you need it, but don't let any disapproval of the new you stop you. The opinions of others will kill you, so you don't have to take them as seriously as you might think. Taking other people's advice is still important, but don't kid yourself into thinking that everybody knows better than you, as I once did. Trust your instincts and your gut.
Try out new things, things that you've always wanted to do, but felt too afraid to do so (as long as it doesn't involve self-harm, heavy drinking, drugs, or excessively dangerous or illegal activities). If you've always wanted to visit a new country somewhere around the world, try it out. Someone you always wanted to ask out or talk to, give it a go. Mountain biking? Wine tasting? Even socialising and making new friends? It doesn't matter. To go where you want to and be who you want to, you're going to have to exit your comfort zone now and again. It rarely goes wrong in my experience, and even if it does, it's almost never as bad as you imagine it will be. If you want to do it, do it.
And finally, it doesn't matter what you've been through. (Bear with me.) Remember, when you're really at rock bottom, this is as far down as you are going to go, and the only way is up.
It's never too late to become the person you could've been.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Monday, February 25, 2019
ON SELF CARE
Dear Readers,
Survivors of abuse are often riddled with mental health issues. I'm not saying that every single abuse survivor suffers this way, but it's unfortunately all too common, and male survivors are no exception.
From what we know, male survivors often suffer from issues such as:
1: 76% of suicides in England and Wales in 2016 were committed by men according to ONS
2: Survivor males are much more likely to suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression.
3: Only 36% of referrals to psychological therapy are made for male patients.
4. Male survivors are more likely to participate in alcohol and drug abuse than non-survivor males.
5. Male survivors are more likely to suffer relationship problems (something I've struggled with).
6. Male survivors also suffer more problems in school with underachievement as a result of their abuse.
I'm going to make it clear, I'm not in any way, a mental health expert. However, I have had experience of depression, social anxiety, mental issues. I'm going to cover these as best I can with the knowledge and experience I have. If you're a male survivor reading this, then I suggest that you take a look at the advice I have, since I've learned this from personal experience. Feel free to discard anything that doesn't work for you.
Sometimes you might find something that sets you off or builds a great deal of fear. Sometimes it's a noise, a smell, a sound, something that someone says. I've been there myself, and sometimes it's taken hours, or even days to subside.
If you're having a panic attack related to your abuse, breathe slowly. Get yourself somewhere comfortable and try to stay calm. It will ride itself out, and after a short space of time you'll be back to normal again. If this is a persistent problem I suggest consulting your doctor.
Depression is a very serious problem. In the past it was derided as only suffered by people who were rich and pampered, while busy working people don't have time for it. This is rubbish. The truth is, depression is a mental health issue. I once woke up in university suffering from depression, and I had a practical exam that day. I succeeded it, but I felt like garbage afterwards, and really thought that I'd failed badly. It was a horrible feeling and it was with me from the moment I woke up.
For male survivors I have a few suggestions to use to help keep up a decent level of mental health, and though these will probably sound obvious and you may have heard them before, I suggest that you pay attention to them because the ways we nurture our physical health also make a difference to our mental health.
Exercise is very important to our physical health in staving off obesity, heart disease and cancer, but also our mental well-being. Sometimes I've found that being depressed, or even if you're stressed, or just bored or frustrated, can be remedied by going for an hour exercise. This could involve going to the gym if you join one, going for a run or a power walk, or using a treadmill or exercise machine in your house.
Do it every day for an hour if possible, and while obviously it'll improve your looks and physical health, more importantly it'll also make a difference to your mental well being. Once you finish or get home, have a shower as soon as possible, it'll make you feel great. Don't strain yourself though, and try and avoid it if you're suffering from a cold or a cough or something debilitating that could get yourself hurt (or even spread germs to others, say, in the gym).
Healthy eating also makes a huge difference to your life. Try and avoid large quantities of trans fats and sugars. A little bit of sugar, fat and salt is good for you, as long as you don't overdo it, and oily fish such as salmon or mackerel are excellent for omega 3. Fresh vegetables and fruits are essential, but don't overdo it on carbs such as potatoes and pasta, and drink plenty of water. Personally, being British (or just English) I prefer a nice soothing cup of tea most of the time, but don't overdo it on coffee if that's what you prefer, it can make you hyper anxious and nervous.
During down time, try and avoid looking at glowing screens such as TV screens, laptops, phones and so on for extended periods of time. Spend some time reading and listening to music, because research has proven on numerous occasions that reading stimulates the brain. (See 7) Also, make sure that you get plenty of sleep, and avoid late night sessions of work or activity as much as possible.
As men, we often thrive on busying ourselves to something useful. I've done white collar jobs in comfortable offices in which I've been utterly miserable. On the other hand I've done shifts in workshops for 12 hours at a time and I've barely been happier. Give me a rusty piece of metal, an angle grinder and a cushion to kneel on, and I'm happy for the afternoon. If you find the same amount of joy in these activities, then I suggest find somewhere you can join in on these activities. Finding a hobby can be a very enjoyable, but often you need to keep it up, and whether it's dancing or restoring old rusted pieces of scrap metal to their former glory, you really have to find what works best for you.
Sometimes even the simple cure of sunlight on the back of the eyes or the skin, especially the chest and back can be very beneficial, so if you're lucky enough to see plenty of sunshine, get outside or even to a window, and soak up some rays. My dad gets seasonal affective disorder sometimes, and so do I, so as soon as the sun emerges from the depths of winter, I'm out there getting some sunlight on the eyes and skin. Don't stare directly into the sun though, you risk doing untold damage to your eyes! And don't spend too long outside, since too much sunlight can cause skin ailments and skin cancer.
Finally, I suggest that if you can, try and meet up with friends as much as possible. Research has shown that in the individualistic society we live in, unfortunately even in a big city one can be very lonely, and being isolated from other people can have a very negative effect on the mind.
In fact, new research has shown that loneliniess can have a worse effect on one's health than obesity (See 8).
A lot of this advice you might've already heard before, but ultimately it makes a difference to your mental health and well being. Give it a go for a period of time and you'll more than likely see the difference.
All in all, look after yourself. You've only got one body, and one mind, it's yours to take care of!
Sincerely
The Invisible Man
SOURCES:
1: https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/suicidesintheunitedkingdom/2016registration
2: Dube, S.R., Anda, R.F., Whitfield, C.L., et al. (2005). Long-term consequences of childhood sexual abuse by gender of victim. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 28, 430-438
3: https://www.safeline.org.uk/mens-mental-health-a-silent-crisis/
Survivors of abuse are often riddled with mental health issues. I'm not saying that every single abuse survivor suffers this way, but it's unfortunately all too common, and male survivors are no exception.
From what we know, male survivors often suffer from issues such as:
1: 76% of suicides in England and Wales in 2016 were committed by men according to ONS
2: Survivor males are much more likely to suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression.
3: Only 36% of referrals to psychological therapy are made for male patients.
4. Male survivors are more likely to participate in alcohol and drug abuse than non-survivor males.
5. Male survivors are more likely to suffer relationship problems (something I've struggled with).
6. Male survivors also suffer more problems in school with underachievement as a result of their abuse.
I'm going to make it clear, I'm not in any way, a mental health expert. However, I have had experience of depression, social anxiety, mental issues. I'm going to cover these as best I can with the knowledge and experience I have. If you're a male survivor reading this, then I suggest that you take a look at the advice I have, since I've learned this from personal experience. Feel free to discard anything that doesn't work for you.
Sometimes you might find something that sets you off or builds a great deal of fear. Sometimes it's a noise, a smell, a sound, something that someone says. I've been there myself, and sometimes it's taken hours, or even days to subside.
If you're having a panic attack related to your abuse, breathe slowly. Get yourself somewhere comfortable and try to stay calm. It will ride itself out, and after a short space of time you'll be back to normal again. If this is a persistent problem I suggest consulting your doctor.
Depression is a very serious problem. In the past it was derided as only suffered by people who were rich and pampered, while busy working people don't have time for it. This is rubbish. The truth is, depression is a mental health issue. I once woke up in university suffering from depression, and I had a practical exam that day. I succeeded it, but I felt like garbage afterwards, and really thought that I'd failed badly. It was a horrible feeling and it was with me from the moment I woke up.
For male survivors I have a few suggestions to use to help keep up a decent level of mental health, and though these will probably sound obvious and you may have heard them before, I suggest that you pay attention to them because the ways we nurture our physical health also make a difference to our mental health.
Exercise is very important to our physical health in staving off obesity, heart disease and cancer, but also our mental well-being. Sometimes I've found that being depressed, or even if you're stressed, or just bored or frustrated, can be remedied by going for an hour exercise. This could involve going to the gym if you join one, going for a run or a power walk, or using a treadmill or exercise machine in your house.
Do it every day for an hour if possible, and while obviously it'll improve your looks and physical health, more importantly it'll also make a difference to your mental well being. Once you finish or get home, have a shower as soon as possible, it'll make you feel great. Don't strain yourself though, and try and avoid it if you're suffering from a cold or a cough or something debilitating that could get yourself hurt (or even spread germs to others, say, in the gym).
Healthy eating also makes a huge difference to your life. Try and avoid large quantities of trans fats and sugars. A little bit of sugar, fat and salt is good for you, as long as you don't overdo it, and oily fish such as salmon or mackerel are excellent for omega 3. Fresh vegetables and fruits are essential, but don't overdo it on carbs such as potatoes and pasta, and drink plenty of water. Personally, being British (or just English) I prefer a nice soothing cup of tea most of the time, but don't overdo it on coffee if that's what you prefer, it can make you hyper anxious and nervous.
During down time, try and avoid looking at glowing screens such as TV screens, laptops, phones and so on for extended periods of time. Spend some time reading and listening to music, because research has proven on numerous occasions that reading stimulates the brain. (See 7) Also, make sure that you get plenty of sleep, and avoid late night sessions of work or activity as much as possible.
As men, we often thrive on busying ourselves to something useful. I've done white collar jobs in comfortable offices in which I've been utterly miserable. On the other hand I've done shifts in workshops for 12 hours at a time and I've barely been happier. Give me a rusty piece of metal, an angle grinder and a cushion to kneel on, and I'm happy for the afternoon. If you find the same amount of joy in these activities, then I suggest find somewhere you can join in on these activities. Finding a hobby can be a very enjoyable, but often you need to keep it up, and whether it's dancing or restoring old rusted pieces of scrap metal to their former glory, you really have to find what works best for you.
Sometimes even the simple cure of sunlight on the back of the eyes or the skin, especially the chest and back can be very beneficial, so if you're lucky enough to see plenty of sunshine, get outside or even to a window, and soak up some rays. My dad gets seasonal affective disorder sometimes, and so do I, so as soon as the sun emerges from the depths of winter, I'm out there getting some sunlight on the eyes and skin. Don't stare directly into the sun though, you risk doing untold damage to your eyes! And don't spend too long outside, since too much sunlight can cause skin ailments and skin cancer.
Finally, I suggest that if you can, try and meet up with friends as much as possible. Research has shown that in the individualistic society we live in, unfortunately even in a big city one can be very lonely, and being isolated from other people can have a very negative effect on the mind.
In fact, new research has shown that loneliniess can have a worse effect on one's health than obesity (See 8).
A lot of this advice you might've already heard before, but ultimately it makes a difference to your mental health and well being. Give it a go for a period of time and you'll more than likely see the difference.
All in all, look after yourself. You've only got one body, and one mind, it's yours to take care of!
Sincerely
The Invisible Man
SOURCES:
1: https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/suicidesintheunitedkingdom/2016registration
2: Dube, S.R., Anda, R.F., Whitfield, C.L., et al. (2005). Long-term consequences of childhood sexual abuse by gender of victim. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 28, 430-438
3: https://www.safeline.org.uk/mens-mental-health-a-silent-crisis/
4: Felitti, V.J., Anda, R.F., Nordenberg, D., Williamso, D.F., Spitz, A.M., et al. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14, 245-258.
5 & 6. Lisak, D. & Luster, L. (1994). Educational, occupational and relationship histories of men who were sexually and/or physically abused as children. Journal of Traumatic Stress. 7, 507-523.
7: https://www.care2.com/greenliving/4-cognitive-and-mental-health-benefits-of-reading.html
8: (Holt-Lunstad, 2010)
RESOURCES FOR MALE SURVIVORS
MEN RECOVERING FROM MILITARY SEXUAL TRAUMA: http://www.mrmst.org/
MALE SURVIVOR: http://www.malesurvivor.org/
1IN6: https://1in6.org/
SURVIVORS MANCHESTER: http://www.survivorsmanchester.org.uk/
MANKIND INITIATIVE: http://www.mankind.org.uk/
MANKINDUK: https://www.mkcharity.org/
MATRIXMEN: https://matrixmensa.blogspot.com/
SAMOSA (SOUTH AFRICA): http://www.samsosa.org/wp/
AFTER SILENCE: http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php
PANDORA'S AQUARIUM: https://pandys.org/forums/index.php?
RAINN: https://rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys
7: https://www.care2.com/greenliving/4-cognitive-and-mental-health-benefits-of-reading.html
8: (Holt-Lunstad, 2010)
RESOURCES FOR MALE SURVIVORS
MEN RECOVERING FROM MILITARY SEXUAL TRAUMA: http://www.mrmst.org/
MALE SURVIVOR: http://www.malesurvivor.org/
1IN6: https://1in6.org/
SURVIVORS MANCHESTER: http://www.survivorsmanchester.org.uk/
MANKIND INITIATIVE: http://www.mankind.org.uk/
MANKINDUK: https://www.mkcharity.org/
MATRIXMEN: https://matrixmensa.blogspot.com/
SAMOSA (SOUTH AFRICA): http://www.samsosa.org/wp/
AFTER SILENCE: http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php
PANDORA'S AQUARIUM: https://pandys.org/forums/index.php?
RAINN: https://rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys
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